Awake, O Sleeper

"Awake, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." -Ephesians 5:14

Well, lovers- I'm no longer dead.

I've alluded to an emotionally turbulent past few months in my recent posts, and I reaffirm that allusion here today.

I confess to you, lovers, that I have not been a shining example of that glorious, elusive Proverbs 31 woman as of late.  I have not been clothed with "dignity, and righteousness,"  nor have I been "laughing without fear of my future."

I have lived the past few months trembling, in constant fear and distress, and wallowing in a sick ball of my own debilitating self-absorption. I have lost sleep and sanity over simple matters of the heart which I am not proud to say have unmasked the depth of my weaknesses. My heart found itself in a place it was not ready to be, and I have spent quite a few sleepless nights crying my hurt out to God. 

But you see, I thought throughout all of my distress, that I was doing the right thing by leaning so heavily in the comforting arms of my Savior.  I thought that constantly complaining to God during my morning and evening commutes, throughout lulls in my work day, and every night before bed was healthy.  I thought that masking my discontent through prayers meant I was trusting in God to deliver me from my heartache.

Lovers, I was wrong.

Please don't misunderstand me.  When we go through trials, and suffer losses or unexpected hurts, we are to lean solely on Jesus Christ as our one, everlasting comforter.  This is an absolute truth.  I cannot, and will not deny this.

However, there's a fine line between grieving and wallowing.  My vulnerability in the eyes of my Lord gave way to crumbling selfishness and self-obsession, and I completely lost sight of my life, my purpose.

I forgot to focus on what brings joy in life.  I forgot to focus on the care of and attention to others.  I forgot to busy my mind with other things, good things- I forgot to strive to be a blessing to others and to be thankful for my current heart condition.

I forgot how to laugh.  I forgot to "count it all joy."

The worst part of this, is the fact that I only just realized my predicament last night.

It might seem stupid to say, but I realized it while I was sitting in my local theater by myself, watching an early evening showing of Thor 2: The Dark World.

A simple line delivered from the ridiculously attractive (Seriously, it's not fair) Tom Hiddleston  (cloaked as Loki in green with disgustingly suave greased hair... Yeah, okay, I'm not really sure I get my attraction to this character either... You learn something new about yourself everyday. I digress.)
anyway, this line was delivered during a heated argument with his brother, Thor, and it figuratively brought me before my knees as it drifted through my ears.

"Satisfaction is not in my nature."

Lovers, do you know what hasn't been in my nature over the past few months?

Satisfaction.

I have not been satisfied with the current situation in life that God has set before me.

I have been acting like a spoiled child, rolling around in their own ungrateful filth, upset that their desires have been refused, or postponed.

God, forgive my dissatisfaction.  Forgive my selfishness. You are enough.  You are enough.

The truth is, lovers, I have struggled with depressive anxiety for most of my post-adolescent life.

I go through good spells, and I go through bad spells.

Each bad spell gets progressively easier to go through, and my hope and prayer is that someday, I will no longer experience tailspins when things go awry as they tend to do every-so-often.  It's a work in progress, and it's a process that humbles me before Christ in more ways than I can count, so perhaps my anxiety is actually one of my greatest blessings.  Not sure I can let myself see it that way, yet, but who knows what the future will bring?

What I almost never seem to remember, however, through these bad spells, is that constant introspection is extremely unhealthy.

What I mean by that, is things are always at their absolute worst, when I spend most of my waking hours thinking about whatever it is I'm going through.  Financial stress, emotional stress, relational stress.  I tend to live my life constantly worrying about each of these areas, even when I am laughing, or seem happy.

I mask my stress extremely well, and thus most of those closest to me rarely know I'm on the brink of a break-down because I have auto-trained myself to be ridiculously self-sufficient and I turn people away when they try to get close.

This is horrendously wrong, and so is allowing myself to spend all of my internal thoughts on these forms of anxiety.  To be constantly introverted and constantly thinking about myself and my hurts, my losses, my sufferings, my misfortunes, my predicaments is repulsive.  It's absolutely repulsive and unfortunately it is one of my biggest tendencies and temptations in this life.

This pattern has caused me to be on various medications (albeit few prescription medications, mostly all-natural supplements in a variety of colors, size and lengthily-worded ingredients) over the past several years.  This in and of itself is something else I tend to struggle with, as I dislike feeling reliant on pills.  I feel weak as though I can't handle my own life, which in hindsight, isn't actually bad, thus being on pills for a relatively harmless life tends to make me feel like the worst sort of failure.

During the last bout I had with this depressive anxiety, I went to see my naturopathic doctor and she prescribed another series of supplements and vitamins.  I took them for a few weeks until the world felt less dark, and my stomach bloat went away, and then I shoved them far back in my bathroom drawer, trying to forget my dependence on them and to guide myself into the ways of being strong and self-sufficient instead.

Well, you know what lovers?  I can be real stupid sometimes.

Sure enough, a few months went by without the natural aids and as soon as the going got tough, my world went very dark and consequently I found myself in another tailspin, as I realized again last night while watching Thor 2. 

This dep-anx bout has been going on (amazingly, it's escaped my knowledge until now) for the past several months. I have been completely absorbed in unimportant matters; real matters, which have caused real pain within my body, and heart, I grant that, but unimportant all the same.

The cycle always looks the same: I start to sleep restlessly, soon I begin waking up for hours in the middle of the night.  I crave foods high in carb content and cut out natural proteins almost entirely (for the record, I almost never notice that I'm doing this). I become exhausted 24/7 and therefore have extremely low energy levels. I cease all forms of activity.  I start to put on weight and my face begins to break out. I get nauseating headaches from a starving, yet always full, stomach and I tend to find 3 good reasons to cry daily.

I am a walking nightmare to be around, and the oddity of it all is I rarely notice it's happening to me, until I have one of those epiphanies (such as the one I had last night) and then things slowly start to fall back into their proper places.

I started taking my supplements again about five days ago.  Already, the dark, suppressive cloud I've been living in seems to have lightened considerably. At some point, I've got to realize that my body needs these supplements.  There's nothing I can do about it, and there's nothing wrong with it, either.  Acceptance.  Acceptance.  Acceptance.

I'm sleeping through the night, and sleeping well.

I confess my sins of pride and overwhelming selfishness to God before you all as witnesses, and I deeply apologize to anyone who has been caught in the crossfire of my vicious cycle lately, particularly my family.  I am sorry I am not easy to live with.

Christ is shining on me today, lovers- just like He's shining on all of you, as well.

Don't loose touch with yourself, the way I have the past few months.

It's just not worth it.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

(Also, go see the new Thor movie.  It's eye-opening. ;) )