"It's not personal, Sonny, it's business."

"Forgive me lover
For I have sinned
For I have let you go

But this estranged organ in my chest
Still beats for you
It will not rest, so
Meet me in our secret place
When the time has come."


I have separation issues.

And I don't mean as in a separation of distance between myself and other people.

I mean as in a separation of necessary distance between aspects of my life.  Like reality, and fantasy.

Like letting go and bottling inside.

Like embitterment and acceptance.

Like letting go and saying goodbye.

Like learning how to say no after too many months of saying yes to something that does more harm than good.

Like learning how to leave the past in the past and letting the future stay unknown.

Like learning how to walk away from something you love because its the right thing to do.

I blur lines.  I distort boundaries. I mix and I muddle because inside I am a gluttonous child who thinks I can have a little bit of everything and eat the whole cake, too.

But this week I have learned my lesson.  And I've learned it hard.

Distinction is necessary.  Lines are drawn because they are meant to be drawn, and the separation of past, present and future is something that you cannot run away from. It's there for a good reason.

Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up and just move on, and it hurts.  It hurts like all hell.  But the past does hurt sometimes, that doesn't mean we shouldn't leave it behind us.

And the future is not for us to know.  It's untouchable because it's not meant to be touched.  It's unpredictable because it's not meant to be predicted.  And no matter how much I thought I could predict my future, I can't. No matter how much I want or will certain things in my life at a certain time, I can't make them happen.

I've never been able to separate letting go of something, and saying goodbye to it.  My best friend will tell you all about my fears and failures on the subject.

I don't know which is which.  For the first time, I can truly admit that.

Saying goodbye doesn't mean letting go.  But letting go doesn't mean saying goodbye either.

So what do they mean?

I still haven't the foggiest clue.

But I know that they're both necessary to moving on.  And moving on is necessary before you start something new in your life.  Things have been tumbling down, albeit slowly, around me for a month now, and I'm starting to realize it's because I'm moving on.  I have to before I move away to the beach.

God wants me to start with a clean slate.

You can't have baggage where I'm going.  Or, that's the opinion I'm starting to feel from The Man Upstairs.

So what have I realized today about blurring lines?

I've learned that what matters the most, is that I don't let them change me.  I can accept something, I can say goodbye, I can move on, and I can even let go, but I don't have to let it cut me down, nor do I have to cut it out forever.

It's not personal, Hannah, it's business.

It's the business of growing up, that's all.

So.

To all the things that I've let go this week, I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that I love you all deeply.  I will always love you deeply.  I will not cut out the beautiful memories I have with any of you.  I will not let this hurt you, or me, or anyone.
I wish you all the best of luck in life, and I want you to know that this goodbye is not forever.  I will always be here when you need me. I will always be here when you don't realize you need me.
And I am positive that we will meet again, someday.  Until then, know that I'm living my life the way it's supposed to be lived, finally.
I'm living right now, in the moment, in the present, and I'm letting the past stay behind me, and the future ahead of me.

Wishing you all the luck, love, and life in the world,

Hannah Xx