T-minus one hour and 13 minutes until Thanksgiving 2013, lovers.
I've been busy today, as is the rest of America.
Unconventionally busy, though. This year is decidedly different from years before. My family, for instance, is spending the holiday at the beach, and going out to eat to a nice restaurant instead of doing the big schabang with all of our extended relatives.
To be honest, folks, my family tree has seen its fair share of storms over the last 5 or 6 years.
Holding absolutely zero feet to the fire, let me just quickly (and honestly) say time has increasingly dwindled our numbers, there are few left to gather together.
My parents are tired of 40 years of large scale Thanksgiving dinners. I can't say that I blame them. The four of us (Moseby has adjusted nicely and is now a fully indoctrinated addition to our family) are headed to the coast for the holiday weekend, and I couldn't be more excited.
There's been a lot to reflect over, the past few weeks.
Particularly in the past few days, I've been pondering the meaning of the word 'unity', and probably for a myriad of different reasons. The word strikes me as suddenly beautiful, as though I've never heard it before. It rolls off my tongue as I sound it out phonetically on my way to work in the mornings.
The past year, as was the forecast, was indeed a year of solitude. Conversely, I'm beginning to hope and pray that the theme for next year will instead be one of unity, as I feel for some strange reason that God is laying this word on my heart in a touching, impacting manner.
Perhaps that's why I'm so excited to celebrate Thanksgiving away from home this year. There is a lonely sort of solitude in sharing someone's memories, but there is a deep unity that accompanies sharing new experiences, and that is what I'm looking forward to over the next few days.
New experiences.
Today I came home from work and I cleaned out my car, bathed the pup, watched Love Actually, packed the pup, packed myself, ironed some clothes, and ignored the paper I have due on Sunday that I haven't really started on yet. Papers are important, yes, but tonight was made for something different. This is a special night, the night before Thanksgiving. This is easily one of my favorite nights of the year, although emotional in many ways.
While I was increasingly busy tonight, and getting lots of intermittent lovins' from my pup, I couldn't help but think about the few things that are always on my mind on nights like this. My grandmother, thoughts of her are always near during the holidays; I feel her moving through my family with warmth and love. I thought back to Thanksgivings past.
Last year, I spent it with a beautiful family of co-workers as we weathered the rush-time shift between the hours of 6pm Thanksgiving evening and 2pm Black Friday morning. That was one hell of a night to be a barista at the top-grossing Starbucks in the entire state, but it is one of my most favorite holiday memories to date.
Also last year, I spent the Friday after Thanksgiving, celebrating the large meal with my family, circled around the dinner table, holding my 1-month old sleeping niece in my arms and daydreaming about the boy I loved at the time. It's funny now, how much my niece has grown in one year, and how that love has disintegrated into nothing but happy, distant memories. It's funny how things change.
The year before that my parents and I went out to dinner and came home to decorate the house for Christmas, while watching a campy horror movie my funny, lovely aunt got my dad for his birthday. I believe it was called "Motel Hell." I was emotional at the thought that in a few short weeks, just after New Year's, I would be starting a new adventure and moving to the beach to attend Ecola. I had no idea what God had in store for me.
Two years before that, my entire family was together. There were so many bodies, we needed three tables. I remember smiling until my mouth hurt. I remember hugs, and laughter, and such deep, everlasting warmth. A sheltering, comforting unity.
A unity that has since been put aside.
A unity that only God in his miraculous grace can restore.
A unity which sometimes, in moments of nostalgic remembrance, I deeply ache for.
Sometimes things happen in life that are neither expected or well-received. They are not desired, not intended, not understood, not accepted.
And the shame, the guilt, the anger, the frustration, the trenches of hurt and miles of regret are impossible to navigate.
But tonight, I am reminded that while the past breeds disunity, the future demands unity, a perfect unity comprised in the ultimate reign of our God and King.
The future demands unity. Unity is what this world is predestined for. As long as we have Christ, we are steeped in unity, and while the past may be painful or impossible to forget, we must remember that there is hope shining at the end of the tunnel, like a bright beacon, guiding us into that perfect unity with Christ. Let us look to the future, and live in the momentous blessing which is every minute of our lives.
These are the special times, lovers. Right now. Right in the midst of pain, entrenched in the heart of suffering, battered by the blows of age and regret, we are united in Christ.
These are the special times.
Happy Thanksgiving, one and all.
Tell somebody that you love them, tomorrow. Tell somebody that they are special to you.
I love you, and you, and you.
Goodnight.
Xx
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Awake, O Sleeper
"Awake, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." -Ephesians 5:14
Well, lovers- I'm no longer dead.
I've alluded to an emotionally turbulent past few months in my recent posts, and I reaffirm that allusion here today.
I confess to you, lovers, that I have not been a shining example of that glorious, elusive Proverbs 31 woman as of late. I have not been clothed with "dignity, and righteousness," nor have I been "laughing without fear of my future."
I have lived the past few months trembling, in constant fear and distress, and wallowing in a sick ball of my own debilitating self-absorption. I have lost sleep and sanity over simple matters of the heart which I am not proud to say have unmasked the depth of my weaknesses. My heart found itself in a place it was not ready to be, and I have spent quite a few sleepless nights crying my hurt out to God.
But you see, I thought throughout all of my distress, that I was doing the right thing by leaning so heavily in the comforting arms of my Savior. I thought that constantly complaining to God during my morning and evening commutes, throughout lulls in my work day, and every night before bed was healthy. I thought that masking my discontent through prayers meant I was trusting in God to deliver me from my heartache.
Lovers, I was wrong.
Please don't misunderstand me. When we go through trials, and suffer losses or unexpected hurts, we are to lean solely on Jesus Christ as our one, everlasting comforter. This is an absolute truth. I cannot, and will not deny this.
However, there's a fine line between grieving and wallowing. My vulnerability in the eyes of my Lord gave way to crumbling selfishness and self-obsession, and I completely lost sight of my life, my purpose.
I forgot to focus on what brings joy in life. I forgot to focus on the care of and attention to others. I forgot to busy my mind with other things, good things- I forgot to strive to be a blessing to others and to be thankful for my current heart condition.
I forgot how to laugh. I forgot to "count it all joy."
The worst part of this, is the fact that I only just realized my predicament last night.
It might seem stupid to say, but I realized it while I was sitting in my local theater by myself, watching an early evening showing of Thor 2: The Dark World.
A simple line delivered from the ridiculously attractive (Seriously, it's not fair) Tom Hiddleston (cloaked as Loki in green with disgustingly suave greased hair... Yeah, okay, I'm not really sure I get my attraction to this character either... You learn something new about yourself everyday. I digress.)
anyway, this line was delivered during a heated argument with his brother, Thor, and it figuratively brought me before my knees as it drifted through my ears.
"Satisfaction is not in my nature."
Lovers, do you know what hasn't been in my nature over the past few months?
Satisfaction.
I have not been satisfied with the current situation in life that God has set before me.
I have been acting like a spoiled child, rolling around in their own ungrateful filth, upset that their desires have been refused, or postponed.
God, forgive my dissatisfaction. Forgive my selfishness. You are enough. You are enough.
The truth is, lovers, I have struggled with depressive anxiety for most of my post-adolescent life.
I go through good spells, and I go through bad spells.
Each bad spell gets progressively easier to go through, and my hope and prayer is that someday, I will no longer experience tailspins when things go awry as they tend to do every-so-often. It's a work in progress, and it's a process that humbles me before Christ in more ways than I can count, so perhaps my anxiety is actually one of my greatest blessings. Not sure I can let myself see it that way, yet, but who knows what the future will bring?
What I almost never seem to remember, however, through these bad spells, is that constant introspection is extremely unhealthy.
What I mean by that, is things are always at their absolute worst, when I spend most of my waking hours thinking about whatever it is I'm going through. Financial stress, emotional stress, relational stress. I tend to live my life constantly worrying about each of these areas, even when I am laughing, or seem happy.
I mask my stress extremely well, and thus most of those closest to me rarely know I'm on the brink of a break-down because I have auto-trained myself to be ridiculously self-sufficient and I turn people away when they try to get close.
This is horrendously wrong, and so is allowing myself to spend all of my internal thoughts on these forms of anxiety. To be constantly introverted and constantly thinking about myself and my hurts, my losses, my sufferings, my misfortunes, my predicaments is repulsive. It's absolutely repulsive and unfortunately it is one of my biggest tendencies and temptations in this life.
This pattern has caused me to be on various medications (albeit few prescription medications, mostly all-natural supplements in a variety of colors, size and lengthily-worded ingredients) over the past several years. This in and of itself is something else I tend to struggle with, as I dislike feeling reliant on pills. I feel weak as though I can't handle my own life, which in hindsight, isn't actually bad, thus being on pills for a relatively harmless life tends to make me feel like the worst sort of failure.
During the last bout I had with this depressive anxiety, I went to see my naturopathic doctor and she prescribed another series of supplements and vitamins. I took them for a few weeks until the world felt less dark, and my stomach bloat went away, and then I shoved them far back in my bathroom drawer, trying to forget my dependence on them and to guide myself into the ways of being strong and self-sufficient instead.
Well, you know what lovers? I can be real stupid sometimes.
Sure enough, a few months went by without the natural aids and as soon as the going got tough, my world went very dark and consequently I found myself in another tailspin, as I realized again last night while watching Thor 2.
This dep-anx bout has been going on (amazingly, it's escaped my knowledge until now) for the past several months. I have been completely absorbed in unimportant matters; real matters, which have caused real pain within my body, and heart, I grant that, but unimportant all the same.
The cycle always looks the same: I start to sleep restlessly, soon I begin waking up for hours in the middle of the night. I crave foods high in carb content and cut out natural proteins almost entirely (for the record, I almost never notice that I'm doing this). I become exhausted 24/7 and therefore have extremely low energy levels. I cease all forms of activity. I start to put on weight and my face begins to break out. I get nauseating headaches from a starving, yet always full, stomach and I tend to find 3 good reasons to cry daily.
I am a walking nightmare to be around, and the oddity of it all is I rarely notice it's happening to me, until I have one of those epiphanies (such as the one I had last night) and then things slowly start to fall back into their proper places.
I started taking my supplements again about five days ago. Already, the dark, suppressive cloud I've been living in seems to have lightened considerably. At some point, I've got to realize that my body needs these supplements. There's nothing I can do about it, and there's nothing wrong with it, either. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance.
I'm sleeping through the night, and sleeping well.
I confess my sins of pride and overwhelming selfishness to God before you all as witnesses, and I deeply apologize to anyone who has been caught in the crossfire of my vicious cycle lately, particularly my family. I am sorry I am not easy to live with.
Christ is shining on me today, lovers- just like He's shining on all of you, as well.
Don't loose touch with yourself, the way I have the past few months.
It's just not worth it.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
(Also, go see the new Thor movie. It's eye-opening. ;) )
Well, lovers- I'm no longer dead.
I've alluded to an emotionally turbulent past few months in my recent posts, and I reaffirm that allusion here today.
I confess to you, lovers, that I have not been a shining example of that glorious, elusive Proverbs 31 woman as of late. I have not been clothed with "dignity, and righteousness," nor have I been "laughing without fear of my future."
I have lived the past few months trembling, in constant fear and distress, and wallowing in a sick ball of my own debilitating self-absorption. I have lost sleep and sanity over simple matters of the heart which I am not proud to say have unmasked the depth of my weaknesses. My heart found itself in a place it was not ready to be, and I have spent quite a few sleepless nights crying my hurt out to God.
But you see, I thought throughout all of my distress, that I was doing the right thing by leaning so heavily in the comforting arms of my Savior. I thought that constantly complaining to God during my morning and evening commutes, throughout lulls in my work day, and every night before bed was healthy. I thought that masking my discontent through prayers meant I was trusting in God to deliver me from my heartache.
Lovers, I was wrong.
Please don't misunderstand me. When we go through trials, and suffer losses or unexpected hurts, we are to lean solely on Jesus Christ as our one, everlasting comforter. This is an absolute truth. I cannot, and will not deny this.
However, there's a fine line between grieving and wallowing. My vulnerability in the eyes of my Lord gave way to crumbling selfishness and self-obsession, and I completely lost sight of my life, my purpose.
I forgot to focus on what brings joy in life. I forgot to focus on the care of and attention to others. I forgot to busy my mind with other things, good things- I forgot to strive to be a blessing to others and to be thankful for my current heart condition.
I forgot how to laugh. I forgot to "count it all joy."
The worst part of this, is the fact that I only just realized my predicament last night.
It might seem stupid to say, but I realized it while I was sitting in my local theater by myself, watching an early evening showing of Thor 2: The Dark World.
A simple line delivered from the ridiculously attractive (Seriously, it's not fair) Tom Hiddleston (cloaked as Loki in green with disgustingly suave greased hair... Yeah, okay, I'm not really sure I get my attraction to this character either... You learn something new about yourself everyday. I digress.)
anyway, this line was delivered during a heated argument with his brother, Thor, and it figuratively brought me before my knees as it drifted through my ears.
"Satisfaction is not in my nature."
Lovers, do you know what hasn't been in my nature over the past few months?
Satisfaction.
I have not been satisfied with the current situation in life that God has set before me.
I have been acting like a spoiled child, rolling around in their own ungrateful filth, upset that their desires have been refused, or postponed.
God, forgive my dissatisfaction. Forgive my selfishness. You are enough. You are enough.
The truth is, lovers, I have struggled with depressive anxiety for most of my post-adolescent life.
I go through good spells, and I go through bad spells.
Each bad spell gets progressively easier to go through, and my hope and prayer is that someday, I will no longer experience tailspins when things go awry as they tend to do every-so-often. It's a work in progress, and it's a process that humbles me before Christ in more ways than I can count, so perhaps my anxiety is actually one of my greatest blessings. Not sure I can let myself see it that way, yet, but who knows what the future will bring?
What I almost never seem to remember, however, through these bad spells, is that constant introspection is extremely unhealthy.
What I mean by that, is things are always at their absolute worst, when I spend most of my waking hours thinking about whatever it is I'm going through. Financial stress, emotional stress, relational stress. I tend to live my life constantly worrying about each of these areas, even when I am laughing, or seem happy.
I mask my stress extremely well, and thus most of those closest to me rarely know I'm on the brink of a break-down because I have auto-trained myself to be ridiculously self-sufficient and I turn people away when they try to get close.
This is horrendously wrong, and so is allowing myself to spend all of my internal thoughts on these forms of anxiety. To be constantly introverted and constantly thinking about myself and my hurts, my losses, my sufferings, my misfortunes, my predicaments is repulsive. It's absolutely repulsive and unfortunately it is one of my biggest tendencies and temptations in this life.
This pattern has caused me to be on various medications (albeit few prescription medications, mostly all-natural supplements in a variety of colors, size and lengthily-worded ingredients) over the past several years. This in and of itself is something else I tend to struggle with, as I dislike feeling reliant on pills. I feel weak as though I can't handle my own life, which in hindsight, isn't actually bad, thus being on pills for a relatively harmless life tends to make me feel like the worst sort of failure.
During the last bout I had with this depressive anxiety, I went to see my naturopathic doctor and she prescribed another series of supplements and vitamins. I took them for a few weeks until the world felt less dark, and my stomach bloat went away, and then I shoved them far back in my bathroom drawer, trying to forget my dependence on them and to guide myself into the ways of being strong and self-sufficient instead.
Well, you know what lovers? I can be real stupid sometimes.
Sure enough, a few months went by without the natural aids and as soon as the going got tough, my world went very dark and consequently I found myself in another tailspin, as I realized again last night while watching Thor 2.
This dep-anx bout has been going on (amazingly, it's escaped my knowledge until now) for the past several months. I have been completely absorbed in unimportant matters; real matters, which have caused real pain within my body, and heart, I grant that, but unimportant all the same.
The cycle always looks the same: I start to sleep restlessly, soon I begin waking up for hours in the middle of the night. I crave foods high in carb content and cut out natural proteins almost entirely (for the record, I almost never notice that I'm doing this). I become exhausted 24/7 and therefore have extremely low energy levels. I cease all forms of activity. I start to put on weight and my face begins to break out. I get nauseating headaches from a starving, yet always full, stomach and I tend to find 3 good reasons to cry daily.
I am a walking nightmare to be around, and the oddity of it all is I rarely notice it's happening to me, until I have one of those epiphanies (such as the one I had last night) and then things slowly start to fall back into their proper places.
I started taking my supplements again about five days ago. Already, the dark, suppressive cloud I've been living in seems to have lightened considerably. At some point, I've got to realize that my body needs these supplements. There's nothing I can do about it, and there's nothing wrong with it, either. Acceptance. Acceptance. Acceptance.
I'm sleeping through the night, and sleeping well.
I confess my sins of pride and overwhelming selfishness to God before you all as witnesses, and I deeply apologize to anyone who has been caught in the crossfire of my vicious cycle lately, particularly my family. I am sorry I am not easy to live with.
Christ is shining on me today, lovers- just like He's shining on all of you, as well.
Don't loose touch with yourself, the way I have the past few months.
It's just not worth it.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
(Also, go see the new Thor movie. It's eye-opening. ;) )
Monday, November 4, 2013
It's A Monday.
Happy Monday evening to you, lovers.
For some of us, this Monday evening looks like blaring Billy Talent and Sum 41 while cleaning the bathroom after enjoying a bowl-full of homemade risotto (thanks, dad) and some red wine.
The Italians know how to relieve stress, no?
The following phrases have, admittedly, been uttered tonight by yours truly due to such Italian stress relievers.
"I'mma eat all these damn cookies." (Spoken to no-one in particular.)
"I deserve this, man." (.... Also spoken to no-one in particular.)
And my personal favorite ".... Stoppppp, you're being rude." (Spoken to my computer's automatic update task manager).
What can I say?
Risotto, Coppola and circus animal cookies make me feel pretty talkative.
As I'm sitting here, waiting for the bathroom cleaners to get nice and sudsy on all my bathroom surfaces, I decided to take a few moments to focus on thankfulness.
'Tis the season after all, right?
1. I am thankful, tonight, for the healthy sounds of punk rock streaming out of my laptop speakers. (Some things never change.)
2. I am thankful for the cool bathroom floor on which I am currently laying as I wait for the cleaners to perform their chemical magic. (I promise, this is merely because I am lazy. It has nothing to do with the wine. What kind of person do you think I am? It's a Monday, for crying out loud.)
3. Strange to say, I'm thankful for bathrooms which need cleaning.
4. I'm thankful for Italy.
5. I'm thankful for gym shorts and My Chemical Romance t-shirts and best friend group texts.
6. I'm thankful, tonight, that I'm single. (Take note of that, because I may never say that again.)
Life is always good, even when it seems really hard.
Wouldn't you agree, lovers?
I love you all.
Goodnight.
For some of us, this Monday evening looks like blaring Billy Talent and Sum 41 while cleaning the bathroom after enjoying a bowl-full of homemade risotto (thanks, dad) and some red wine.
The Italians know how to relieve stress, no?
The following phrases have, admittedly, been uttered tonight by yours truly due to such Italian stress relievers.
"I'mma eat all these damn cookies." (Spoken to no-one in particular.)
"I deserve this, man." (.... Also spoken to no-one in particular.)
And my personal favorite ".... Stoppppp, you're being rude." (Spoken to my computer's automatic update task manager).
What can I say?
Risotto, Coppola and circus animal cookies make me feel pretty talkative.
As I'm sitting here, waiting for the bathroom cleaners to get nice and sudsy on all my bathroom surfaces, I decided to take a few moments to focus on thankfulness.
'Tis the season after all, right?
1. I am thankful, tonight, for the healthy sounds of punk rock streaming out of my laptop speakers. (Some things never change.)
2. I am thankful for the cool bathroom floor on which I am currently laying as I wait for the cleaners to perform their chemical magic. (I promise, this is merely because I am lazy. It has nothing to do with the wine. What kind of person do you think I am? It's a Monday, for crying out loud.)
3. Strange to say, I'm thankful for bathrooms which need cleaning.
4. I'm thankful for Italy.
5. I'm thankful for gym shorts and My Chemical Romance t-shirts and best friend group texts.
6. I'm thankful, tonight, that I'm single. (Take note of that, because I may never say that again.)
Life is always good, even when it seems really hard.
Wouldn't you agree, lovers?
I love you all.
Goodnight.
Sunday, November 3, 2013
Morning Song
Good morning, lovers.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table, sipping on a hot mug of Ethiopian blend from Water Avenue (There's that word 'Yirgacheffe' again)... Listening to the sounds of my father frying sausage and potatoes in a pan on the stove and the morning-banjo strums of the Avett Brothers singing us both into a fluid sort of calm.
It's currently 8:20am, even though my mind is certain it's really 9:20am, and I keep having miniature freak-outs every time I glance at the clock. Daylight Savings Time has never been a close friend of mine.
I don't actually have a lot to say on this lazy Sunday early morning, except I do want to keep up the tradition of thankfulness as best that I can.
So here we go.
1. Today I am thankful for the beautiful moments God sends our way, even though life is hard.
2. Today I am thankful for my orange coffee mug which recites Luke 1:47 "My spirit rejoices in God my Savior!"
3. Today I am thankful for the strength and grace of women like my mother.
4. Today I am thankful for mornings.
5. Today I am thankful for my church, which at the end of every week really does feel like a haven in a storm, which really reminds me of my purpose on earth as one of God's warriors and messengers.
6. Today I am thankful for the things which hurt our hearts, even if their sole purpose is just to remind us that we're human beings, not robots.
Finally, there are a few things that I'm 100% not thankful for, that I absolutely should be. I'm going to list them here as things you might consider praying about for me, on the off chance that I ever cross your mind. I can't tell you how much I would appreciate it, if you do.
1. I am not thankful for cancer.
2. I am not thankful for distance.
3. I am not thankful for math.
4. I am not thankful, sometimes, for the plan God currently has for my life. (This is another reason why I AM thankful for my church, because my convictions rise and my sins are forgiven every Sunday and throughout the week as well.)
5. I am not thankful for the way friendships change.
Alright, lovers.
That's all for today.
Thanks for reading, thanks for considering prayers, and enjoy your extra hour of worship. Whether that be used for sleeping, praying, reading your bible, kissing your babies, or cooking breakfast for a loved one.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table, sipping on a hot mug of Ethiopian blend from Water Avenue (There's that word 'Yirgacheffe' again)... Listening to the sounds of my father frying sausage and potatoes in a pan on the stove and the morning-banjo strums of the Avett Brothers singing us both into a fluid sort of calm.
It's currently 8:20am, even though my mind is certain it's really 9:20am, and I keep having miniature freak-outs every time I glance at the clock. Daylight Savings Time has never been a close friend of mine.
I don't actually have a lot to say on this lazy Sunday early morning, except I do want to keep up the tradition of thankfulness as best that I can.
So here we go.
1. Today I am thankful for the beautiful moments God sends our way, even though life is hard.
2. Today I am thankful for my orange coffee mug which recites Luke 1:47 "My spirit rejoices in God my Savior!"
3. Today I am thankful for the strength and grace of women like my mother.
4. Today I am thankful for mornings.
5. Today I am thankful for my church, which at the end of every week really does feel like a haven in a storm, which really reminds me of my purpose on earth as one of God's warriors and messengers.
6. Today I am thankful for the things which hurt our hearts, even if their sole purpose is just to remind us that we're human beings, not robots.
Finally, there are a few things that I'm 100% not thankful for, that I absolutely should be. I'm going to list them here as things you might consider praying about for me, on the off chance that I ever cross your mind. I can't tell you how much I would appreciate it, if you do.
1. I am not thankful for cancer.
2. I am not thankful for distance.
3. I am not thankful for math.
4. I am not thankful, sometimes, for the plan God currently has for my life. (This is another reason why I AM thankful for my church, because my convictions rise and my sins are forgiven every Sunday and throughout the week as well.)
5. I am not thankful for the way friendships change.
Alright, lovers.
That's all for today.
Thanks for reading, thanks for considering prayers, and enjoy your extra hour of worship. Whether that be used for sleeping, praying, reading your bible, kissing your babies, or cooking breakfast for a loved one.
Friday, November 1, 2013
November Blue
Lovers,
The first day of a new month is always minty-fresh, isn't it?
Winter is coming, and I'm excited for the stark newness it always seems to bring with it. The past three months have been rough, to say the least. I can't help but remember late last year, when I forecasted 2013's theme as being one of "Solitude."
Over the past few months, I've felt the reality of that word in a maddening sense. Solitude wasn't intended to mean isolation, but rarely do predicted emotions work out the way you intend them too. "So it goes, so it goes. "
October is over. It is done, it won't come around for another 12 months. With it, I also say goodbye to the crisp tear-stained nights spent hugging my pillowcase in quiet moments of frustration, and I say goodbye to the crinkly sounds of Nat King Cole teasing my tired heart to sleep only to wake suddenly a few hours later in the deadest hours of night, worrying about things I cannot control.
Goodbye, tiny hurts. November marks the beginning of a new season in which I plan to practice thankfulness and exaggerated amounts of prayer.
"Just a closer walk with thee, granted Jesus is my plea. Daily walking close to thee, let it be, dear Lord, let it be."
Life is spurring us all onward, lovers.
For me, this looks like new papers to write and new classes to enroll in and Christmas holidays to be spent in warm places. It looks like falling in love with my new puppy, Moseby. (Photographs to come soon after his arrival into my arms next weekend.) It looks like a few excruciatingly difficult conversations which God is prepping me daily for, despite my fears and hesitations on the changes those conversations might bring. It looks like unforeseen, exciting expansion at work, it looks like saying goodbye to life as I've known it over the past two years, and holding my own hands as I toddle carefully into the future. ( I can't hold your hand anymore, dearest, to keep me strong. I have to hold my own now. I am sorry. )
It looks like singing hymns in the shower. It looks like laughing again, really laughing. It looks like new journeys, previously known as adventures. It looks like dressing up my puppy in sunglasses and capes and driving with him to new places. It looks like making the distinctive shift from freely sharing to carefully guarding my precious heart. It looks like sipping Water Avenue coffee in my pajamas while perusing Pinterest and setting new personal goals for my life. (Such as: get a French Bulldog, marry a man with an impressive bearding ability, convince that man to build me my very own tree-house. For those of you wondering, I am 1/3 of the way there. Or I will be as soon as Moseby comes home next weekend.)
It looks like letting go completely of the past two years and all their overwhelming significance on my life. Yes, the past two years have changed me completely- I have come a strangely full 360 degrees since I left for Ecola two years ago. Those years were beautiful, and life-changing, and they swelled and surged as powerfully as the stormy ocean they were set by.... But they're over. They're over, just like the month of October is finally over, and I cannot cling to them as my buoy anymore.
I must stand on my own two feet from now on. My eyes cannot be turned over my shoulder, yearning for that one summer filled with those heartbreaking people anymore. My eyes are upward, forward. "My chains fell off, my heart is free- I rose, went forth and followed thee. "
It's freeing, and sharp, and scary, and sometimes I feel throttled by fear, but I know it is right. It is good. I am trusting the Lord, and that is all-consuming, as it should be.
Today I am thankful for the first day of a new month.
I am thankful for the emotional roller coaster this year has been.
I am thankful for hymns.
I am thankful for the word "yirgacheffe" even though I have no idea what it means.
I am thankful for this space and the words I choose to fill it with, words you are so loving and caring to receive.
Happy November, lovers.
The first day of a new month is always minty-fresh, isn't it?
Winter is coming, and I'm excited for the stark newness it always seems to bring with it. The past three months have been rough, to say the least. I can't help but remember late last year, when I forecasted 2013's theme as being one of "Solitude."
Over the past few months, I've felt the reality of that word in a maddening sense. Solitude wasn't intended to mean isolation, but rarely do predicted emotions work out the way you intend them too. "So it goes, so it goes. "
October is over. It is done, it won't come around for another 12 months. With it, I also say goodbye to the crisp tear-stained nights spent hugging my pillowcase in quiet moments of frustration, and I say goodbye to the crinkly sounds of Nat King Cole teasing my tired heart to sleep only to wake suddenly a few hours later in the deadest hours of night, worrying about things I cannot control.
Goodbye, tiny hurts. November marks the beginning of a new season in which I plan to practice thankfulness and exaggerated amounts of prayer.
"Just a closer walk with thee, granted Jesus is my plea. Daily walking close to thee, let it be, dear Lord, let it be."
Life is spurring us all onward, lovers.
For me, this looks like new papers to write and new classes to enroll in and Christmas holidays to be spent in warm places. It looks like falling in love with my new puppy, Moseby. (Photographs to come soon after his arrival into my arms next weekend.) It looks like a few excruciatingly difficult conversations which God is prepping me daily for, despite my fears and hesitations on the changes those conversations might bring. It looks like unforeseen, exciting expansion at work, it looks like saying goodbye to life as I've known it over the past two years, and holding my own hands as I toddle carefully into the future. ( I can't hold your hand anymore, dearest, to keep me strong. I have to hold my own now. I am sorry. )
It looks like singing hymns in the shower. It looks like laughing again, really laughing. It looks like new journeys, previously known as adventures. It looks like dressing up my puppy in sunglasses and capes and driving with him to new places. It looks like making the distinctive shift from freely sharing to carefully guarding my precious heart. It looks like sipping Water Avenue coffee in my pajamas while perusing Pinterest and setting new personal goals for my life. (Such as: get a French Bulldog, marry a man with an impressive bearding ability, convince that man to build me my very own tree-house. For those of you wondering, I am 1/3 of the way there. Or I will be as soon as Moseby comes home next weekend.)
It looks like letting go completely of the past two years and all their overwhelming significance on my life. Yes, the past two years have changed me completely- I have come a strangely full 360 degrees since I left for Ecola two years ago. Those years were beautiful, and life-changing, and they swelled and surged as powerfully as the stormy ocean they were set by.... But they're over. They're over, just like the month of October is finally over, and I cannot cling to them as my buoy anymore.
I must stand on my own two feet from now on. My eyes cannot be turned over my shoulder, yearning for that one summer filled with those heartbreaking people anymore. My eyes are upward, forward. "My chains fell off, my heart is free- I rose, went forth and followed thee. "
It's freeing, and sharp, and scary, and sometimes I feel throttled by fear, but I know it is right. It is good. I am trusting the Lord, and that is all-consuming, as it should be.
Today I am thankful for the first day of a new month.
I am thankful for the emotional roller coaster this year has been.
I am thankful for hymns.
I am thankful for the word "yirgacheffe" even though I have no idea what it means.
I am thankful for this space and the words I choose to fill it with, words you are so loving and caring to receive.
Happy November, lovers.
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