Maybe

Do you ever just feel trapped?

Like you're stuck where you're sitting on the couch- immobile- incapable of change- unable to move. Unable to think about moving.

You can't go upstairs to read in your cozy bedroom with candles and soft music because you haven't been home all week because you worked 40 hours on part-time wages and your bedroom is an unpinned hand grenade waiting to explode.

You can't decide what movie to watch because watching movies is really just a waste of time and you feel like you should spend the free hours of your schedule doing something productive.

Coincidentally you're so tired lately that all you have the effort to do after work is watch a cartload of movies and struggle to stay awake through all of them.

Maybe you shouldn't even do something productive. Maybe you should just do something... Creative.

But maybe you're not really an artist. So maybe you should stop posing as one.

Maybe you should stop hating yourself and telling yourself you're not an artist when you really are.

Maybe you don't know how to go a single day without beating yourself up for one reason or another.

Maybe you should be better than that.

Maybe you just miss someone that you can't even talk to.

And maybe that just makes you feel a little bit.... Unfinished. Incomplete? Unfulfilled? Maybe you can't ever find the right words.

And maybe that just drives you crazy because it validates the fact that you're not actually a writer.

You're a big fat phony. And not just that. You're a big fat phony who doesn't know what she wants to do with her life.

You're a big fat phony who gives up every goal she ever commits to because she's scared.

You want to write, you want to cook, you want to write, you don't know what you want.. So you go to bible school. You leave that. You want to cook again. But then you realize that you really don't.

And now you don't know what to do.

And maybe you're just tired of figuring out a choice. Maybe you don't want to make a plan.

But maybe that's not an option.

Maybe you all are now incredibly thankful that you don't have my brain.

Maybe I don't blame you.

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I just need a little sleep.

Or 1000 years of sleep.

Or a vacation.

Or a stiff drink.

Happy New Year. Welcome to life.