"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it's better to be asbolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jTa25ZaRl78

Sometimes I have a thousand things I want to say, but the words are hard to find.

It's like I have all the ingredients aligned and measured on the counter, but I have nothing to put them in.

That was a bad metaphor.

There's rain falling outside of my window, the clock has just struck 11:11 and I haven't made a wish yet.....

I hope it comes true.

I wish (just so you know, this isn't what I wished for a few minutes ago, although, now I think I should have wished this instead) that I could be more like Marilyn Monroe.
I don't mean bombshell, sex-pot, 'diamonds are a girl's best friend' glittering Marilyn (although she is fabulous), I mean strong, ambitious, tragic, "If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best", winsome Marilyn.
The one who fought tooth and nail to make valuing yourself a desirable trait in women.

It hit me today that she is the unofficial spokesperson for womanhood.
WWMD?
Glamorous, smart, unassuming, aloof Marilyn.

Women are beautiful, and we're also very, very tragic.
It's our curse.
Our red carpet antics stem from our flair for the dramatic, and in the end all we are is tragic.
Tragic hair, tragic eyes, tragic mouths that curve into tragic smiles.
Tragic hearts, tragic laughs, tragic thoughts that carry us for many tragic miles.
But do you know the secret behind tragedy?
It's beautiful.
And because it's beautiful, we are desirable.
In all it's heart-breaking, unprecedented and luminescent truth, tragedy is beautiful.
It shines, drawing near all those who can relate to it's grand, glimmering orb, and who can relate to tragedy?
Everyone.
Therefore, it is inescapable, and because it's inescapable, we are desirable.

Truth.

I feel like Marilyn would agree with me on what I learned today.
I learned that sometimes, the greatest gift you can give to a hurting friend is not a shoulder to cry on, and it's not a present bought with money, and it's not soothing words whispered into sad, receiving ears.
The greatest gift you can give someone who is hurting is a fabulous homemade breakfast, and a chance for them to say what they feel without being judged, without giving opinions, and without offering advice.
A safe haven, a healthy environment for their already malnourished spirits.
A plate of pancakes with a cup of tea and the simple words, "I validate that", to brush away years of being heard, but not really listened to.

That's the key, isn't it?
You can hear a million different words in a day, but if you don't actually listen, they might as well have fallen on def ears.

It's like looking at ten different places on a map. Unless you actually see them, how are you to know which is best?

Life isn't about hearing the most, or looking at the most things....
Life's about listening when there's nothing to hear, and seeing when there's nothing to look at.
Giving thanks when nothing has been received.
Smiling when nothing has been said.
And most of all, laughing when the only thing left to do is cry.


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so you can learn to let go, things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
-Marilyn Monroe

Unearthly Diamonds

I had an experience last night.

First, I should start off by saying that I went and saw The Social Network with The Family, and it exceeded all my rather low expectations by miles and miles. So many amazing films have been released this year! In my opinion, this one ranks right up there with the likes of Inception and Avatar. It was such a fantastic screenplay, and the script was incredible. I laughed a lot. Coming home after the movie, I decided to try and find Mark Zuckerberg on Facebook... but you can't actually add him as a friend. You can message him, or become a fan... but not a friend. That was sad. ;)

However, I didn't come up and sit at my morning desk to blog about Mark Zuckerberg. I came up to blog about the amazing experience I had after the movie. On the way home, I was with two very close friends. Sitting in the passenger seat, it was my duty to control the music. We listened to Are You Still Mad by Alanis Morissette because, lately, I have been obsessing over her album "Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie". (Seriously. The entire album reduces me to raw inspiration. I. LOVE. IT.)
Anyways, as the words washed over my ears, I rolled down the window and looked out at the stars. Then it hit me.
As soon as I got home, I raced inside and changed into my pajamas, socks, oversized sweatshirt and grabbed an extra blanket or two for warmth. Then I grabbed my laptop, iPod and notebook and entered the frosty world outside. I curled up into a chair on the back patio, with a blanket and my laptop in my lap, earbuds plugged firmly into my ears and that Alanis Morissette album on repeat. It was time to write.
It was so cold outside, the temperature had drawn frosted patterns over the glass-top patio table. I could see my breath in front of me. The stars shone like unearthly diamonds in the navy sky and my fingers were tingling with unbridled excitement. It was like something had awoken deep inside of me, the frigid night air sharpened my senses and focused my mind...... The words started flowing and everything just melted away. Time seemed to stop, the minutes ceased ticking. Everything was beautiful. Nothing in that moment could be touched by pain or sorrow, or frustration. Inspiration in it's purest form came pouring forth from the stars above, and as I paused to look above me at their elusive, glittering patterns, I thought for only a moment how envious I was of the cosmos.
To shine so brightly that you light the darkened world every night, to watch as cities come to life and quiet suburbs go to meet their rest, to be the cause for so much celebration, inspiration, happiness, love and peacefulness, to be of the universe, yet so far removed from the world that its inhabitants can only dream of reaching you........
I've always been amazed at the starry sky. It's vast reaches have always boggled my mind.
A blue sky is always welcomed, and a grey sky is more comforting than any other, but a starry sky is unrivalled in it's simple beauty. And on a late night in mid-October, the world seems to come alive under its never-ending span of perfection.
I wrote and wrote and wrote.
And this time, I didn't feel dangerous- I felt deliriously overcome with contentedness, as if in that moment there was absolutely nowhere else in the entire world I would rather be, than wrapped in the arms of a cold, starry night.
The experience was so altering, I had to share.
:)

Dangerous Today

I don't know if it's the grey sky and windy chill outside, or the fact that I feel hyper-aware of everything in my surroundings, the feeling in my stomach that I get when I'm about to write something particularly discomforting, or the fact that I've been alone all morning, listening to chaotic songs that make me feel I'm slipping on the brink of insanity, but there is something going on in my head today.
It's that same sort of feeling you get when you listen to Like You by Evanescence.

Mostly, I think it just has to do with the fact that I've not been writing recently and all these inspirations have to manifest themselves in some way; they usually tend to manifest themselves in dark manners, dark feelings, dark thoughts... But somehow, it makes me feel more alive.
It's funny how you can have your whole day planned to a 'T'. You know exactly what needs to get done, and exactly how to get it done, and you are determined to finish it all by the end of the day. Then, suddenly, as you're listening to a song you haven't listened to in over a year, this feeling starts to bubble in the center of your stomach, and you realize that you're not going to get anything done today. You're not going to get anything done because you're being summoned by some invisible force, or trigger, that guides your mind completely away from the shadows of today, and plants it deep within your subconscious. Swirling around you, the inner corners of your mind rise like the ocean tides and you feel your fingers reach towards a pen. It's at this moment, you know you're not going to get anything done today because you have to write.
You've been triggered. Your subconscious has been awoken. There's no turning back.
Where's your notebook? Where's your laptop? The bittersweet piano intro is repeating in your ears, it's melody is what triggered you. It always has to do with a piano intro in a minor key, doesn't it? It does for me. That's my trigger.
I can't control the urge to write when I'm being led by a melody played on a piano.
I'm led, as if in some sort of trance, to the nearest platform that will take me into the wildly unstable and irresistable world of creativity at it's finest.
My mind is a furie. My eyes wide, frightened. My jaw clenched. Then I pause, close my eyes for a moment, breathe, and then they come. The words pour out like hot, sticky syrup over steaming pancakes. And for the next however many hours, I'm consumed in a passion.

There's a reason why a lot of writers live in exclusion. We're a rather scary breed, if you're not used to us. A lot of people don't understand the intensity, the anger, the frustration, the depression, the elation, the hyperactive thinking, the raw and unbridled joy,the excitement, the bitterness and the fierce confusion that comes with being a writer. In addition to the late-night eating, the midnight walks in cemeteries, the ecstasy getting caught in the rain brings, the deep appreciation for every written word, and the affection for dangerous thoughts, a lot of people think we're crazy.
We are crazy, but we also see things differently, and that in and of itself is a beautiful and dangerous thing. The thing that is perhaps the most unsettling about writers, however, is that you can go your whole life without knowing that you live in close relationship with one, until you witness a single fit of inspiration. We're different in a brilliant array of ways, but we're also everyday people. It's only when triggered that we turn into these word junkies in heavy need of a fix.
I've often thought it's better to live alone when working on a writing project. Writer's block is quite possibly one of the most depressing and frustrating experiences to live through, and also to witness.
Whether it lasts one hour, or three months, the depression is heavy.
It's a love-hate relationship, though, because sometimes, through the depression, you see something so tragic and so beautifully inescapable that you start writing about it, and through the trial you've earned a new blessing.
The instability is unforgivable, but most times, you don't even mind.
It's a writer's high.

You have to choose your poisons, right? I don't do drugs, I don't smoke and I rarely ever drink. I'm not even addicted to caffeine...
But I write. Fervently. I couldn't stop if I tried, and I never want to. It hurts like hell a lot of times, putting your deepest, sometimes darkest, thoughts on paper for everyone to read- you get your heart broken time after time after time, but it's worth it.
For that one jilted fragment of successful and complete satisfaction, the elation and the sense of completion- it's so worth it.

So that's why today is beautiful, in it's own dark way.
That's why I'm feeling a little bit dangerous today.
It's a good thing I'm alone.
Now, to follow that piano melody in a minor key as it tumbles heavily down the rabbit-hole........

Hold Me Closer, Tiny Dancer....

Fall is just around the corner. I love it.
I must say, writing in the morning has become increasingly more appealing to me, and I've started looking forward to these morning sessions as I sit in front of my open windows with the cool air greeting my face so welcomingly.
It's a very inspiring place, the world outside. Especially this time of year, when change is so heavily on the air. Every breeze seems to grow colder, and every scent grows earthier. The leaves start to change and the sky gets darker. Some people think it depressing, I love it. Fall and Winter are my favorite times of the year. There's just so much room for inspiration in these nine months, so much room to grow and change and experience something new, yet always to the tune of a familiar tradition. It's quite poetic, really.
So. A summary of how my September has been since my last post.
Florida was lovely! I got to spend a lot of quality time with my sister, as we discovered the amazing world of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (we watched the entire first season in four days), and we spent a relaxing weekend in Key Largo where I overcame my fear of deep water and snorkeled for the first time! (I really didn't overcome anything, though, because the water we snorkeled in was hardly deep. We were on a very shallow reef. BUT it was five miles off the coast, which I thought was intimidating and scary!)
I got lots of quality time spent with my 22 month old neice, too, and I miss her more every day!
Since then I've signed up for my SATs which I will be taking on October 9th, and, following this blog update I shall start vigorously attacking the study book... I took an extra weekend off work because I got sick the last few days in Florida and tonight I'm going to spend some much needed time with the newlyweds and Rae for movie night. :)
Tomorrow my work weekend starts and I have to say I'm excited to get back to it. I love my job. I'm told that's a blessing. :)
I'm really excited for next week, as next sunday is my dear friend's 16th birthday and I'm traveling up to Seattle to spend four or five days at her house with her for her birthday. I love Seattle and I love her home and it'll be a great way to kick off the fall season.
I'm going to start my bookclub soon, too! And I'm very, very excited for that. I'm co-heading it with my dear friend Natalie, and we decided that our first book shall be Persuasion. I'm excited to get a great group of people together to read and discuss literature. I'm already thinking of an entire list of titles we'll delve into and it's going to be quite a delicious array of books. Speaking of books, I'm almost finished with The Picture of Dorian Grey and I have to say I absolutely love it.
...Nothing seems to be satiating the appetite I have for Anna Karenina, though, and I'm thinking it might be high time to pick out another Tolstoy book to devote my Autumn months to. I've gotten the Russian Literature bug, what can I say?
I'm starting out on another Elton John kick, too. I do this every few months. I spend almost 48 hours straight listening heavily to Elton John and dappling in nostalgia, then everything goes back to normal and I don't listen to him for several weeks. It's funny how things come and go in cycles, isn't it?
"It seems to me you live your life like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to cling to when the rains set in, I would've liked to love you but i was just a kid, the candle burned out long before the legend ever did.."
......That makes me want to watch a Marilyn Monroe movie.
Well, I really should sign off... That SAT studybook is just screaming my name. :)
I'm thinking a nice cup of earl grey and a gingersnap cookie will make this process a lot easier.
Gingersnaps. One more reason to LOVE Fall.
Until next time.....
Xx

I've Got the Magic in Me

New fad: Magic (feat. Rivers Cuomo) by B.o.B.

I've been on the mind-boggling adventure of packing all day today. I'm so glad to say, at 11:22 pm, I'm finally done.
My flight leaves at 8:10 tomorrow morning so I have to, naturally, get up hours before then so I can be at the airport by seven o'clock! Wonderful.
I'm going to Florida to visit my sister.... and I can honestly say I probably won't sleep a wink tonight, because I'm too excited. :)
It's almost like I'm going to Disneyland.... Only better. I would say it's even better than Christmas..... But not much comes close to Christmas. Except for Thanksgiving. I'm sort of a holiday junkie.....A closet holiday junkie, that is, of course. I do know how to keep my obessions somewhat in check. :)
So. I'm flying tomorrow! I haven't flown anywhere in.... well, since last summer. (I know that doesn't seem like that long, but trust me. With my track record, going a whole year without flying is sort of incredible. And I mean that in the most non-bragging way, of course.)
I've flown so much in the past six years that I'd gotten quite burnt out on it. I hated it. I still do, honestly. But I am getting somewhat excited to be in the air again.... even though I hate heights. Weird, isn't it? I'm the girl that can't go on a ferris wheel without having a minor internal freak-out, but I can fly 36,000 feet in the air without a second thought. Until we go over water, that is, then I start to doubt the pilot's abilities. I hate flying over water. The idea of crashing on land is so much more comforting to me than crashing in the ocean. I know that doesn't make any sense. But not much in my mind does make sense, so, this is just how I deal with my inconsistencies. I also get nervous with turbulence. I'm really not a fan of being rocked back and forth and dropped a few feet every now and then when I'm miles above land. Or sea. Some people like it though.They think it's fun, and I'm pretty sure it gives them a weird sort of rush. Crazies.
I do love the feeling of airports in the early morning, though. There's such a rush of excitement in the air, and as you stand in line at Starbucks waiting to purchase your iced white moca and a toasted chonga bagel with cream cheese (Airport breakfast staple), you can't help but feel a sort of thrill building inside of you as you look around the busy terminal. Travelers are trying their hardest to get through security in a quick and efficient manner, which of course results in mass chaos, and there's always somebody being searched because they forgot to take off a pair of cuff links, or a pair of earrings, and now they're standing incredibly disgruntled with arms out and legs askew. Then there's the odd lost child, screaming and screaming and screaming, and you almost take pity until the mother swoops down from somewhere above, yelling in a foreign language and you stop feeling pity and then grow increasingly annoyed at how long it took that mother to notice their child was screaming, and also at how long it is taking the barista to make your very simple iced white mocha.
Once united with your airport breakfast of champions, you head out to find your gate. Dawdling along at a snail's pace (because, of course, you're there unneccessarily early) you wander past all the lovely shops and the restaurants that haven't opened yet. Tired old men are waiting for their wives outside of restrooms, and there's always a lively and excited bunch of people waiting at the international gate for their flight to new and distant destinations.
You find your temporary destination: the newsstand. You take a quick jaunt around the shelves, careful not to spill your coffee on any of the overpriced magazines, grab a few that you probably won't end up reading, and purchase them and any other last minute trinkets that will, as soon as you land, prove themselves to be utterly and completely useless to your vacation. It's time to head to your gate. Reaching it, you automatically check to make sure the flight is on time, it almost always is in the early morning. You can count on that. :)
Looking around, you find not only an empty chair, but an entire empty row of chairs, because nobody wants to sit across from somebody else's Great Aunt Bertha at 7:30 in the morning. Then, you consume your breakfast. Constantly you check your phone to make sure the time is appropriate in relation to your departure. Your foot won't stop tapping. You don't listen to your iPod for fear of missing the boarding call. Over and over again you check your bag to make sure you are in full possession of each boarding pass. Then you check to make sure you haven't lost your ID. Everything boils down to the final moment when you hear the flight attendant's cool, collected voice over the speaker, "We are now boarding flight #...." And then you wait your turn, and as soon as you hand over your boarding pass and embark down the hallway to the entrance of the plane, you feel a silly sort of accomplishment balloon in your gut. You made it through the beginning. Here's to the adventure that follows!

:)
Before I get into the cabin, I always make sure I touch the outside of the plane for good luck. I'm a tad bit superstitious. Call it destiny, call it fate, call it what you will, I can't help but believe silly little things like touching the outside of the plane will help keep the angels on your side. Irrational, I know, but it's part of the dreamer in me. :)

Well, it's now time for bed, as I have to be up in five hours.
Wish me luck!
I hope I haven't forgotten anything too important.
Cheers. Xx

When In Doubt....

A girl learns her most important life lessons from her father.
Dads are the wisest people around; they just know things.
In my family, Dad is the answer to every question, the comfort to every tear, and the source of all vital information necessary for the survival of this whirling spectacle we call life.
In my family, the answers that Dad gives to every question in order of importance are "1. Love and serve God with all that you are, 2. Do what you think is right- you can never be wrong if you do that, and 3. When in doubt, watch The Godfather."
These are the sort of core values that I want to teach to my own children someday- of course, with my own additions, which will probably sound something like this, "4. When in doubt and you can't get to a tv, listen to The Beatles." :)
So, here I am, blogging my thoughts away to a candlelit room as Michael and Kay arrive at Connie's wedding. The young Al Pacino looks so sharp in his military uniform.
............
"Don Corleone, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a masculine child."

There's nothing incredibly pressing on my mind at the moment, nothing huge or life-altering, just some thoughts that are muddled that I need to sort out. Some temporary advice that I need to hear.... And at the kind reminder of a dear family friend who is informed exclusively of all the family's secrets, I smiled humbly knowing I had forgotten the number three rule, and ran downstairs to grab the Godfather.
It's amazing how much you learn from this movie everytime you watch it. I've probably seen it half-a-dozen times, and here I sit, twenty minutes into it, and I've already learned something new. It's a beautiful thing.
Like I said, dads really know their stuff. I love my dad.
He's currently doing this Bible Study thing, and he blogs now. He's just one of those people that you only meet once in your life.
He makes you laugh so hard, that you become adjusted to various sorts of liquids spurting out of your nose. He's raised 3 daughters successfully and very unusually. I only have my dad to thank for my limited but surprising knowledge of La Cosa Nostra, or the fact that I know more about sheatrocking than I do about sewing. It's because of him that I'm so appreciative of good humor, and can sit back and enjoy watching baseball, basketball and golf on ESPN.
We have the same brain. Sometimes, that scares me rather than makes me proud, but, you know, you can't have everything. ;)
He's the greatest guy I know. Sometimes I think that when I move away, missing him will be the hardest part.
I don't usually think that living in Ireland will invoke much sadness in me, but the one thing I do know that will make me cry without fail is watching Father of the Bride, or the Godfather, or Braveheart, and listening to Johnny Mathis.... And I know I'll do those things often because I can't live my life without them. :)
I get my love of reading from him, too. I can't count the times that we've sat together in the living room, each lost in a book.
Speaking of books, I have completed my greatest accomplishment so far!
.....That's not true.
But, I am pretty proud of myself for finishing Anna Karenina.
I meant to blog about it the very day I finished, but life, as it almost always does, got in the way. :)
The last paragraph was rather hard to read because I didn't want it to end.
It was so sad! That book has been my companion for the past four months.... I didn't want to say goodbye! But at the same time, I'm overjoyed to be done with it. I'm now reading The Picture of Dorian Grey...and I'm liking the way Oscar Wilde writes.
...Well, I'm not tired yet. Amazingly. I'm off to finish the Godfather in the comfort of my warm bed and hopefully fall asleep to the sound of the good ole' Italian advice I need.
....And, also hopefully, I won't forget to blow out my candles.

Fried Egg Sandwiches, Overcast Mornings and A Writer's Heart

Have you heard Christina Aguilera's new song, "You Lost Me" ?
It's fantastic.. and appropriate, which is unusual.

I'm sitting in an armchair downstairs in my pajamas with my favorite mug filled with my favorite tea. There's a plate of donuts inbetween my cousin Kelsey and I and Kailey is flitting around, making breakfasts and monitoring the rate of our donut intake. (We're trying to get rid of them, so she's force-feeding them to Kelsey and I who are getting quite sick of Maple Bars). We went to the beach yesterday and are going downtown later this afternoon to shop for books, vintage clothes and, believe it or not, more donuts. This is the only time I've had in the past three weeks to sit down and write for a moment, and it feels absolutely wonderful.
Two of my dearest friends got married last Saturday. I was a bridesmaid, and I was also in charge of catering the event. My mom, aunt and two cousins saved the day on that one- I couldn't have done it without them. I was also, last minute, in charge of getting together the reception music for the wedding, so, needless to say, that day was a mission. It was one of the most beautiful days in remembrance, though, and I'm so blessed to have been a part of it.
The wedding took over my life since my last blog post, and coupled with working and having family in town, it's been an absolutely crazy time. But, it's so exciting when there's a wedding going on in your life. The whole two weeks before the big day are just full of nostalgia, and daydreams, tears and vivid memories, but everything is happy. It's wonderful. :)

Aside from the wedding, I've been able to get my room completely back in order, and it's beautiful. New bedding and curtains were acquired a few days ago, and a set of three huge, oak bookshelves are now resting majestically on one of my walls. They look so beautiful with all my books and photo albums in them. Speaking of books, I found some time this week to stop by Borders and make use of that gift card my sister sent me for Graduation. Newly added to my collection are The Picture of Dorian Grey by Oscar Wilde, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll and a complete collection of Beatles lyrics with photographs and full discography. About a month ago, I also added my own copy of Anna Karenina to my collection and I am proud to say I've only got 120 more pages to get through until I finish it.
I'm going to Powell's today and I have a list of things I want to find there for cheap- among them are the script to Tennessee William's A Streetcar Named Desire, J.D. Salinger's Nine Stories and a copy of The Beautiful and the Damned by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
The greatest book that has been added to my collection recently, however, is one that I got as a present for being in Nat and Ben's wedding. It's a book of Irish Fairy Tales, and it's completely stolen all that was left of my heart......

I've also written another new song, and I'll post the lyrics later. I don't have them with me at the moment, but I must say I do love them and I'm excited for people to hear the song. :)
I bought a new notebook a few days ago, which, to be honest, I don't need at all, but if there's another thing that I collect besides books, it's writing notebooks, and I couldn't pass this one up. It's grey and has an anonymous quote on it, "You don't write because you want to say something. You write because you've got something to say." I really liked that. It's something I've realized over the past couple of years as I've grown in my writing.... And to have a solid reminder always around me is going to be very helpful. :)
My blog posts should be more frequent from now on, I've got nothing major coming up on the calendar, so they shouldn't be so random and choppy anymore.
I need to get off my lazy butt and go brush my teeth, now. The fair is in town, and there is a possibility that it is awaiting my presence as we speak.
So, ta-ta for now.
Enjoy the day!