"The Best Part of Believe is the 'Lie'....."

A friend asked me this past week, "Do you believe in love?"

I sat for a moment staring down at the words on the notebook paper we had set inbetween us, allthewhile ignoring the film playing at the front of our history class, and for a good long minute I couldn't think of what to say.

I wanted to say yes, and I did say yes, but my first instinct (an instinct that was very hard to ignore) was to say no.

I'm not sure why I wanted to say no.

I do believe in love... I've seen it.
I've seen it in friends, in family, in my parents.
I'm not one of those kids who doesn't believe in love because they've never seen a relationship work out in their life, and who's biggest nightmare is to become just like their parents. This isn't The Breakfast Club, here.
I'm not an extremely fake glam girl like Molly Ringwald and I'm not a compulsive lying basketcase like Ally Sheedy.
(for the record, I'm also not a stereoid-popping airhead like Emilio Estevez... Or a flunking anarchist wannabe like Judd Nelson, or a member of the chess club, physics club OR the latin club like Anthony Michael Hall. But... we won't go into that).

The point is: I have seen love all around me, and I'm not a skeptic of it. But I still can't get the reason why I wanted to say no out of my head.

Maybe my first instinct to say no stems from some sort of deep-seated psychological fear of commitment, or my inability to trust easily. Maybe I don't believe in love for myself.
Let's be honest: I don't like new people. I don't trust anyone. I get bored with people. I do have small inhibitions on commitment and I've often envisioned myself living the rest of my life completely alone, and I've been far too content with that.... who would want to be with someone that completely irrational?

I see my friends falling in love and its beautiful, and sometimes I think how nice it would be to be like them, and in moments of weak girlishness, "I WANT A BOYFRIEEEEND!" comes wailing out in self-sympathizing agony. But then I stop. I rethink what I just said. And then I take it all back.

Love, to me, doesn't mean being with someone, necessarily. Love is something much more..... tangeable. I feel extreme love when baking bread. I feel loved when I cuddle with a friend's dog. I feel love, and oddly enough loved, when I watch Audrey Hepburn movies.... When I go for walks. When I'm in the city at night, and there are lights in the trees... When I listen to Celine Dion cds.
When I play my guitar, I feel like no man could ever love me more than Kensington. (Yes, I have named him). When I'm reading, when I'm writing, cooking, talking.... when I listen to music.
I feel loved when I'm with my families, and my friends.
And its enough for me... I think it could always be enough for me.

I don't know if I could be locked with one person for the rest of my life. I don't know if I could LIVE with someone for the rest of my life. I get bored so easily. People that I love begin to annoy me. I'm irrational and most of the time I like to be alone.
Maybe that will change. Maybe it won't.

The one thing that really does make me sad about living alone for the rest of my life is that I would really like to be a mom someday.... but I could always adopt. God knows there's thousands of children out there who need homes. It would just be sad that they wouldn't have a dominant male figure in their life.....but then, that's what my dearest guy friends are for. And the men in my family.
So I guess... there's really no huge downside to being single forever.
Except I've always wanted a wedding.
.... I could just throw a really big party sometime... and people could just send me gifts because they love me. :D


If I ever do find someone, they'll have to be just as independant as I am...
otherwise they might starve to death because I could, potentially, forget to feed them.
(I might have to make them sign something that basically sums up me saying, "no promises...keep your fingers crossed!")

Maybe I'm just a little bit afraid of love.
A little bit afraid of telling one person absolutely everything- and never keeping secrets from them.
A little bit afraid of always being accountable to someone.
A little bit afraid of knowing I hold the power to hurt someone so deeply if I say the wrong thing.
A little bit afraid of never. going. back.
A little bit afraid of knowing that somebody else owns my heart, and a little bit afraid of trusting them not to break it.

Not to mention a little bit afraid of growing old with someone, and then suddenly, they die.... and you don't know how to live without them anymore.
That....terrifies me.


Okay then. I have a slightly irrational fear of commitment and love. That is why I wanted to say no.
.......................You know, it was just decided that if I were a Spice Girl, I'd be Geri Halliwell, I.e. Ginger Spice...... Maybe that explains why I am the way I am better than anything I've tried.


..Not to mention my sanity could seriously be questioned by the fact that I am watching R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet. (which would explain the possible deep-seated psychological issues).

More than anything, I think I just really need to go to bed.

More thoughts on this later.