For Hallie

There's this recipe that has been tossed around the women in my family for a long time, it's from the Marlboro Country Cookbook. Yes, Marlboro as in Marlboro smokes. Yes, they have their own cookbook, and yes, it is phenomenal. There's actually two, that I know of.....
Anyways.
Tonight's baked special is showcased in one of these lovely cookbooks, Towns, Trails and Special Times. I know. I didn't name the book, but I pity the person who did.
I made Breakfast Bars for the first time in probably two years... Two years is far, far too long for these special treats. Essentially, they're a delicious breakfast supplement with dried cranberries, walnuts, oatmeal, chocolate chips, molasses and brown sugar and a few other baking essentials. Fresh out of the oven, reheated, refridgerated, or even frozen, these are absolutely to die for. And they've been around in my family ever since I can remember.
As I was stirring everything together, adding ingredients here, blowing my hair out of my face there, my mind was traveling elsewhere. My fingers knew the territory well, though, so I could afford to loose focus for a while. I took a long trip down memory lane, and dappled in some of my favorite memories that involve my sister, Hallie. She and I are the strongest advocates for Breakfast Bars in our family.... and it's not unusual that when together, we tip the ingredients into a bowl and laugh our way through an entire batch in a few days.
I remembered when she and her husband Arthur first moved to Seattle, and the first time I got to visit them by myself. I must have been ten or eleven. She would make me coffee in her espresso maker, and we'd stay in our pajamas until eleven o'clock watching Soap Operas. I was there for a week, and when I came back I was addicted to caffeine and All My Children and my mother didn't know what to think. I remembered the time she took me to the Seattle Library, and we spent hours traversing all eleven floors and getting severely lost in a long, red hallway with an unusual amount of doors, and no people. We took a harbor tour one time, and I remember how she braided my hair for me, and let me wear her purple visor that I loved. A few years later, she gave me a picture that Arthur took that day of the two of us in a frame... I still have it in my room. Then, they moved to Issaquah, Washington, and I remember one night, when Arthur was on duty, she and I made breakfast bars, and sat up late drinking milk and eating them out of the pan. I remember playing cards with her at the kitchen table in the Issaquah apartment. She leaned all the way over the table to look at my cards, thinking I wouldn't notice. I still haven't let her live that one down... One time, at that apartment, we decided to make my dad a birthday cake, and I don't remember exactly what I did, but I almost ruined the cake completely. We ended up laughing hysterically and the cake was fine. And then there was the 17 week period that she moved back home, while Arthur attended Officer Candidate School in Connecticut. She tried to get me on a gym membership with her so we could do yoga and pilates classes together, but I was too young. One time, she came and crashed on my bed and we toyed with the idea of going to an Aerosmith, Lenny Kravitz concert... I wish we had gone. Then, they moved to Florida... and after, Florida, Texas... and after Texas, back to Florida, where they are now. I remembered going to visit her for two weeks when she was pregnant, while Arthur was gone on a mission to Puerto Rico and somebody had to ensure she didn't go crazy from pregnancy brain and kill the dog. (whether by forgetting to feed him, or intentionally murdering him, nobody ever specified. ;P )
I don't think the two of us have ever laughed as much as we did during those two weeks. We took so many midnight trips to Taco Bell, (so many that we almost named my neice Tostada in commemoration of how many Tostadas Hallie consumed during those nine months), and watched so many reruns of The Real Housewives of Orange County that those entire two weeks are a blur of sleep, tacos, and fake tans. The two of us spent that 4th of July watching all Charlie's Angels movies and eating fajitas. (This time, they were homemade).
I remember when my parents first told me she was pregnant. I had just gotten off a plane from Athens, Greece.
I remember the feeling of sadness I got when I realized that there would no longer be any moments only involving the two of us. I felt even sadder when I realized that our duo was soon to become a trio, and how I felt a little bit misplaced and scared, and how all those feelings melted away as soon as I held my neice for the very first time.
I remember when she spinal fractured her arm, and I felt so helpless because I was 700 miles away and couldn't do anything. I remember dancing on the kitchen floor, in every kitchen we've ever lived in, and crying while watching Father of the Bride because George Banks is the mirror reflection of our dad. I remember the time that I had to have my appendix taken out, and right before I was taken into the OR, she held my hand and made me laugh, even though I was crying, because she started talking about Finding Nemo. I remember emailing her when I first thought our mom had cancer... She had been having so many doctor appointments lately, and my parents both seemed secretive. Hallie felt miserable that she was so far away that day. I remember her wedding day. I wish I had been older, so that I would have made it a point to remember more, to cherish more about that special, special day. I was too busy running around with my little friends. I wish I had given a toast. There's so many things I wish I could have said... But I just wasn't old enough to have experienced them, yet.
I remember when her and Arthur first moved across country, they had to drive, and they stopped in Montana to visit our cousins.
I remember talking to her on the phone, and a shooting pain of jealousy stab my heart because she was distracted and there was so much laughter in the background, and I was home alone. I wasn't really alone, my parents have always been there, but I felt alone.
I remember when I was little, and even when I grew up, she always made it a point to uphold traditions with me. Painting Easter eggs, carving Halloween pumpkins, making Christmas Gingerbread cookies. If we're ever together, we still do those things even now.....

As I remembered all of these things, and teared up countless times, I realized that there is no bigger impact on a young girl's life than the influence of an older sister. Mothers grow you, Aunts inspire you, friends encourage you, but sisters form you, mold you. They shape your future and your past in ways much different than friends and mothers, and it's harder than all hell when they live 3,000 miles away from you.

So, in all reality, this post is just for my sister. Making Breakfast Bars always reminds me of you, Hallie, and all the amazing memories we have, and will continue to have until we grow old and fragile and contemptuous. I will be the mean, persnickety old lady who probably goes insane, and you will be the sweet grandmother who always has cookies and candies for her multitudes of grandchildren in a special jar on the shelf. But we will still be laughing, and crying, and dancing together. Although, the dancing could cause some serious hip injuries.
I love you, sister. Thank you for taking so much responsibility in making my childhood incredible, and much cherished.
I wish I could have said this all at your wedding, or on your 30th birthday which I missed, but there just wasn't enough room on the card. ;)