"The Best Part of Believe is the 'Lie'....."

A friend asked me this past week, "Do you believe in love?"

I sat for a moment staring down at the words on the notebook paper we had set inbetween us, allthewhile ignoring the film playing at the front of our history class, and for a good long minute I couldn't think of what to say.

I wanted to say yes, and I did say yes, but my first instinct (an instinct that was very hard to ignore) was to say no.

I'm not sure why I wanted to say no.

I do believe in love... I've seen it.
I've seen it in friends, in family, in my parents.
I'm not one of those kids who doesn't believe in love because they've never seen a relationship work out in their life, and who's biggest nightmare is to become just like their parents. This isn't The Breakfast Club, here.
I'm not an extremely fake glam girl like Molly Ringwald and I'm not a compulsive lying basketcase like Ally Sheedy.
(for the record, I'm also not a stereoid-popping airhead like Emilio Estevez... Or a flunking anarchist wannabe like Judd Nelson, or a member of the chess club, physics club OR the latin club like Anthony Michael Hall. But... we won't go into that).

The point is: I have seen love all around me, and I'm not a skeptic of it. But I still can't get the reason why I wanted to say no out of my head.

Maybe my first instinct to say no stems from some sort of deep-seated psychological fear of commitment, or my inability to trust easily. Maybe I don't believe in love for myself.
Let's be honest: I don't like new people. I don't trust anyone. I get bored with people. I do have small inhibitions on commitment and I've often envisioned myself living the rest of my life completely alone, and I've been far too content with that.... who would want to be with someone that completely irrational?

I see my friends falling in love and its beautiful, and sometimes I think how nice it would be to be like them, and in moments of weak girlishness, "I WANT A BOYFRIEEEEND!" comes wailing out in self-sympathizing agony. But then I stop. I rethink what I just said. And then I take it all back.

Love, to me, doesn't mean being with someone, necessarily. Love is something much more..... tangeable. I feel extreme love when baking bread. I feel loved when I cuddle with a friend's dog. I feel love, and oddly enough loved, when I watch Audrey Hepburn movies.... When I go for walks. When I'm in the city at night, and there are lights in the trees... When I listen to Celine Dion cds.
When I play my guitar, I feel like no man could ever love me more than Kensington. (Yes, I have named him). When I'm reading, when I'm writing, cooking, talking.... when I listen to music.
I feel loved when I'm with my families, and my friends.
And its enough for me... I think it could always be enough for me.

I don't know if I could be locked with one person for the rest of my life. I don't know if I could LIVE with someone for the rest of my life. I get bored so easily. People that I love begin to annoy me. I'm irrational and most of the time I like to be alone.
Maybe that will change. Maybe it won't.

The one thing that really does make me sad about living alone for the rest of my life is that I would really like to be a mom someday.... but I could always adopt. God knows there's thousands of children out there who need homes. It would just be sad that they wouldn't have a dominant male figure in their life.....but then, that's what my dearest guy friends are for. And the men in my family.
So I guess... there's really no huge downside to being single forever.
Except I've always wanted a wedding.
.... I could just throw a really big party sometime... and people could just send me gifts because they love me. :D


If I ever do find someone, they'll have to be just as independant as I am...
otherwise they might starve to death because I could, potentially, forget to feed them.
(I might have to make them sign something that basically sums up me saying, "no promises...keep your fingers crossed!")

Maybe I'm just a little bit afraid of love.
A little bit afraid of telling one person absolutely everything- and never keeping secrets from them.
A little bit afraid of always being accountable to someone.
A little bit afraid of knowing I hold the power to hurt someone so deeply if I say the wrong thing.
A little bit afraid of never. going. back.
A little bit afraid of knowing that somebody else owns my heart, and a little bit afraid of trusting them not to break it.

Not to mention a little bit afraid of growing old with someone, and then suddenly, they die.... and you don't know how to live without them anymore.
That....terrifies me.


Okay then. I have a slightly irrational fear of commitment and love. That is why I wanted to say no.
.......................You know, it was just decided that if I were a Spice Girl, I'd be Geri Halliwell, I.e. Ginger Spice...... Maybe that explains why I am the way I am better than anything I've tried.


..Not to mention my sanity could seriously be questioned by the fact that I am watching R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet. (which would explain the possible deep-seated psychological issues).

More than anything, I think I just really need to go to bed.

More thoughts on this later.

Ice Cream

Hello, its been a while.


I'm sitting here indulging myself with a delicious bowl of Oreo-flavored ice cream.

Ice cream is inexplicably wonderful. Its one of the most lovable occurances within the entire human race... reliable, understanding, sympathetic, and just so familiar.
I'm thinking of that Sarah McLachlan song, you know the one, off the Fumbling Towards Ecstasy album.
"your love is better than ice cream, better than anything else that I've tried..."
That's a pretty amazing love, isn't it?
I wonder what about that love could be more amazing than ice cream.
Obviously (lets hope), the love would last longer than a bowl of ice cream. As wonderful as it is, a dish of ice cream can disappear rather quickly. I like to think she means that being loved by him is more familiar than a dish of ice cream.
You can't go wrong with ice cream, can you? You always know what you're going to get.
If you order a cone with a scoop of bubblegum flavored ice cream, you can count on the fact that that ice cream will taste like bubblegum.
The same with coffee, rocky road, chocolate, etc.
That's what is so beautiful about ice cream. Its familiar. Its something tried and true that you know you can depend on.... and its that kind of love that is the most powerful, I think.
Coupled with the fact that ice cream just makes you feel plain good, I'm guessing that a love better than, but similar to, ice cream would be pretty awesome.
But then again, what would I know about the subject? :-)





Amongst other things-
I've finished a few more books since my last post:
*The Bell Jar- Sylvia Plath
-I loved this book, its one of my new favorites. Talk about a brilliantly written piece of literature! The author has an incredible ability not only to describe what the character is feeling, but to make the reader feel it as well. I found my chest actually growing heavy with emotion the farther I delved into its pages.

*Passion and Purity- Elisabeth Elliot
-I underlined so many lines in this book. I fell completely in love with Elisabeth's determination and strength. She's my new hero. :)

*Julie and Julia- Julie Powell
- I did not enjoy this book as much as I hoped I would. The movie was better, for once. Still, there was something about it that made the book rather hard to put down. I read it in one week, flat. I really liked Julie's style of writing, but I couldn't stand her as the author. It was her story, and she was writing it, and I liked the way it was written, but she herself was incredibly annoying to me. Odd combination. Still, I don't think I'll ever read it again.

*Macbeth- William Shakespeare *not that this is a book, I know very well its a play, but my Folger edition is big enough to be a book and I finished reading it...therefore it counts.*
-It's Macbeth. Its brilliant. I've read it before and I will continue to reread it for the rest of my life. The poetry is beautiful in that play.

and I've added a few more to my stack:
The Wedding- Nicholas Sparks
St. Augustine's Confessions- St. Augustine... the Oxford edition. ;)

and I've placed The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger on hold at the library. I'm hoping it'll come in soon!


My cousins were in town this past week, for Easter. I'm sad they're gone, nothing ever feels quite the same the day they leave. One of my cousins made a very short playlist on my ipod while she was here so she could listen to her new favorite songs whenever she was in the shower, without having to take the time to search for them.
I found it today, and was inspired by three of the four songs to create a new playlist from those three songs.
As a result, I've made this new playlist, and titled it "KK", which was my cousin's nickname when she was much, much younger. I'm not sure if its finished yet, but here's what I have so far.

Hey, Soul Sister- Train
I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie
Who Says?- John Mayer
Right as Rain-Adele
Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)- Vertical Horizon
Our Song- Taylor Swift
Don't Dream Its Over- Sixpence None the Richer
Day Too Soon- Sia
The First Cut is the Deepest- Sheryl Crow
You Mean Everything to Me- Shawn Mullins
She Spreads Her Wings- Semisonic
Ice Cream- Sarah McLachlan
Across the Universe- Rufus Wainwright *from the I Am Sam soundtrack*
Without You- Rosario Dawson and Adam Pascal *from the RENT motion picture soundtrack*
All The King's Horses- Robert Plant and the Strange Sensation
Never Think- Rob Pattinson *From the Twilight soundtrack*
Back on the Chain Gang- The Pretenders
I Have Seen the Rain- Pink feat.James T. Moore
When All is Said and Done- Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep *from the Mamma Mia! motion picture soundtrack*
Clean- Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson
Under Control- Parachute
These Streets- Paolo Nutini


the songs blend really nicely together.
I love making playlists.
Someday, I'm going to put every playlist I've made onto discs, and put them all in my car.
And as long as I'm driving, I won't ever need to use my iPod.
There's something so beautiful and simple about a mixed cd. It's a little bit of magic. :)