Some Things Look Better Just Passing Through

Viewer Discretion: This post has the potential of being horribly sad. It was to me, anyways.


There are a lot of songs, and a lot of words, and a lot of quotes uttered from the mouths of other poets and dreamers that can accurately portray the emotions behind my eyes.... But for some reason, I can't seem to get them out of my own mouth very well. Very rarely do I find myself speechless, or hardput for the right words to describe how I feel.

I've been doing a lot of reliving, the past couple of days. Reliving of the past, of days gone by, of beautiful moments buried within treasured memories......And I've learned that living in the past is a dangerous thing. Not only does it make you yearn for the happiest times that you can't recreate, no matter how hard you try- but it also makes you realize just how much you've changed since the days those memories were born in. And that is the most saddest part of all.

I repainted my room. It's the start of a new phase of life for me.... the last phase of life before I leave home. Each day passes like the hand of a clock, ticking away hour after hour, until the final countdown begins. I can already feel the goodbyes surfacing. I think they've been subtly settling their way into my life for a while now, I'm only just now realizing that I've been letting go all along. I've said goodbye to so many things this past week, I don't really know what to say to anything anymore, except for goodbye.
I've said goodbye to that spirited thirteen year-old, wearing fingerless gloves and sporting chipped, black nailpolish. The one with the dark eyeliner and the Green Day t-shirts.....
I've said goodbye to the infantile seven year-old. The one dancing in her room to The Beach Boys, pretending things only the beautiful mind of a child can imagine....
The angsty fourteen year-old, who only listened to bitter lovesongs and bottom-dwelled in a sea of English Breakfast tea and far-fetched dreams.....
The scared twelve year-old.... The one who obsessed over cancer and dying, and was afraid to fall asleep at night for fear of never waking up.
The ridiculous ten-year old, who was so determined to be respected and treated as someone twice her age.... and who's head was full of daydreams of Harry Potter and who anticipated greatly the arrival of shaved legs and make-up.
And the confused fifteen year old, I've said goodbye to her, too. She's the one who felt so stuck between childhood and adulthood- and who determined that the best way to walk through this world unharmed was to do it independantly, which was code for alone.
I've said goodbye to all of them.... Because I realized that I was holding on to them too tightly. I was holding on to that chipped black nail polish, that childlike innocence, that bitterness, and that fear with such an iron-clad grip, that I couldn't move forward. I was too scared to grow up, because growing up meant letting go, and letting go was something I was too afraid to do.
I didn't want to stop dancing around in my room to the Beach Boys. I didn't want to admit that I'd rather listen to John Mayer and Michael Buble than My Chemical Romance and Green Day. I didn't want to let go of the dreams involving London and music. I didn't want to change, because I didn't know who I would change into.
But if there's something that I've learned during the last week, and, really, the past six months, is this: change is the greatest gift God can give us. Because if things never changed, then following our tainted human nature, we would destroy everything, no matter how dear it was to us. If nothing changed we would be left to our own devices, and the world would diminish. Everything beautiful in life would be wiped out. Everything pure and lovely would be infected with smudges and grotesque handprints, torn apart and left in an unglamorous wreck, bleeding on the floor.
No matter how much we wish we could go back to the way things used to be, we can't. And even if we could, we wouldn't be satisfied because the knowledge that it has to change eventually would slowly drive us to the brink of unforgiving insanity.

I was holding on to all of these things in some ways, because I felt guilty for even considering letting them go. I was horrified that I felt called to give up these dreams, because it might mean letting people down.
I can't help it. It's sad to know that people who I always imagined next to me for the rest of my life will probably only remain in the outer shadows of my universe, but at the same time, it feels natural. Like I always knew this was coming, and now, the beginning of it has started. I don't know if it's the end of the beginning, or the beginning of the end.....I just know a change is taking place.

The other day, I was listening to a song by The Spice Girls, called "Goodbye". I couldn't figure out why it was standing out to me so clearly. Why it was pulling at my heart so strongly. So, I sat and I tried to figure out who was leaving me. The song was written for when Ginger Spice left the group to start her own solo career. I wanted to know who was leaving my world, who was I saying goodbye to?
.... I realized moments later that nobody was leaving me. Instead, I was Ginger Spice.
I'm the one who's saying goodbye to everyone. I'm the one who's leaving.
In this stage of my life, I'm finding out who I really am. What my real desires are, my real passions, my real dreams, my real character is being shaped and molded and defined.... and it's such a different character than I used to be, that it feels as though I'm saying goodbye to an old eternity, and starting a new, fresh life somewhere completely different.

I'm loosing relationships. I'm loosing feelings... I'm loosing memories. But it's okay. I'm gaining my world, and I'm finding out who's really going to be in my life forever. It's just change. That's all it is. If this wasn't happening, I'd tear it all to pieces anyways because I would get bored.

It's weird, watching situations in your life change. Suddenly, instead of being the one picking up the pieces and kissing the bruises, you're now the one watching behind the windowpane, waiting for the storm to pass. At first, it makes you feel a little empty inside, as though you're no longer needed. Then, you realize it's better this way. Your heart was beginning to grow jaded, anyways.


I'd like to end with a few quotes (and lyrics) that have really spoken to me the past few days, regarding this tender subject matter.

"Cold, cold heart- hard done by you. Some things look better, just passing through. And it's no sacrifice, just a simple word- its two hearts living in two seperate worlds. But it's no sacrifice, no sacrifice. It's no sacrifice, at all." -Sacrifice- Elton John

"What I was really hanging around for, I was trying to feel some kind of a good-by.... I don't care if it's a sad good-by or a bad good-by, but when I leave a place I like to know I'm leaving it. If you don't, you feel even worse." -J.D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye".

"I'm not sleeping at night, but I'm going from bar to bar. Why can't we just rewind? Why can't we just rewind? Why can't we just rewind?"- Rewind- Paolo Nutini

"Freedom? Oh, Freedom, well that's just some people talking. Your prison is walking through this world all alone." -Desperado- The Eagles

"Look for the rainbow in every storm, find out for certain love's gonna be there for you. You'll always be someone's baby."- Goodbye- The Spice Girls

"There are places I remember, all my life, though some have changed. Some forever, not for better, some have gone and some remain. "- In My Life- The Beatles


"I'm not calling for a second chance, I'm screaming at the top of my voice. Give me reason, but don't give me choice, 'cause I'll just make the same mistake again." -Same Mistake- James Blunt