Rabbit Trails

The hair has been pulled back into a bun.  The legs are crossed Indian style and the headphones are in.

A few tell-tale signs to those that know me well enough.

I should wear a sign for those that don't:  Caution: Writing. Prone To Fits Of Rage If Interrupted. Especially Fond Of Throwing Objects To Accentuate Fury.

Where to begin?

It's been almost a month since my last real update.  I'm currently sitting in a new coffee shop in town called Insomnia.  A Portland-based company with cheap, good coffee, a staff and atmosphere absolutely dripping with Downtown P-Town attitude, and music that makes you cry it's so good all of the time.

In short, being here makes me feel like I'm back in Portland.  And on rainy days when it's coming down soft and slow, I love to tuck up in here with a good book, my Bible or my laptop. I can look out any one of the huge windows at the rain falling on the street outside and imagine I'm looking out at a busy one-way street filled to the brim with clunky subarus and volvo wagons, blaring their Keep Portland Weird! bumper stickers.

I don't often think about where I used to live, because let's be honest, it's hard to want to be somewhere else when you live on the coast, but every now and then when I start to miss somewhere, I miss my fair home city most of all.

I don't miss my small, hometown community of Canby at all.  Nor do I miss the suburb my parents live in.  Don't get me wrong, home is wonderful and I miss my family of course, but I'm having a seriously hard time associating 1355 SE 16th Ave with home anymore. It feels like a house I lived in once.

I have a bedroom there, with more of my things, but the last time I visited home for the weekend I didn't even feel at home in my own room.  I felt like a guest.  My bookshelves felt pretty homey, but that's just because I have an unhealthy, weird relationship with my personal library.

I mean, I've been here in Cannon Beach for almost 7 months already.  I've gone to school here, I've worked two jobs in this community now for almost 2 months, I've attended a City Council meeting,  I've met the City Manager, I get a local discount at restaurants and coffee shops, I go to weekly Burger Night on Mondays at the VFW Legion Hall, I know my fellow community members by name, I go to the local farmers' market on my lunchbreaks. I live here, I go to church here, I breathe here, I sleep here, I shop here, I write here, I skate here, I tan here, I work here, I hang out with friends here, I eat here, I love here.  I don't want to leave here.

It's my home now.

I don't like to think about leaving Cannon Beach, because I can tell you right now when that time comes it'll be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

2012 has indeed been a year of freedom.  And with that freedom has come such a strong sense of ownership and pride in the place that I now live.  It's beautiful to feel like I belong to a place, and like a place belongs to me.  I think innocence and youth, amongst other such contributing factors, barred me from ever feeling like this about anywhere else I've lived in the past.

I have always loved where I've lived, I have always taken great joy in the places my family has found residence in, I have so many priceless memories from each location and house, I'm thankful for them all and how they've shaped me and I treasure them all deeply, but I've never been so involved in a municipal community before, and such involvement and active participation makes me feel truly alive to this town.  Like it's helping me to become who I am and giving me an opportunity to experience the essence of locality.

I can't think of any other way to describe what it means to me other than to say I love it.  I love it.

Not just in the way you love one paint swatch more than another, or the way you love one candy bar above all others, but I love it in a way that lives and breathes and moves and grows with each passing day.

I can't thank God enough for bringing me home this year and allowing me to blossom so fully under His grace and love in a place more precious than the finest gold in all of the world.

So on days like today, when I do start to miss my parents or that golden smell of Downtown Portland on a rainy afternoon, I think about where I've been blessed to live this year, and I smile.  I wish for everyone back home in Canby, and Oregon City, and Portland to know that I'm happy here- truly, madly, deeply happy, and to not be hurt that I have discovered a new home for myself or to wish too hastily upon my return.  I wouldn't be as happy there, and that would be ugly and unfair to everyone.

This is where God wants me right now, and I'm more than happy to serve Him here by the ocean.  Even if he requires me here the rest of my days.

I love you all deeply, and I want to thank you all for your prayers and avid support of my endeavors the past seven months.

Especially thank you to my mom and my dad.  I know for a fact sometimes it's hard on them to know how much I long to be here instead of there, even though they would never admit it. :) They are strong and beautiful and full of love to let me follow my desires and dreams and I can't thank them enough for this opportunity either, or for the trust they give to me so readily.

And even though I started this entry with no intention whatsoever to get emotional, I find myself here in the middle of this Portlandia coffee house, crying.

What a silly little mess I can be sometimes.

And a silly little mess is how I shall leave you, wishing you all the love and contentment and rainy-cafe-au-lait afternoons in the world.

Love,

Hannah