Stolen

S.

I want you to know that I will always love you.  In some way, with some strange magic and practical disaster,  you still own the place where my thoughts go to hide, to play in secret.  The place where my thoughts dapple in the world of What If and Where Are You Now.

I was a child and you were a child, although the moments were anything but childlike.  I remember them all, still, as vividly as if they had happened yesterday.  But that time was eons ago.

I've been thinking about you a lot lately, and that's not a good thing.  I thought I was at the place where I could look back on all the memories and regard them simply as memories and nothing more, but I can't.  You are a Pandora's Box of mistakes and all-too familiar feelings, and even though in every Pandora's Box there's a touch of hope mixed with all the hurt and sorrow, I can't hold on to that little whisper of hope at the bottom of the box anymore.

I have to let go.  I have to let you go.  Trust me,  I'm shocked to find out I haven't already yet, too.

I was unwise to think that I had let it all fall behind me.  Wishful thinking, I suppose.

I know this couldn't mean anything to you now, but I know that it would mean something to the 14 year old you.  You cared much more than you let on, and I saw through to that.  Tender soul.  I do miss you, still.

The time for missing is over, though.  I need to prepare for the changes ahead of me, changes that do not in any way involve you or the memories of you floating around in that corner of my mind labeled "Stolen."

A dear friend told me today that closure comes in many forms.  Sometimes the most from private reflection.  Closure is something people seek as a decoy; it's an excuse to keep winding their thoughts around and around whatever they're trying to close.  I've been lying to myself for awhile now, telling myself things would be better if I only had closure.  Closure of what?  Any closure I received would only open everything right back up again.  Any closure I received would act as a black hole.

And so this is a final goodbye, gentle heart.

This is the goodbye that needed to happen all along, but never did because I was holding so tightly onto that faded, weak glimmer of hope, that I was blind to the world of hope and possibilities outside of the box. Outside of you.

Promise me one thing, before this all settles into dust and infinity.  Promise me that you will never change who you are.  Promise me that you will never stop smiling, and absolutely, under-no-circumstances-ever, will you stop giving out those incredible, life-changing hugs.

Cheers to the moon and back, and always wishing you all the love and sugar-coated-cereal in the world,

Xx,
Hannah