Wishes

"These days we go to waste like wine that's turned to turpentine.
It's 6 am and I'm all messed up.
I didn't mean to waste your time, so I'll fall back in line,
but I'm warning you, we're growing up."

I woke up this morning on the couch, weak October sunlight filtering in through the clouded windows.

My bedroom gives me nightmares these days.  It's sort of a terrible way to live.

I wake up every night, three or four times, riddled with the sensation that something's watching me.

Mostly I just try not to think about it.  I always am able to turn over and fall back asleep after a few half-conscious prayers.

Still, I couldn't even fall asleep last night I had such an overwhelming sense of apprehension.  So I tumbled out of my warm, comfy bed and headed downstairs to a 2 am rerun of Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  Needless to say, I'm a little groggy today.

I was so groggy I almost missed the mass service at which my 'nephew' (I.e, best friend's baby) was being baptised.  Now that would have looked just great on my Favorite Auntie record.

Fortunately, God was on my side and I made it with about three minutes to spare before the Priest himself came walking down the aisle.  Always the epitome of class, am I.  Did I mention I was meeting my party at the very front of the church?

I also got nudged by the altar boy come communion time.  I was standing there, in my pew, observing and letting my mind wander absently, when I felt this arm nudge my own. I looked up and there he was.  Staring at me. Pointing at me to get in line.  I tried, and failed miserably, to communicate with my eyes that I wasn't actually Catholic, and then he just kind of turned around and walked away.

So I sat down.

I learned after the service from my dear friend Benjamin that everyone regardless of denominational affiliation is supposed to get in line, and if you're not Catholic, you simply cross your arms over your chest and instead of giving you communion they just bless you and wave you aside.  Pertinent information, that.

The baptism really was beautiful, though.  I got all teary eyed and emotional.  I'm excited to see what God has in store for this little blessing, Keller Benjamin October Trust.  It made me remember just how much I love the idea of infant baptisms, and how thankful I am to have grown up in a community where this thread of theology was prevalent.

After the service was over, I walked out into the cold, grey air and decided a vanilla soy latte was crucial in order to survive the rest of today.

So I went to Singer, and I got my handmade drink.  I drove home to haunting melodies, warmed by the drink in my hand and moved by the colors of the river and the rocks and the trees.

And so here I sit, in a big empty house, listening to Brandi Carlile and wishing tonight could be spent making tapioca pudding and watching Say Anything.  I wish I could nap on and off all day and read one thousand pages.  I wish I could spend some quality time with Sylvia Plath and drink 12 cups of earl gray tea.

I wish I could make the hour long river drive to my sister's house, and hold my baby niece for hours.

I wish I could go with Raelyn to the recording studio tonight and lay down a track that we wrote a long time ago.

I wish I could  do all of these things.

Instead I'm headed back towards Portland to make more lattes and to stumble through the drive-through training at Starbucks until late.

Wish me some strength, lovers.

I am tired today.