If Grace is an Ocean, We're All Sinking

Lovers,

What are the lies in your life?

The lies that you tell yourself- to make yourself believe that you're unworthy?

Make a chart.  List the lies.  Combat those with the truth.

This was an assignment for me today- in preparation for community group this week, reflecting over the sermon topic given on Sunday.

Spiritual warfare is used mentally and emotionally to crowd out the resounding cheer of love and salvation and mercy given to us by our Heavily Father, daily.

And we are too preoccupied to hear because of the overwhelming amount of lies that we are drowning in moment-to-moment.

"This should be simple enough," I thought- I am fully aware that I lie to myself often, and I know exactly what those lies are. 

So I sat down and began writing.

LIES:

• I am unworthy of anyone's time.
  
• The people I care most about in my life don't care about me at all.
  
• I am unforgivable.
  
• I am forgettable.
  
• I am unwanted.
  
• I am ugly.  Inside and out.
  
• I am unlovable.
  
• I am incapable.
  
• I am fat.
  
• I am insufficient.
  
• I am insignificant.
  
• I am responsible for fixing the sins of my family.
  
• I will never, ever, ever measure up.
  
• I will never achieve anything in this life.
  
• I am alone.
  
• I am always going to be alone.
   
• I must try harder.
  
• I will never be able to try hard enough.

These are just a few of the lies that I carry around with me on a day-to-day basis.

I know that they're lies.  I recognize that they don't hold an ounce of truth.




And yet, as I stared at the second column, under the heading "TRUTH", I realized I had nothing to write.

The truth.



What is the truth?

Sure- I know what the truth is.  I know the truth is that God already has forgiven me for every sin I've committed-past, present and future- and I know that I am created in His image, therefore I am beautiful and His Holy Spirit indwells me and therefore, I am of His royal bloodline, His royal priesthood, and should count myself as His holy daughter as well.

I am set apart.  I am chosen.  I am elect.  I am loved.


I am forgiven, and I am sought after, and I am redeemed, and His grace is sufficient for me.



Even after all of that, I still stare at that blank column on my yellow sheet of notebook paper and I feel a lump form in my throat.

There's a huge difference between knowing the truth and understanding the truth, lovers.



An even bigger difference lies between those two things and believing the truth.

So where am I today, lovers?

I am much further behind than I ever comprehended.

My whole life has been a battle.  I have been caught in spiritual warfare for the entire course of my humanity and I've only just begun to realize how many times I have let the enemy enter in.  I've only just understood how many battles I've let him win- how many battles I have surrendered to him before they even began.

The first lie on my list of devilish persuasions is this:  "I am unworthy."

I know what my first truth shall be.

Directly across the page from the lie, I write in small, quivering letters:

"I still feel unworthy, even though I know I am not."

This might not be a blazing, thundering, trumpet-shout of confident truth, lovers.

Maybe I have misunderstood the assignment.

But this statement is my truth today.

I am transitioning from "being" to "feeling," and while that may not seem like a large victory to you, (or even to me), I know that it's still a victory regardless.

I have to learn to receive the love and the grace that He gives with an open heart.  I have to learn to forgive myself as He has forgiven me- I still have to learn these things, even though I already know the answers.

I have to learn the "how" in order to live my way into the truth.

And that all looks really humbling, and I feel like I have been brought to my knees today.

But that's okay, because even though I'm bad at accepting His love- He will never stop loving me unconditionally.

And that is all the comfort I could possibly need at this moment.

"He is jealous for me
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of the sudden, I am aware
Of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us so.
Oh, how He loves us.
How He loves us, so.

So we are His portion,
And He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

Heaven meets earth likes a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That He loves us
Oh, how He loves us.
Oh, how He loves us.
Oh, how He loves."