As I predicted yesterday, my day today has been much happier. :)
Yesterday got progressively better as the day wore on as well... and it ended in me getting offered a job! Yay! We'll wait and see whether or not it works out. I'm expecting a phone call in a few days or so.
Today, I stopped by the library to pick up a few books that I had placed on hold.
I discovered something of great beauty on BarnesandNoble.com a few days ago. It's a 199 volume collection of classic novels, short stories, poems and other prose by history's greatest writers for the discounted price of $980.00
Now, to a fanatic reader like myself, this is mouthwatering. However, I simply do not have the funds to spend one thousand dollars on 199 books. So what I decided to do, and very brilliantly I thought, I decided to go through the list of all 199 volumes and read the ones that I've never read before. Why not?
So, after logging on to my local library's website, I got to clicking. What I didn't keep track of, however, was how many books I was placing on hold at one time. I figured this out the hard way today as it has been my second trip into the library this week to pick up new books....
Anyways, the first trip in earlier this week I picked up two books. Well, one novel, and one tome. I mean really, how could someone write for 900 pages? Anna Karenina hasn't disappointed me yet, though. I hope the next 800 pages entertain me as much as the first 100 have, but I digress. So upon receiving another phonecall, I head to the library today to pick up what i'm expecting to be one or two more books in addition to the two I already have.
What do I see when I get there? Not two more books, no, but instead six pink paper slips with my name printed on them in typewriter font are staring at me, rubber-banded to six books sitting on the shelf, waiting to be picked up by someone, someone like me. Six.
Six new books from the library. Six plus two equals eight.
Eight books to read in three weeks. And, sadly, I have a very strong feeling that I'll be receiving another phonecall in a few days to alert me to the presence of several more books waiting for me on hold at my dear local library.... for I know that I've got a few more titles 'on hold'.
I've decided to take things a bit easier now..... and to keep better track of how many titles I'm adding to my queue. ;-)
On the other hand, I am very excited about the titles currently in my possession.
Here's my list so far:
Anna Karenina- Leo Tolstoy
To Kill a Mockingbird- Harper Lee
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and Other Jazz Age Stories- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Age of Innocence- Edith Wharton
Les Miserables- Victor Hugo
The Beatiful and Damned- F. Scott Fitzgerald
Jane Eyre- Charlotte Bronte
Dead Souls- Nikolai Gogol
in addition to my regular stack which includes Mere Christianity, Collected Short Stories and Poems of Edgar Allen Poe, My Life in France and Blame It On the Brain.
It would appear to some that I have bitten off more than I can chew. It would appear that way to me, too. Nevertheless, I shall persevere. I will win this battle! Onward!
I finished Catcher in the Rye last week. I plan to buy my own copy as soon as humanly possible. It was a fantastic book- one that I will definitely read again. I wrote down quote after quote in my notebook, as I could not bring myself to deface public property by underlining in the library copy, and have looked over the quotes several times and found myself laughing.
Holden Caulfield is such a timeless character. I loved his horrid cynicism and deprecating sarcasm as much as the next person does, but what I also love about him is the depth of his character... His fears and his desires all sort of melt into one giant mix of loneliness and irony that brings you, surprisingly, to identify with him. The book also gives the support to the statement, "Depressed people see the world in a clearer light", by causing you to realize that in Holden's depression, he does have a profound sense of clarity about him. J.D. Salinger did an amazing job with Holden. The entire book is just Holden telling you a story about how he left school early on Christmas Break and hid out in New York for a few days before going home. There wasn't even that much of a plot, really... It wasn't about the story, it was about letting us into Holden's mind and heart.He was such an oddball sort of character, I couldn't help but think that if a movie version had been made, it should have been made in the 80s, and Anthony Michael Hall should have played Holden. He really reminded me of AMH's character in Sixteen Candles, "The Geek".
Not to mention there were some amazing literary treasures in its pages, as well.
"I'm the most terrific liar you ever saw in your life. It's awful." Is possibly one of the greatest starts to a chapter ever. And another of my favorite phrases that just sends shivers up and down my spine, "All I need's an audience. I'm an exhibitionist."
I'm really hoping that all of these new books I'm reading will have a similar effect on me and earn themselves a special place in my heart. One of the greatest accomplishments I can think of is to be well-read, and its people who possess a vast knowledge of literary history that I admire the most. I hope to be one of those people someday, myself.
And then, once I know more about them, I will be willing to spend one thousand dollars on a 199 volume set of books.
.....Or if I get a bunch of money for graduation and save up the rest.
You know, that'd work too. :)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Afraid Today
I'm afraid today, and I don't know what I'm afraid of.
... they make it sound so glamorous in the movies, but its not. It's really not.
I go through these fits every so often. Some days I just wake up and I'm terrified.
I'm stressed, I'm tired and I'm frustrated.
They say that those feelings stem from either pain or fear.
I'm not in any great pain right now, physical or emotional.
I'm just afraid, that's all.
I can identify what I'm feeling. I can be aware of my emotions.
I know how to handle these feelings because I have correctly identified them.
But I don't know why they're here.
And that shoots all that other stuff straight to hell.
They say that depressed people see the world in a clearer light.
People who are depressed see truth...I think I can safely agree with that.
I'm not seeing much of anything right now, though.
There's nothing but a whole lot of "What if's?" floating around in my brain, scaring me half to death. I guess that's because I'm not depressed.
I'm sad, and I'm scared, but I'm not depressed.
Like I said, these days come and go. I doubt I have them anymore than anyone else does.
I'm used to these fits. But they make it awfully hard to deal with reality when you've succumbed to their numbness. I know tomorrow will be completely different.
I might even be better by this afternoon, but for right now, it's hard to concentrate on anything else but this fear.
"I need something else/
would someone please just give me/
hit me, knock me out/
so I can go back to sleep/
I can laugh all I want/
inside I still am empty/
so deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me...I.../
I'll be just fine/
pretending I'm not/
I'm far from lonely/
and it's all that I've got."
All That I've Got- The Used
... they make it sound so glamorous in the movies, but its not. It's really not.
I go through these fits every so often. Some days I just wake up and I'm terrified.
I'm stressed, I'm tired and I'm frustrated.
They say that those feelings stem from either pain or fear.
I'm not in any great pain right now, physical or emotional.
I'm just afraid, that's all.
I can identify what I'm feeling. I can be aware of my emotions.
I know how to handle these feelings because I have correctly identified them.
But I don't know why they're here.
And that shoots all that other stuff straight to hell.
They say that depressed people see the world in a clearer light.
People who are depressed see truth...I think I can safely agree with that.
I'm not seeing much of anything right now, though.
There's nothing but a whole lot of "What if's?" floating around in my brain, scaring me half to death. I guess that's because I'm not depressed.
I'm sad, and I'm scared, but I'm not depressed.
Like I said, these days come and go. I doubt I have them anymore than anyone else does.
I'm used to these fits. But they make it awfully hard to deal with reality when you've succumbed to their numbness. I know tomorrow will be completely different.
I might even be better by this afternoon, but for right now, it's hard to concentrate on anything else but this fear.
"I need something else/
would someone please just give me/
hit me, knock me out/
so I can go back to sleep/
I can laugh all I want/
inside I still am empty/
so deep that it didn't even bleed and catch me...I.../
I'll be just fine/
pretending I'm not/
I'm far from lonely/
and it's all that I've got."
All That I've Got- The Used
Saturday, April 17, 2010
"The Best Part of Believe is the 'Lie'....."
A friend asked me this past week, "Do you believe in love?"
I sat for a moment staring down at the words on the notebook paper we had set inbetween us, allthewhile ignoring the film playing at the front of our history class, and for a good long minute I couldn't think of what to say.
I wanted to say yes, and I did say yes, but my first instinct (an instinct that was very hard to ignore) was to say no.
I'm not sure why I wanted to say no.
I do believe in love... I've seen it.
I've seen it in friends, in family, in my parents.
I'm not one of those kids who doesn't believe in love because they've never seen a relationship work out in their life, and who's biggest nightmare is to become just like their parents. This isn't The Breakfast Club, here.
I'm not an extremely fake glam girl like Molly Ringwald and I'm not a compulsive lying basketcase like Ally Sheedy.
(for the record, I'm also not a stereoid-popping airhead like Emilio Estevez... Or a flunking anarchist wannabe like Judd Nelson, or a member of the chess club, physics club OR the latin club like Anthony Michael Hall. But... we won't go into that).
The point is: I have seen love all around me, and I'm not a skeptic of it. But I still can't get the reason why I wanted to say no out of my head.
Maybe my first instinct to say no stems from some sort of deep-seated psychological fear of commitment, or my inability to trust easily. Maybe I don't believe in love for myself.
Let's be honest: I don't like new people. I don't trust anyone. I get bored with people. I do have small inhibitions on commitment and I've often envisioned myself living the rest of my life completely alone, and I've been far too content with that.... who would want to be with someone that completely irrational?
I see my friends falling in love and its beautiful, and sometimes I think how nice it would be to be like them, and in moments of weak girlishness, "I WANT A BOYFRIEEEEND!" comes wailing out in self-sympathizing agony. But then I stop. I rethink what I just said. And then I take it all back.
Love, to me, doesn't mean being with someone, necessarily. Love is something much more..... tangeable. I feel extreme love when baking bread. I feel loved when I cuddle with a friend's dog. I feel love, and oddly enough loved, when I watch Audrey Hepburn movies.... When I go for walks. When I'm in the city at night, and there are lights in the trees... When I listen to Celine Dion cds.
When I play my guitar, I feel like no man could ever love me more than Kensington. (Yes, I have named him). When I'm reading, when I'm writing, cooking, talking.... when I listen to music.
I feel loved when I'm with my families, and my friends.
And its enough for me... I think it could always be enough for me.
I don't know if I could be locked with one person for the rest of my life. I don't know if I could LIVE with someone for the rest of my life. I get bored so easily. People that I love begin to annoy me. I'm irrational and most of the time I like to be alone.
Maybe that will change. Maybe it won't.
The one thing that really does make me sad about living alone for the rest of my life is that I would really like to be a mom someday.... but I could always adopt. God knows there's thousands of children out there who need homes. It would just be sad that they wouldn't have a dominant male figure in their life.....but then, that's what my dearest guy friends are for. And the men in my family.
So I guess... there's really no huge downside to being single forever.
Except I've always wanted a wedding.
.... I could just throw a really big party sometime... and people could just send me gifts because they love me. :D
If I ever do find someone, they'll have to be just as independant as I am...
otherwise they might starve to death because I could, potentially, forget to feed them.
(I might have to make them sign something that basically sums up me saying, "no promises...keep your fingers crossed!")
Maybe I'm just a little bit afraid of love.
A little bit afraid of telling one person absolutely everything- and never keeping secrets from them.
A little bit afraid of always being accountable to someone.
A little bit afraid of knowing I hold the power to hurt someone so deeply if I say the wrong thing.
A little bit afraid of never. going. back.
A little bit afraid of knowing that somebody else owns my heart, and a little bit afraid of trusting them not to break it.
Not to mention a little bit afraid of growing old with someone, and then suddenly, they die.... and you don't know how to live without them anymore.
That....terrifies me.
Okay then. I have a slightly irrational fear of commitment and love. That is why I wanted to say no.
.......................You know, it was just decided that if I were a Spice Girl, I'd be Geri Halliwell, I.e. Ginger Spice...... Maybe that explains why I am the way I am better than anything I've tried.
..Not to mention my sanity could seriously be questioned by the fact that I am watching R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet. (which would explain the possible deep-seated psychological issues).
More than anything, I think I just really need to go to bed.
More thoughts on this later.
I sat for a moment staring down at the words on the notebook paper we had set inbetween us, allthewhile ignoring the film playing at the front of our history class, and for a good long minute I couldn't think of what to say.
I wanted to say yes, and I did say yes, but my first instinct (an instinct that was very hard to ignore) was to say no.
I'm not sure why I wanted to say no.
I do believe in love... I've seen it.
I've seen it in friends, in family, in my parents.
I'm not one of those kids who doesn't believe in love because they've never seen a relationship work out in their life, and who's biggest nightmare is to become just like their parents. This isn't The Breakfast Club, here.
I'm not an extremely fake glam girl like Molly Ringwald and I'm not a compulsive lying basketcase like Ally Sheedy.
(for the record, I'm also not a stereoid-popping airhead like Emilio Estevez... Or a flunking anarchist wannabe like Judd Nelson, or a member of the chess club, physics club OR the latin club like Anthony Michael Hall. But... we won't go into that).
The point is: I have seen love all around me, and I'm not a skeptic of it. But I still can't get the reason why I wanted to say no out of my head.
Maybe my first instinct to say no stems from some sort of deep-seated psychological fear of commitment, or my inability to trust easily. Maybe I don't believe in love for myself.
Let's be honest: I don't like new people. I don't trust anyone. I get bored with people. I do have small inhibitions on commitment and I've often envisioned myself living the rest of my life completely alone, and I've been far too content with that.... who would want to be with someone that completely irrational?
I see my friends falling in love and its beautiful, and sometimes I think how nice it would be to be like them, and in moments of weak girlishness, "I WANT A BOYFRIEEEEND!" comes wailing out in self-sympathizing agony. But then I stop. I rethink what I just said. And then I take it all back.
Love, to me, doesn't mean being with someone, necessarily. Love is something much more..... tangeable. I feel extreme love when baking bread. I feel loved when I cuddle with a friend's dog. I feel love, and oddly enough loved, when I watch Audrey Hepburn movies.... When I go for walks. When I'm in the city at night, and there are lights in the trees... When I listen to Celine Dion cds.
When I play my guitar, I feel like no man could ever love me more than Kensington. (Yes, I have named him). When I'm reading, when I'm writing, cooking, talking.... when I listen to music.
I feel loved when I'm with my families, and my friends.
And its enough for me... I think it could always be enough for me.
I don't know if I could be locked with one person for the rest of my life. I don't know if I could LIVE with someone for the rest of my life. I get bored so easily. People that I love begin to annoy me. I'm irrational and most of the time I like to be alone.
Maybe that will change. Maybe it won't.
The one thing that really does make me sad about living alone for the rest of my life is that I would really like to be a mom someday.... but I could always adopt. God knows there's thousands of children out there who need homes. It would just be sad that they wouldn't have a dominant male figure in their life.....but then, that's what my dearest guy friends are for. And the men in my family.
So I guess... there's really no huge downside to being single forever.
Except I've always wanted a wedding.
.... I could just throw a really big party sometime... and people could just send me gifts because they love me. :D
If I ever do find someone, they'll have to be just as independant as I am...
otherwise they might starve to death because I could, potentially, forget to feed them.
(I might have to make them sign something that basically sums up me saying, "no promises...keep your fingers crossed!")
Maybe I'm just a little bit afraid of love.
A little bit afraid of telling one person absolutely everything- and never keeping secrets from them.
A little bit afraid of always being accountable to someone.
A little bit afraid of knowing I hold the power to hurt someone so deeply if I say the wrong thing.
A little bit afraid of never. going. back.
A little bit afraid of knowing that somebody else owns my heart, and a little bit afraid of trusting them not to break it.
Not to mention a little bit afraid of growing old with someone, and then suddenly, they die.... and you don't know how to live without them anymore.
That....terrifies me.
Okay then. I have a slightly irrational fear of commitment and love. That is why I wanted to say no.
.......................You know, it was just decided that if I were a Spice Girl, I'd be Geri Halliwell, I.e. Ginger Spice...... Maybe that explains why I am the way I am better than anything I've tried.
..Not to mention my sanity could seriously be questioned by the fact that I am watching R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet. (which would explain the possible deep-seated psychological issues).
More than anything, I think I just really need to go to bed.
More thoughts on this later.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Ice Cream
Hello, its been a while.
I'm sitting here indulging myself with a delicious bowl of Oreo-flavored ice cream.
Ice cream is inexplicably wonderful. Its one of the most lovable occurances within the entire human race... reliable, understanding, sympathetic, and just so familiar.
I'm thinking of that Sarah McLachlan song, you know the one, off the Fumbling Towards Ecstasy album.
"your love is better than ice cream, better than anything else that I've tried..."
That's a pretty amazing love, isn't it?
I wonder what about that love could be more amazing than ice cream.
Obviously (lets hope), the love would last longer than a bowl of ice cream. As wonderful as it is, a dish of ice cream can disappear rather quickly. I like to think she means that being loved by him is more familiar than a dish of ice cream.
You can't go wrong with ice cream, can you? You always know what you're going to get.
If you order a cone with a scoop of bubblegum flavored ice cream, you can count on the fact that that ice cream will taste like bubblegum.
The same with coffee, rocky road, chocolate, etc.
That's what is so beautiful about ice cream. Its familiar. Its something tried and true that you know you can depend on.... and its that kind of love that is the most powerful, I think.
Coupled with the fact that ice cream just makes you feel plain good, I'm guessing that a love better than, but similar to, ice cream would be pretty awesome.
But then again, what would I know about the subject? :-)
Amongst other things-
I've finished a few more books since my last post:
*The Bell Jar- Sylvia Plath
-I loved this book, its one of my new favorites. Talk about a brilliantly written piece of literature! The author has an incredible ability not only to describe what the character is feeling, but to make the reader feel it as well. I found my chest actually growing heavy with emotion the farther I delved into its pages.
*Passion and Purity- Elisabeth Elliot
-I underlined so many lines in this book. I fell completely in love with Elisabeth's determination and strength. She's my new hero. :)
*Julie and Julia- Julie Powell
- I did not enjoy this book as much as I hoped I would. The movie was better, for once. Still, there was something about it that made the book rather hard to put down. I read it in one week, flat. I really liked Julie's style of writing, but I couldn't stand her as the author. It was her story, and she was writing it, and I liked the way it was written, but she herself was incredibly annoying to me. Odd combination. Still, I don't think I'll ever read it again.
*Macbeth- William Shakespeare *not that this is a book, I know very well its a play, but my Folger edition is big enough to be a book and I finished reading it...therefore it counts.*
-It's Macbeth. Its brilliant. I've read it before and I will continue to reread it for the rest of my life. The poetry is beautiful in that play.
and I've added a few more to my stack:
The Wedding- Nicholas Sparks
St. Augustine's Confessions- St. Augustine... the Oxford edition. ;)
and I've placed The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger on hold at the library. I'm hoping it'll come in soon!
My cousins were in town this past week, for Easter. I'm sad they're gone, nothing ever feels quite the same the day they leave. One of my cousins made a very short playlist on my ipod while she was here so she could listen to her new favorite songs whenever she was in the shower, without having to take the time to search for them.
I found it today, and was inspired by three of the four songs to create a new playlist from those three songs.
As a result, I've made this new playlist, and titled it "KK", which was my cousin's nickname when she was much, much younger. I'm not sure if its finished yet, but here's what I have so far.
Hey, Soul Sister- Train
I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie
Who Says?- John Mayer
Right as Rain-Adele
Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)- Vertical Horizon
Our Song- Taylor Swift
Don't Dream Its Over- Sixpence None the Richer
Day Too Soon- Sia
The First Cut is the Deepest- Sheryl Crow
You Mean Everything to Me- Shawn Mullins
She Spreads Her Wings- Semisonic
Ice Cream- Sarah McLachlan
Across the Universe- Rufus Wainwright *from the I Am Sam soundtrack*
Without You- Rosario Dawson and Adam Pascal *from the RENT motion picture soundtrack*
All The King's Horses- Robert Plant and the Strange Sensation
Never Think- Rob Pattinson *From the Twilight soundtrack*
Back on the Chain Gang- The Pretenders
I Have Seen the Rain- Pink feat.James T. Moore
When All is Said and Done- Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep *from the Mamma Mia! motion picture soundtrack*
Clean- Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson
Under Control- Parachute
These Streets- Paolo Nutini
the songs blend really nicely together.
I love making playlists.
Someday, I'm going to put every playlist I've made onto discs, and put them all in my car.
And as long as I'm driving, I won't ever need to use my iPod.
There's something so beautiful and simple about a mixed cd. It's a little bit of magic. :)
I'm sitting here indulging myself with a delicious bowl of Oreo-flavored ice cream.
Ice cream is inexplicably wonderful. Its one of the most lovable occurances within the entire human race... reliable, understanding, sympathetic, and just so familiar.
I'm thinking of that Sarah McLachlan song, you know the one, off the Fumbling Towards Ecstasy album.
"your love is better than ice cream, better than anything else that I've tried..."
That's a pretty amazing love, isn't it?
I wonder what about that love could be more amazing than ice cream.
Obviously (lets hope), the love would last longer than a bowl of ice cream. As wonderful as it is, a dish of ice cream can disappear rather quickly. I like to think she means that being loved by him is more familiar than a dish of ice cream.
You can't go wrong with ice cream, can you? You always know what you're going to get.
If you order a cone with a scoop of bubblegum flavored ice cream, you can count on the fact that that ice cream will taste like bubblegum.
The same with coffee, rocky road, chocolate, etc.
That's what is so beautiful about ice cream. Its familiar. Its something tried and true that you know you can depend on.... and its that kind of love that is the most powerful, I think.
Coupled with the fact that ice cream just makes you feel plain good, I'm guessing that a love better than, but similar to, ice cream would be pretty awesome.
But then again, what would I know about the subject? :-)
Amongst other things-
I've finished a few more books since my last post:
*The Bell Jar- Sylvia Plath
-I loved this book, its one of my new favorites. Talk about a brilliantly written piece of literature! The author has an incredible ability not only to describe what the character is feeling, but to make the reader feel it as well. I found my chest actually growing heavy with emotion the farther I delved into its pages.
*Passion and Purity- Elisabeth Elliot
-I underlined so many lines in this book. I fell completely in love with Elisabeth's determination and strength. She's my new hero. :)
*Julie and Julia- Julie Powell
- I did not enjoy this book as much as I hoped I would. The movie was better, for once. Still, there was something about it that made the book rather hard to put down. I read it in one week, flat. I really liked Julie's style of writing, but I couldn't stand her as the author. It was her story, and she was writing it, and I liked the way it was written, but she herself was incredibly annoying to me. Odd combination. Still, I don't think I'll ever read it again.
*Macbeth- William Shakespeare *not that this is a book, I know very well its a play, but my Folger edition is big enough to be a book and I finished reading it...therefore it counts.*
-It's Macbeth. Its brilliant. I've read it before and I will continue to reread it for the rest of my life. The poetry is beautiful in that play.
and I've added a few more to my stack:
The Wedding- Nicholas Sparks
St. Augustine's Confessions- St. Augustine... the Oxford edition. ;)
and I've placed The Catcher in the Rye by J.D. Salinger on hold at the library. I'm hoping it'll come in soon!
My cousins were in town this past week, for Easter. I'm sad they're gone, nothing ever feels quite the same the day they leave. One of my cousins made a very short playlist on my ipod while she was here so she could listen to her new favorite songs whenever she was in the shower, without having to take the time to search for them.
I found it today, and was inspired by three of the four songs to create a new playlist from those three songs.
As a result, I've made this new playlist, and titled it "KK", which was my cousin's nickname when she was much, much younger. I'm not sure if its finished yet, but here's what I have so far.
Hey, Soul Sister- Train
I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie
Who Says?- John Mayer
Right as Rain-Adele
Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)- Vertical Horizon
Our Song- Taylor Swift
Don't Dream Its Over- Sixpence None the Richer
Day Too Soon- Sia
The First Cut is the Deepest- Sheryl Crow
You Mean Everything to Me- Shawn Mullins
She Spreads Her Wings- Semisonic
Ice Cream- Sarah McLachlan
Across the Universe- Rufus Wainwright *from the I Am Sam soundtrack*
Without You- Rosario Dawson and Adam Pascal *from the RENT motion picture soundtrack*
All The King's Horses- Robert Plant and the Strange Sensation
Never Think- Rob Pattinson *From the Twilight soundtrack*
Back on the Chain Gang- The Pretenders
I Have Seen the Rain- Pink feat.James T. Moore
When All is Said and Done- Pierce Brosnan and Meryl Streep *from the Mamma Mia! motion picture soundtrack*
Clean- Pete Yorn and Scarlett Johansson
Under Control- Parachute
These Streets- Paolo Nutini
the songs blend really nicely together.
I love making playlists.
Someday, I'm going to put every playlist I've made onto discs, and put them all in my car.
And as long as I'm driving, I won't ever need to use my iPod.
There's something so beautiful and simple about a mixed cd. It's a little bit of magic. :)
Friday, March 12, 2010
Look No Further
I've found in my life that there are some things which never cease to make me happy.
I don't think there's anything that can make me feel quite the same as when I'm sitting with my laptop on my lap, a cup of hot tea in my hand, facing a large set of windows that look out on a grey, rainy day with soft and mellow music in the background.
Its at times like these, when I think that I am far too content with being alone.
I have no qualms about being by myself, especially in moments like these. I can hear myself think when I'm alone. I can spend time thinking about life and all of its intricacies.
There are a few things, however, which would complete the picture and take my momentary happiness to a level of quiet euphoria that I can't even comprehend.
A good book, in addition to this already beautiful setting, would be most pleasing.
A delicious slice of New York Cheesecake with strawberries and whipped cream for undivided indulgence could potentially send me over the edge; a large, shaggy, happy, golden retreiver asleep at my feet for some companionship, and the sounds of life which accompany those rare, hidden spots of commerce that only appear when you're not looking for them: hole-in-the-wall bookshops, lined with shelves of dusty novels and treasures of the like, quaint and lifelike coffee houses that roast their own beans, and small, boutique cafes with well-travelled and ancient customers, holding thousands of incredible stories waiting to be told.
Mmmm.....
I have a new favorite song.
The lyrics are what I love the most about it.
I might have been a singer
who sailed around the world
A gambler who made millions
and spent it all on girls
I might have been a poet
who walked upon the moon
A scientist who would tell the world
I discovered something new
I might have loved a King
and been the one to end a war
a criminal who drinks champagne
and never could be caught
But among your books
among your clothes
among the noise and fuss
I've let it go
I can't stop and catch my breath
and look no further for happiness
and I will not turn again
'cause my heart has found its home
Everyone I'll never meet
and the friends I won't now make
The adventures that they could have been
and the risks I'll never take
But among your books
among your clothes
among your noise and fuss
I've let it go
I can't stop and catch my breath
and look no further for happiness
and I will not turn again
'cause my heart has found its home
Look No Further- Dido
I love the lyrics.
It's a quiet sort of reminder to find contentment.
I overcame my writer's block, finally.
I was able to write for almost three hours yesterday.... I'm really excited about this story.
I can't wait to see where it takes me. :)
Well, its time for me to log off.
I've been on this computer for a few hours now, and its time to make another cup of tea, get out the stack of books I'm reading, and have a little party.
Before I go, I'll post the list of the books I'm reading through right now, just in case you're interested. ^.^
Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
My Life in France by Julia Child
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
The Tell Tale Heart and Other Works by Edgar Allen Poe
Macbeth by, well, you know, Shakespeare
and not to mention my Bible.
Whew, that's quite a stack..... I'm quite proud of my little stack of literature.
It's like every new book I read, I'm raking in more literary knowledge...it's a sort of high.
I feel like I'm a pathological gambler, only I'm reading instead of playing cards.
Anyways, another lengthy, rambly blog update for you. Enjoy. :)
I don't think there's anything that can make me feel quite the same as when I'm sitting with my laptop on my lap, a cup of hot tea in my hand, facing a large set of windows that look out on a grey, rainy day with soft and mellow music in the background.
Its at times like these, when I think that I am far too content with being alone.
I have no qualms about being by myself, especially in moments like these. I can hear myself think when I'm alone. I can spend time thinking about life and all of its intricacies.
There are a few things, however, which would complete the picture and take my momentary happiness to a level of quiet euphoria that I can't even comprehend.
A good book, in addition to this already beautiful setting, would be most pleasing.
A delicious slice of New York Cheesecake with strawberries and whipped cream for undivided indulgence could potentially send me over the edge; a large, shaggy, happy, golden retreiver asleep at my feet for some companionship, and the sounds of life which accompany those rare, hidden spots of commerce that only appear when you're not looking for them: hole-in-the-wall bookshops, lined with shelves of dusty novels and treasures of the like, quaint and lifelike coffee houses that roast their own beans, and small, boutique cafes with well-travelled and ancient customers, holding thousands of incredible stories waiting to be told.
Mmmm.....
I have a new favorite song.
The lyrics are what I love the most about it.
I might have been a singer
who sailed around the world
A gambler who made millions
and spent it all on girls
I might have been a poet
who walked upon the moon
A scientist who would tell the world
I discovered something new
I might have loved a King
and been the one to end a war
a criminal who drinks champagne
and never could be caught
But among your books
among your clothes
among the noise and fuss
I've let it go
I can't stop and catch my breath
and look no further for happiness
and I will not turn again
'cause my heart has found its home
Everyone I'll never meet
and the friends I won't now make
The adventures that they could have been
and the risks I'll never take
But among your books
among your clothes
among your noise and fuss
I've let it go
I can't stop and catch my breath
and look no further for happiness
and I will not turn again
'cause my heart has found its home
Look No Further- Dido
I love the lyrics.
It's a quiet sort of reminder to find contentment.
I overcame my writer's block, finally.
I was able to write for almost three hours yesterday.... I'm really excited about this story.
I can't wait to see where it takes me. :)
Well, its time for me to log off.
I've been on this computer for a few hours now, and its time to make another cup of tea, get out the stack of books I'm reading, and have a little party.
Before I go, I'll post the list of the books I'm reading through right now, just in case you're interested. ^.^
Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot
The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath
My Life in France by Julia Child
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
The Tell Tale Heart and Other Works by Edgar Allen Poe
Macbeth by, well, you know, Shakespeare
and not to mention my Bible.
Whew, that's quite a stack..... I'm quite proud of my little stack of literature.
It's like every new book I read, I'm raking in more literary knowledge...it's a sort of high.
I feel like I'm a pathological gambler, only I'm reading instead of playing cards.
Anyways, another lengthy, rambly blog update for you. Enjoy. :)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
New Lyrics
I've written a few new songs recently...
Haven't felt well enough (I've been sick this week) to sit down and put them to music, but here are the lyrics.
Falling
As I stand/
with my feet in the sand/
the wind is killing the silence/
I think of the day/
I first heard you say/
all we are is empty and senseless/
but I think that we
fall in and out of love
every day/
as I watch you walk away-
I feel my heart flooded by a wave/
of overwhelming fear
I have waited/
argued and debated/
to find the cure for growing up/
nothing will fix/
that which we miss/
all we know is falling down/
but I think that we
fall in and out of love
every day/
we just ride the surftide/
until the perfect wave
comes crashing down/
and as I watch you walk away
I realize I've found my perfect wave/
and I'm ready to fall into the ocean/
So don't walk away/
don't turn me down-
don't walk away
cuz I need you now/
I'm ready to fall into the ocean-
to fall in and out of love everyday-
ready to fall into the ocean/
I'll fall into the ocean-
I'm falling into you.........
Song#2 (currently untitled)
I've got a bruse from where they stuck the needle in/
the blood flows from the walls to save my life again/
how much more can they ask from this life of pain/
this misery taunts me with how alone I am/
and the chip on my shoulder is only the tip/
of what's left of my lonely, broken heart/
*chorus*
the corners of my mind are drawing a blank/
and its your memory which makes me stay/
but I can't live like this-
you won't remember this/
so put on your mask
and wash your hands/
put on your mask
and wash your hands/
lying on the table, the procedure's begun/
leaving behind a life of empty, load your gun/
I don't understand, aren't we all meant for someone?/
I wanna know when its my turn to fall in love/
and in a sea of people calling out to me-
I only wanna hear you whisper my name/
*
the corners of my mind are drawing a blank/
and its your memory which makes me stay/
but I can't live like this/
and you won't remember this/
so put on your mask
and wash your hands/
put on your mask
and wash your hands/
there's a cross to bear and a promise to swear-
as the monitor stops and the IVs tear-
there's a cross to bear and a promise to swear-
and I bet you wouldn't even care to share-
how you gave us a scare?-
how you gave us a scare-
ssh, honey, don't you dare-
you gave us a scare-
so don't you dare try and tell me
this wasn't fair..............
Marty and Mira (this song actually does have music :)
Marty and Mira/
speak French to each other/
Marty and Mira/
go dancing in the orchard/
across the Calico bay/
Marty works hard at his job-
while Mira plays all day/
Marty works to get the money
for the bills they must pay/
They go out walking together-
to see what they can find/
both got a lot to say
but not a trouble on their minds/
Marty and Mira/
only eat Gluten-free/
Marty and Mira/
light candles for each other/
in Roman cathedrals/
Marty plays his guitar-
for Mira everyday/
Mira darns Marty's socks
but they're hopelessly frayed/
they drive across 101-
To Astoria/
gonna burn their troubles away
and fall into the ocean/
Marty and Mira-
Marty and Mira-
Marty and Mira.
Haven't felt well enough (I've been sick this week) to sit down and put them to music, but here are the lyrics.
Falling
As I stand/
with my feet in the sand/
the wind is killing the silence/
I think of the day/
I first heard you say/
all we are is empty and senseless/
but I think that we
fall in and out of love
every day/
as I watch you walk away-
I feel my heart flooded by a wave/
of overwhelming fear
I have waited/
argued and debated/
to find the cure for growing up/
nothing will fix/
that which we miss/
all we know is falling down/
but I think that we
fall in and out of love
every day/
we just ride the surftide/
until the perfect wave
comes crashing down/
and as I watch you walk away
I realize I've found my perfect wave/
and I'm ready to fall into the ocean/
So don't walk away/
don't turn me down-
don't walk away
cuz I need you now/
I'm ready to fall into the ocean-
to fall in and out of love everyday-
ready to fall into the ocean/
I'll fall into the ocean-
I'm falling into you.........
Song#2 (currently untitled)
I've got a bruse from where they stuck the needle in/
the blood flows from the walls to save my life again/
how much more can they ask from this life of pain/
this misery taunts me with how alone I am/
and the chip on my shoulder is only the tip/
of what's left of my lonely, broken heart/
*chorus*
the corners of my mind are drawing a blank/
and its your memory which makes me stay/
but I can't live like this-
you won't remember this/
so put on your mask
and wash your hands/
put on your mask
and wash your hands/
lying on the table, the procedure's begun/
leaving behind a life of empty, load your gun/
I don't understand, aren't we all meant for someone?/
I wanna know when its my turn to fall in love/
and in a sea of people calling out to me-
I only wanna hear you whisper my name/
*
the corners of my mind are drawing a blank/
and its your memory which makes me stay/
but I can't live like this/
and you won't remember this/
so put on your mask
and wash your hands/
put on your mask
and wash your hands/
there's a cross to bear and a promise to swear-
as the monitor stops and the IVs tear-
there's a cross to bear and a promise to swear-
and I bet you wouldn't even care to share-
how you gave us a scare?-
how you gave us a scare-
ssh, honey, don't you dare-
you gave us a scare-
so don't you dare try and tell me
this wasn't fair..............
Marty and Mira (this song actually does have music :)
Marty and Mira/
speak French to each other/
Marty and Mira/
go dancing in the orchard/
across the Calico bay/
Marty works hard at his job-
while Mira plays all day/
Marty works to get the money
for the bills they must pay/
They go out walking together-
to see what they can find/
both got a lot to say
but not a trouble on their minds/
Marty and Mira/
only eat Gluten-free/
Marty and Mira/
light candles for each other/
in Roman cathedrals/
Marty plays his guitar-
for Mira everyday/
Mira darns Marty's socks
but they're hopelessly frayed/
they drive across 101-
To Astoria/
gonna burn their troubles away
and fall into the ocean/
Marty and Mira-
Marty and Mira-
Marty and Mira.
Friday, March 5, 2010
An Electrical Surge of Emotion
I had a bit of an electrical surge of emotion last night.
It wasn't anything too overwhelming, or too sad, too depressing.
It was just enough for me to take a hot bath, and fall asleep listening to the album American Idiot by Green Day.
...........
Perhaps I should explain that last statement: when I feel the most emotional, there's one album that comforts me like none other and that's American Idiot.
I know, that doesn't make any sense.
It's not a happy album, it's not even quiet- its loud, controversial, and overwhelmingly honest... but it feels like home to me.
You see, there was a time in my life, when I felt really lost and really hopeless.
I felt abandoned by happiness.
And in that dark period of my life, there was about three key albums that were always playing: All the Right Reasons by Nickelback for when I felt angry, No Name Face by Lifehouse for when I felt sad, and American Idiot when everything else piled up and was too heavy to bear.
I can assure you, today, I don't feel anything close to that anymore.
But now, when I have bad days, they can bring back memories that are dark, and when those memories come back, Green Day blows them all away.
As I was drifting off to sleep last night, listening to the song Give Me Novacaine, a last passing thought I had was that this album was the most influential album in my life.
Green Day and I have a history.
The first rock concert I ever went to was Green Day. The first punk album I ever owned was American Idiot. Billie Joe Armstrong was the first musician crush I had. My friends nicknamed me after one of their other albums. They inspired me to learn how to play the guitar. They inspired me to start a band. They helped get me through a dark time so I could feel the light once again.
They are, without a doubt, my favorite band ever.
So as I drifted off to sleep thinking about influential albums, I've been thinking today about other albums which have inspired me.
Here's the rundown.
#1. American Idiot- Green Day...... because no matter what emotion you're feeling, the songs make you feel understood. This album has been most influential on my past.
#2. Take This To Your Grave- Fall Out Boy.......... Because bitterness is a valid human emotion, which I believe is discriminated against, and this album is a healthy expression and release of those feelings. This album has been most influential on my writing.
#3. Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge- My Chemical Romance....... Because there is no other album with so much depth, art, passion, story-telling and hope. People do not understand the blatant hope that is evident in this album. This album has been most influential on my attitude and also on my lyric-writing.
Those are my top three.
There's tons and tons of other albums which have inspired me, ranging from artists like The Beatles, to Michael Jackson, to The Used, to McFly, to Oasis to The Decemberists and Sarah McLachlan....
None of the others come close to the emotional ties I have with those three albums, though.
I have a history with each one of those albums.
They've played a part in shaping me to be who I am today.
If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't love music the way I do, and I probably wouldn't be in a band or play music at all.
If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have been inspired to become a better writer.
If it wasn't for the musicians that wrote those albums, I wouldn't have a deep understanding for people, and I wouldn't have this desire to help others who are in need.
They've helped me grow up, and have given me some of the best memories and associations I could ask for.
So yes, those are the thoughts that are running through my head today.
Funny thing: as I write this blog, I'm listening to the Counting Crows. ;)
It wasn't anything too overwhelming, or too sad, too depressing.
It was just enough for me to take a hot bath, and fall asleep listening to the album American Idiot by Green Day.
...........
Perhaps I should explain that last statement: when I feel the most emotional, there's one album that comforts me like none other and that's American Idiot.
I know, that doesn't make any sense.
It's not a happy album, it's not even quiet- its loud, controversial, and overwhelmingly honest... but it feels like home to me.
You see, there was a time in my life, when I felt really lost and really hopeless.
I felt abandoned by happiness.
And in that dark period of my life, there was about three key albums that were always playing: All the Right Reasons by Nickelback for when I felt angry, No Name Face by Lifehouse for when I felt sad, and American Idiot when everything else piled up and was too heavy to bear.
I can assure you, today, I don't feel anything close to that anymore.
But now, when I have bad days, they can bring back memories that are dark, and when those memories come back, Green Day blows them all away.
As I was drifting off to sleep last night, listening to the song Give Me Novacaine, a last passing thought I had was that this album was the most influential album in my life.
Green Day and I have a history.
The first rock concert I ever went to was Green Day. The first punk album I ever owned was American Idiot. Billie Joe Armstrong was the first musician crush I had. My friends nicknamed me after one of their other albums. They inspired me to learn how to play the guitar. They inspired me to start a band. They helped get me through a dark time so I could feel the light once again.
They are, without a doubt, my favorite band ever.
So as I drifted off to sleep thinking about influential albums, I've been thinking today about other albums which have inspired me.
Here's the rundown.
#1. American Idiot- Green Day...... because no matter what emotion you're feeling, the songs make you feel understood. This album has been most influential on my past.
#2. Take This To Your Grave- Fall Out Boy.......... Because bitterness is a valid human emotion, which I believe is discriminated against, and this album is a healthy expression and release of those feelings. This album has been most influential on my writing.
#3. Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge- My Chemical Romance....... Because there is no other album with so much depth, art, passion, story-telling and hope. People do not understand the blatant hope that is evident in this album. This album has been most influential on my attitude and also on my lyric-writing.
Those are my top three.
There's tons and tons of other albums which have inspired me, ranging from artists like The Beatles, to Michael Jackson, to The Used, to McFly, to Oasis to The Decemberists and Sarah McLachlan....
None of the others come close to the emotional ties I have with those three albums, though.
I have a history with each one of those albums.
They've played a part in shaping me to be who I am today.
If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't love music the way I do, and I probably wouldn't be in a band or play music at all.
If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have been inspired to become a better writer.
If it wasn't for the musicians that wrote those albums, I wouldn't have a deep understanding for people, and I wouldn't have this desire to help others who are in need.
They've helped me grow up, and have given me some of the best memories and associations I could ask for.
So yes, those are the thoughts that are running through my head today.
Funny thing: as I write this blog, I'm listening to the Counting Crows. ;)
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