I tend to be most impacted by music and people. Whenever I meet especially life-altering people, I have a tendency to immortalize them forever in my conscious and in my heart by creating mixed tapes or playlists that breathe their lives into music form.
I have a ridiculous history of doing this with past loves.
It's a very intimate experience, I think, creating a mix for someone who means a lot to you. The intimacy which goes into hand-picking a selection of songs tied to memories with this person, or tied inexplicably to this person's character, is very powerful. I feel that it creates a lot of vulnerability.
Somehow, with all of these mixes that I've made over the years for a myriad of different reasons, I found that I've been able to capture the essence of these humans strikingly well, in my opinion.
It's similar to treating people like movies. If this person was a movie, what would the soundtrack to their life be, if I was the one directing their movie?
Even though the circumstances surrounding your relationship with and to each other may change dramatically, and even though the pedestals you placed them ever-so-carefully upon may crumble for whatever reason, these people are still alive to you exactly as they were in the moment you made that playlist, every single time you listen.
That is magical.
That is powerful.
Sometimes, that can be dangerous as well as painful.
I experienced some of that spark and burn this morning on my way to work. Sometimes when this happens, you just have to write a letter. Sometimes that letter can feel like closure- and at other times, that letter can just simply say "I'm sorry."
This is my letter today. no background on the where or the why- I'm choosing to share this personal letter publicly, and therefore I don't feel the need to explain myself.
Your understanding is deeply appreciated.
I still run to you in my dreams.
I still run to you even when I'm not dreaming.
Despite the large amount of days that have passed since those moments we shared, I still remember how everything felt like magic with you.
With the numerous days, a tidal wave of change has brought closure to what happened, and new feelings for something and someone else, along with a newfound respect and appreciation for what took place between us, and the way it's been finished, completed- neatly folded into a box and delicately placed somewhere in the attic of our souls. It's over. No hard feelings. No more push and pull.
Even still, sometimes.... Sometimes, I escape to the quiet solitude of my car, and I hit the "play" button on a playlist of songs that represent so many experiences you and I shared. I sink below the surface, lost in the ocean of my memories with you, and I find myself wishing somehow that you and I... Whatever we were, whatever we had.... I wish it still had a pulse.
But that's wrong. And I know it's wrong. And I'm sorry.
I've been a little fragile lately- if I may take the time to explain myself.
Full of emotion at the revelation of deep, unforeseen feeling towards something else, something beautiful and good.... Something much, much better than you and I.
And also, I am full of shame.
Because you are a human being. I am a human being. And I cannot keep trying to control the way I feel toward you. I definitely cannot keep trying to control the way you feel toward me. I'm sorry that I ever thought I could try.
Not to mention I know full well that it is certainly and finally over. Which, if I can be totally honest, is a good thing. It wasn't healthy. It may have been organic, but it wasn't actually healthy. We learned. We grew. God knows we shouted- I shouted.
And then we tore. We ripped. It came down in glittering shambles around us- and that was it.
But the vulnerability was real, and it was raw, and I cannot thank you enough for that.
You have no earthly idea what that meant to me- how it changed me.
How I'm still recovering and adapting.
How this heart has been disfiguring and untangling itself from you, and how even though sometimes the reality of you and I never moving forward still makes me catch my breath and falter ever-so-slightly, I wake up each day thankful for the fact that we never will move forward.
I wake up thankful for the whole experience.
Thankful for your respect, though I'm not sure I deserve it.
Thankful for the faith you've always had in me.
Thankful for the openness of mind and heart you've always gifted to me.
Thankful for your sympathy, your sliding, your hugs, your hand and how it rested on my knee in a quiet moment of encouragement, your godforsaken pride and your damnable, unforgettable confidence.
Also, the walls you let down around me. I feel so honored by that.
Above all, I'm thankful for your silence, because that was the most gentle method for leading me into the truth that you could have ever used- even though I hated it at the time.
So maybe I'll start returning the respect and the faith.
Maybe I'll stop listening to those songs for awhile.
I used to think, many months ago, that you and I would always be unfinished business.
That's not true. The books have been settled, the transactions complete- the business is finished.
Thank God for that, right?
If I could leave a few words to you to guide you forward as lights along the way, I would leave these words, because they represent exactly what it is you taught to me- and I'd like to think I did somewhat of the same for you.
I'm not saying that we were soul mates- mostly because I can't honestly say that without bursting out into a loud, clap of laughter. Let's get real, here. But these words about soul mates smack me in the face everytime I read them, because I just picture your face... And I'm thankful for that, too.
"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a true soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in... and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life."
-Elizabeth Gilbert
Thanks for filling that role for awhile, whatever the title is.
See you around sometime, maybe.
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