Sold, Bought or Processed.

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything or process anything as a career. I don't wanna sell anything bought or processed, buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought or processed- or repair anything sold, bought or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that."

These lines from the 1989 cult classic, "Say Anything" are a few of my favorite movie lines ever. I finally realized why tonight: I feel the exact same way about my life and my future, and frankly, that scares the livin' bajeezus out of me.


Life is abysmally confusing. And expensive.
So is college.

The more and more I think and research my choices for further education, the more I'm convinced college is a complete egoist scam that serves no other purpose than for graduates to flounce around after course completion singing, "I've got a bigger degree than you, na-nana-nana-naaaaah!"

I mean, really. To what end? You get a degree so you can get a job, right? Oh, wait. You don't meet the required standard. You have to go back to school to get more schooling, only to find out there's no available positions at this time for your career of choice. Or, we're sorry, but you're just too overqualified for this job. We need someone less knowledgeable on the subject. Say what? I spent thousands and thousands of dollars on this degree so I could work at this company, only to find out that I know too much?
Ooh, how about this one: I graduated from Harvard! Whoo!.... 5 years later: I hate being a lawyer. This sucks.
Or this one: Sorry. You've done the work and have the degree, but it just comes down to the fact that you're not innovative enough for this line of work. What can you offer to this field that nobody else can? You have the grades. Your creativity and ingenuity is lacking. No positions currently available for you.
Or my personal favorite: Uhhhh, my four years are up. I still don't know what I want to do with my life.

See what I mean?
Of course, I have to constantly remind myself that this isn't true. I know lots of people, close friends and loved ones, who are going to college and who have gone to college, and it's done them a great service, and they're not all a bunch of egotistical, sufficiently unhappy maniacs.

But what about me?

Now, I've known for the past ten years that college is not an optional decision. Not because of overly strict parental authority, (remember: This is not The Breakfast Club, here) but because I grew up in a very man-centered society, and because women were not expected or encouraged to go to college. This blew my passionate, stubborn seven year old mind to volcanic proportions. And I decided I was going to grow up to be a feminist who went to college and got the biggest degree that I could just so I could prove to everyone that women really are smarter than men, because God says so. Because God gave me this flashy degree and this flashy career, and He still loves me. So there. Pppbbbbbth. (I was a very independently minded seven year old, I tell you.)

This incredible enthusiasm and passion to preserve and protect the sacred sanctity of the female sex drove me all the way through high school, where I even pushed hard to graduate two years early.

Now, a few years later, I still firmly believe in the education of all young people, male or female, if it's what they really desire, but I'm not as overbearing as I once was, and I'm far less judgemental on the subject. I also regret that my adamantly formed opinions caused me to have a rather bitter taste in my mouth regarding that society I grew up in.

I am, regardless, still a feminist at heart. Perhaps only a closet-case one now, though. You can take the woman away from power, but you can't take power away from the woman, you know what I mean?

Anyways, all this to say: I've never thought about not going to college. Up until about two years ago, when I started to realize my interests were leading me away from the CEO parking space, successful mother and businesswoman, part-time professional chef and astronaut, Forbes' Woman of the Year fantasy my seven year old self lived for, and towards something a little less impressive. And a lot less stable.
You learn something new everyday.
You also learn something new about yourself every hour of your life. Trust me. I am the epitome of this philosophy.
Tonight, after a stressed-to-the-point-of-collapse episode full of tears and incoherent blubbering, I learned that long-term college may not be in my future. In fact, a BA altogether is probably completely out of the picture for my life.
This was a strangely liberating experience, after 10 years of "I'M GOING TO RULE THE WOOORLD!"

At this point, my associate's degree is up in the air, too. College is severely over-rated for somebody like me. Now, I don't want to sound like a self-absorbed, delusional freak of nature here. I'm not saying that college is over-rated for everyone, because so many people can and should go to college and universities and get their BAs and their MAs and their PhDs because that is the best thing for them to do. That all makes total sense to me. I have a close, close friend who is bound and determined to get her PhD in Psychology, someday. My cousin has a chance to go to a $35,000 a year private college to get her nursing degree so she can save lives. My best friend is headed for years of hard work to get a degree in fashion so she can revolutionize the clothing world. These dreams and goals are all so integral and important for these individuals. I wouldn't want any less for them!
But as for me, I'm not really sure what all college has to offer me.

I have the chance to do something great with my life. Phenomenal, even. I know this. I know that God will open doors for me left and right, if I follow His little trail of breadcrumbs, starting with the most basic of breadcrumbs that He's already dropped into my life: writing.

Writing is who I am. It defines me. I bleed ink. I dream words.
Fine-tuning this skill is not a bad idea, and that is exactly why I probably will go ahead and get my AA, just so I can perfect my technique, and take some awesome electives about the history of folklore and mythology, and women's studies, so I can have more to write about in the future.
But what I really want to do with my life is work an average job, be it waitress, barista or bookstore clerk, and I want to write on the side. I want to travel, and the way that I scratch and pinch and save my money, I know I can afford to do that, and then write about those experiences as well.
Do you honestly think I need a bachelor's degree to work at Starbucks and enter my poetry into local magazines? I don't think so either.

I read more than almost anybody I know. To me, this is the greatest way to gain knowledge, and that's the single, solitary way I'll continue to learn for the rest of my life, through reading.
I believe strongly in reading, relationships, faith and culture. These are the professors I'm going to learn the most from. These classes test on strength of character, ability to transition, fear, tangeability, responsibility, head knowledge and heart knowledge. This is the college of life, and that is where I want to recieve my certificate of completion from.
The best thing about this college of life is there's no application process. We're all already automatically enrolled from the day we're brought, wailing and thrusting into this beautiful world.

In January, I'll be going to a Bible school for one year. I might take a few college classes online. And then after that, I'll probably crack down on getting my AA.
After that, who knows? There's a 12 week cooking college in Ireland that I'm interested in. Maybe I'll go to bartending school. Maybe I'll work at Disneyworld. Maybe I'll start traveling. Maybe God will open doors for me on another continent. Maybe I'll learn Italian and become a Yoga instructor in Rome. Maybe I'll end up in a third world country, teaching English to malnourished children, and sharing the gift of reading and writing with them, so that someday they can grow up and say "I want to be educated and help others, too." Maybe I'll get married. Maybe I'll be a young mother. Maybe I'll be single for the rest of my life.
Life is full of infinite possibilities, and for me, they all stem from organic causes that really have nothing to do with a high-brow education.

Besides. If I ever want to go back to school and get my BA, or even my MA so that someday I can bore countless youths with my university lectures about life and the lessons you learn from "Catcher in the Rye", then you can absolutely bet your bottom dollar that I will wholeheartedly commit to that goal.

As for now? I guess I'm just flying by the seat of my pants. And somewhere, deep down inside of me, that seven year old is actually enthusiastic for this lack of planning. I think she's gurgling excitedly, "Imagine if I do everything I ever wanted to do? How much more impressive would that be than a silly CEO parking space??!!"
I have to say, I agree with her.

So.
Here's to the future, and it's delicious ambiguity.
Here's to supportive parents who agree with your far-fetched idealism, and radical nuances.
More importantly, here's to the college of life, and all the millions of degrees it offers, favoring no particular race, gender or social standard. The only eligibility requirement is the oxygen flowing through your lungs, the realization that you are alive.



My loves,
My doves,
my eggs.