Lavender

My head is pounding and the world has taken on a different sort of tincture.

Everything seems to be shaded in lavender tones- but not that pretty sort of lavender- the kind that goes along with summer dresses, and cotton pillowcases and mom hugs.

Instead it's the lavender that goes along with Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.

The lavender that makes you want to sleep for the duration of 1000 sunsets, and 1000 moon falls.

The lavender that makes you feel everything and nothing all at once- and you feel like you've got those Breakfast at Tiffany's mean reds.

You're frightened and you don't know what you're frightened of- except in this case, you do. That's why it's lavender instead of red.

And what you're frightened of is beautiful, even in the wake of its unfamiliar terror. And even though you're frightened- you cannot look away.

That old devil feeling of forthcoming change is the only monkey on your back tonight.

Transitions are far more emotional than physical- change isn't half as upsetting as it's temporal lobe associations are.

It all kind of just hurts right now. Everything and nothing are welling up into an overwhelming tidal wave of what's to come.

And it's all lavender.

The knots in my stomach and the pounding in my head and the memories and the possibilities the exchanges and the unspoken promises and the music.

It's all a whirling spectacle of lavender lights and lavender smells and lavender memories.

"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand.

When everything feels like it's broken, I just want you to know who I am."

Bells Will Be Ringing....

Lovers,

As I write this I'm still in my pajamas, with my hair tangled in extremely messy blonde knots (Yes.  I did.), sipping on a strong cup of Christmas Espresso roast, in my favorite Christmas mug, which is big and comfy and red and has a painting of Ebenezer Scrooge on it, his arms full of Christmas cheer and a stuffed goose,  with a banner overhead proclaiming "God Bless Us Every One."

Because, you know, every family should have themed A Christmas Carol mugs for the holiday season.

I don't even read Charles Dickens.  Except for A Christmas Carol.  That's the only one I could ever actually get through.

I digress.

So it's December 4th, which means there are 21 days left until Christmas- and the world is slowly turning into a flurrying spectacle of silver bells, fake snowflakes, Nativity scenes and overwhelming emotional nostalgia and regret and happiness mixed in with burdens and burdens of ancient traditions being jam-packed into a wild, crazy 3 week rush at the end of which I will probably have gained at least 5 pounds and will be extremely blessed and fatter and happier than normal.

Or so I dearly hope.

It's been an insane past month, my loves. I've been working like a dog and overdosing on sweet nephew and niece cuddles and missing everyone who is far away a lot more than normal.

I guess that's what happens during the Christmas season but it still seems difficult.

Starbucks has been such an amazing transition and such a welcoming place to end up in- but the work is long and exhausting sometimes and I seem to find myself falling asleep all over the place these days because my busy life has turned me into a hopeless old woman.

But that's not so bad, either. Catnaps are great, too.

Today is the last in a series of 3 consecutive days off and so far it has been the most relaxing.

The kiddos and company are off visiting some of their relatives today and so it's just me and mom at the house, putting around, watching Footloose and playing on our new iPhones.

Which, by the way, are phenomenal.

I discovered this new app last night that essentially lets me take university courses on my phone for free.

No required homework, no stress.

Just loads of lectures and videos and information to be had from Oxford and Yale and UC Berkeley. Which is right up my alley of nerddom.

Also WordsWithFriends.

That is sublime.

Mostly today I'm thinking of my sisters and their wee kidlets.

I love those children so much- sometimes I think that I cannot wait to fill my own house up to the brim with little ones... They bring so much joy and so much fruitfulness and meaning to your life.

Sometimes I realize I'm much closer to being ready for that than I think I am, and that scares me, because there is still a part of me who is seven years old and screaming: "travel the world and learn 7 languages and never get married!!!!"

But that seven year old is overpowered, thankfully, by the calm voice of reason that speaks: "but you were born for this."

And so even though it's unnerving, it's happy, too. And still a long way off, for those of you who are going to read this and then freak out. ;)

Which is what days like today are for: quiet bliss and contentment in the fact that someday I will have many littles of my own, but today I am still young enough and carefree enough to just be the auntie- so I can still go out at the end of the day and live my own life.

Family.

Having them around you always makes you realize stuff that you didn't foresee happening.

Blessing or curse?

Ask me again tomorrow, but today- today I feel it is a blessing through and through.

Love you, lovers.

Xx.
Hannah