A Losing Game

You know how some people have that "learn something new every day attitude?"

Sometimes I can't stand those people.

Although, today, I guess I am one of those people.

Today I learned that listening to Amy Winehouse makes me feel like a queen.

A mildly sad queen- and exceptionally lonely, perhaps-

But a queen nonetheless.

Lovers, it's been a long three weeks, hasn't it?

January is almost over- and if this month is any indicator of what the rest of 2013 looks like, then I have to say this is not going to be a very good year for me.

Personally, I'm fine with that.  I can't exactly  expect every year to be like the past year has been.

From the very beginning, it was sort of.... ill-fated.

I spent New Year's Eve trying my hardest to fall asleep before 11pm because I had to wake up at 5 the next morning, and I ended up crying at the sound of the fireworks at midnight because all I could think about were all the people I wished I was spending that moment with.

And then I fell asleep.  And I worked all of January 1st.

And all of January 2nd.

And all of January 3rd.

And then I started to glaze over. And the days just ran together.  And I worked.  And then I had ten days off.  And I had to spend a large majority of two of those days in the waiting/visiting rooms of a hospital.  Which, as many of you know, is not exactly a walk-in-the-park for me.

I have a bad history of extreme panic attacks in hospitals.

Something about spending far too much of my childhood in the wings of a particularly depressing hospital.  Coincidentally, that exact hospital where I spent so many hours of my eleven-year-old life waiting for my mother's cancer to just go away, is also the exact same hospital in which I was born.

And where I had my appendix taken out.

And where my dad had a heart palpitation scare.

And where my mom had several major surgeries.

And where she had most all of her chemotherapy sessions, and radiation sessions, and not to mention that was the hospital where I was sitting in the waiting room when she was diagnosed with breast cancer.

And the hospital where I saw my very first dead person.

I don't particularly have fond memories of hospitals.

I digress.

Anyways, this time 'round, it wasn't so bad.  And it wasn't so drastic of circumstances, either.  In fact, there were several incredibly funny moments.  There's nothing weirder than laughing in hospitals, though.  It just doesn't feel right.

After that was over, I did a lot of sleeping for the rest of my time off.  I felt like I could hardly move most mornings.  I watched a lot of Duck Dynasty and tried real hard to finally finish season 7 of Buffy.

I didn't even try to hang out with friends.  Truth is, I haven't wanted to see anybody this month.  I just don't really have the necessary gumption to carry on conversation. It's borderlining on pathetic.

Towards the end of my mini-vacation...  I went back to the beach.

Which was great.  And revealing.  And hard.  And incredibly uplifting, and yet sorely depressing at the same time.  And in hind-sight, even though I had a lot of really impactful conversations, and learned a lot about my future and myself that I really needed to discover, I'm not actually certain going back was a good idea.

Because in all honesty, I've been really depressed since I've gotten back.

Some mornings it's been really hard to get out of bed.

I think the hardest thing I've ever had to realize is the fact that you don't necessarily belong where you feel the most at home.

I do not like being where I am right now.  At all.  I don't like a single part of it.  It's been a really big letdown, actually, because I thought moving back home might be really exciting.  I thought maybe I could explore all the nooks and crannies of downtown, and I could get plugged in to this church I really liked, and I thought I could reconnect with a lot of old friends that I've almost totally lost touch with....

But it hasn't been anything like that.  I never have any desire to go downtown because after living on the coast for the guts of a year, downtown is extremely stressful.  I also have no  desire to spend the gas money.

And the church I really like?  It's good.  But it's not a church home.  And most weeks I don't even go- because it's downtown, and far, and so I either listen to sermons at home, or ride with my parents to their church, which I don't even like... which just makes me feel more dissatisfied and frustrated because the only church I ever feel truly at home in is over 100 miles away.

And the friends? Nope.  Just nope. That's all, really.

But underneath all of the dissatisfaction and discontentment is the simple truth that I 100% know this is where I'm supposed to be right now.  That's why I moved home in the first place.  I knew it was where God wanted me to be.

And I know that means I shouldn't be discontent.  Because where God wants me, is the best possible place I could ever hope to be, EVER.

And I KNOW that.

And so mostly I swallow my frustration and I try not to think about it because I don't want to be ungrateful or unworthy or unappreciative of the good things I have here.  A warm bed, parents who love me, two good jobs, a beautiful, rapidly growing niece who is full of gurgles and cuddles and kisses.

And I was doing pretty well until I went back to the beach.

Because I saw these faces-  all these beautiful faces of all of the people who I need on a daily basis.  At least, I feel like I need them daily.  I think about them all daily, anyway.  I miss them daily.

And I walked these streets- where every single street corner has a priceless memory.  Every single inch of that town has a memory attached to it.

And I stood next to this ocean- this incredible, raw, titan of terror and energy and glory.  And I felt so small, and yet so welcomed and so loved.

And I went to church on Sunday morning, and for the first time in a long time I was filled.  My cup ran over.  And tears streamed down my face- because underneath all of that beauty and balance, my sinful, human soul was crying over and over "IT'S NOT FAIR.  IT'S NOT FAIR.  IT'S NOT FAIR."

Well, lovers, the truth is it's NOT fair.

But life seldom is fair.

But God is fair. And when the world turns cold, He is never cruel.

And even though I'm not a real huge fan of my life right now,  and even though I'm real bad at hiding it sometimes, I'm still blessed.

And God still loves me.  And I'm still breathing.

And He is always forgiving.  Even when I don't deserve it, because I complain and I despair and I fret and I visibly( and vocally) grow angry, and I stubbornly try to remind Him of my unhappiness, He gently nudges me with a loving Spirit and opens a small window of opportunity in a long hallway of closed doors.

His grace is overwhelming.

And He's a great listener, you know?

So no.  I don't know what the rest of 2013 looks like.  I know what it doesn't look like, though.  It doesn't look adventurous.  And it doesn't look like Ireland, anymore.  It doesn't look like Adams St. or Avenue T., or Fir St.  It doesn't have a 97110 zipcode anymore. It doesn't hold Monday night bible studies with my beach family. It doesn't smell like peaches.  It doesn't have a lot of time to watch sunsets.

But what it does hold?  I have no earthly idea.

In all honesty, I'm getting the sense that the theme for this year very well may be solitude.

But solitude isn't a bad thing.

There is growth in solitude.

There is acceptance in solitude.

There is melancholy in solitude- but there is also healing.

And there will always be beauty in the breakdown.

Oh dear.

John Mayer over Adam Levine.

Tony Stark over Captain America.

Colin Farrell over Gerard Butler.

Heathcliff over Mr. Darcy.

Kanye West over Lil Wayne.

Edgar Allen Poe over Wordsworth, Longfellow, Whitman and Hawthorne.

Tennessee Williams over Fitzgerald and Hemingway.

Marlon Brando over Gregory Peck, Cary Grant AND Humphrey Bogart.

Shaun White over Michael Phelps.

Murtagh over Eragon. (That one was for you, Lexi)

Ethan Hawke over... Gulp... Leonardo DiCaprio. (Color me a traitor. And ashamed.)

Jack Nicholson over all his contemporaries.

Sonny Corleone over Michael Corleone.

Draco Malfoy over.... Everybody.


Lovers:

I seem to have a problem with favoring the douchebags.

Multidimensionality. The perfect and passionate desire of ultimate fulfillment... And self-destruction.

Bad boys.. They're just so beautiful, aren't they?

Maybe

Do you ever just feel trapped?

Like you're stuck where you're sitting on the couch- immobile- incapable of change- unable to move. Unable to think about moving.

You can't go upstairs to read in your cozy bedroom with candles and soft music because you haven't been home all week because you worked 40 hours on part-time wages and your bedroom is an unpinned hand grenade waiting to explode.

You can't decide what movie to watch because watching movies is really just a waste of time and you feel like you should spend the free hours of your schedule doing something productive.

Coincidentally you're so tired lately that all you have the effort to do after work is watch a cartload of movies and struggle to stay awake through all of them.

Maybe you shouldn't even do something productive. Maybe you should just do something... Creative.

But maybe you're not really an artist. So maybe you should stop posing as one.

Maybe you should stop hating yourself and telling yourself you're not an artist when you really are.

Maybe you don't know how to go a single day without beating yourself up for one reason or another.

Maybe you should be better than that.

Maybe you just miss someone that you can't even talk to.

And maybe that just makes you feel a little bit.... Unfinished. Incomplete? Unfulfilled? Maybe you can't ever find the right words.

And maybe that just drives you crazy because it validates the fact that you're not actually a writer.

You're a big fat phony. And not just that. You're a big fat phony who doesn't know what she wants to do with her life.

You're a big fat phony who gives up every goal she ever commits to because she's scared.

You want to write, you want to cook, you want to write, you don't know what you want.. So you go to bible school. You leave that. You want to cook again. But then you realize that you really don't.

And now you don't know what to do.

And maybe you're just tired of figuring out a choice. Maybe you don't want to make a plan.

But maybe that's not an option.

Maybe you all are now incredibly thankful that you don't have my brain.

Maybe I don't blame you.

Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I just need a little sleep.

Or 1000 years of sleep.

Or a vacation.

Or a stiff drink.

Happy New Year. Welcome to life.

Lavender

My head is pounding and the world has taken on a different sort of tincture.

Everything seems to be shaded in lavender tones- but not that pretty sort of lavender- the kind that goes along with summer dresses, and cotton pillowcases and mom hugs.

Instead it's the lavender that goes along with Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls.

The lavender that makes you want to sleep for the duration of 1000 sunsets, and 1000 moon falls.

The lavender that makes you feel everything and nothing all at once- and you feel like you've got those Breakfast at Tiffany's mean reds.

You're frightened and you don't know what you're frightened of- except in this case, you do. That's why it's lavender instead of red.

And what you're frightened of is beautiful, even in the wake of its unfamiliar terror. And even though you're frightened- you cannot look away.

That old devil feeling of forthcoming change is the only monkey on your back tonight.

Transitions are far more emotional than physical- change isn't half as upsetting as it's temporal lobe associations are.

It all kind of just hurts right now. Everything and nothing are welling up into an overwhelming tidal wave of what's to come.

And it's all lavender.

The knots in my stomach and the pounding in my head and the memories and the possibilities the exchanges and the unspoken promises and the music.

It's all a whirling spectacle of lavender lights and lavender smells and lavender memories.

"And I don't want the world to see me, 'cause I don't think that they'd understand.

When everything feels like it's broken, I just want you to know who I am."

Bells Will Be Ringing....

Lovers,

As I write this I'm still in my pajamas, with my hair tangled in extremely messy blonde knots (Yes.  I did.), sipping on a strong cup of Christmas Espresso roast, in my favorite Christmas mug, which is big and comfy and red and has a painting of Ebenezer Scrooge on it, his arms full of Christmas cheer and a stuffed goose,  with a banner overhead proclaiming "God Bless Us Every One."

Because, you know, every family should have themed A Christmas Carol mugs for the holiday season.

I don't even read Charles Dickens.  Except for A Christmas Carol.  That's the only one I could ever actually get through.

I digress.

So it's December 4th, which means there are 21 days left until Christmas- and the world is slowly turning into a flurrying spectacle of silver bells, fake snowflakes, Nativity scenes and overwhelming emotional nostalgia and regret and happiness mixed in with burdens and burdens of ancient traditions being jam-packed into a wild, crazy 3 week rush at the end of which I will probably have gained at least 5 pounds and will be extremely blessed and fatter and happier than normal.

Or so I dearly hope.

It's been an insane past month, my loves. I've been working like a dog and overdosing on sweet nephew and niece cuddles and missing everyone who is far away a lot more than normal.

I guess that's what happens during the Christmas season but it still seems difficult.

Starbucks has been such an amazing transition and such a welcoming place to end up in- but the work is long and exhausting sometimes and I seem to find myself falling asleep all over the place these days because my busy life has turned me into a hopeless old woman.

But that's not so bad, either. Catnaps are great, too.

Today is the last in a series of 3 consecutive days off and so far it has been the most relaxing.

The kiddos and company are off visiting some of their relatives today and so it's just me and mom at the house, putting around, watching Footloose and playing on our new iPhones.

Which, by the way, are phenomenal.

I discovered this new app last night that essentially lets me take university courses on my phone for free.

No required homework, no stress.

Just loads of lectures and videos and information to be had from Oxford and Yale and UC Berkeley. Which is right up my alley of nerddom.

Also WordsWithFriends.

That is sublime.

Mostly today I'm thinking of my sisters and their wee kidlets.

I love those children so much- sometimes I think that I cannot wait to fill my own house up to the brim with little ones... They bring so much joy and so much fruitfulness and meaning to your life.

Sometimes I realize I'm much closer to being ready for that than I think I am, and that scares me, because there is still a part of me who is seven years old and screaming: "travel the world and learn 7 languages and never get married!!!!"

But that seven year old is overpowered, thankfully, by the calm voice of reason that speaks: "but you were born for this."

And so even though it's unnerving, it's happy, too. And still a long way off, for those of you who are going to read this and then freak out. ;)

Which is what days like today are for: quiet bliss and contentment in the fact that someday I will have many littles of my own, but today I am still young enough and carefree enough to just be the auntie- so I can still go out at the end of the day and live my own life.

Family.

Having them around you always makes you realize stuff that you didn't foresee happening.

Blessing or curse?

Ask me again tomorrow, but today- today I feel it is a blessing through and through.

Love you, lovers.

Xx.
Hannah

Thankful

Lovers,

It is Thanksgiving.  Officially.  As of...... 51 minutes ago.

I just got home from working the closing shift at Starbucks, and even though we shut down the lobby and drive-through early, we still didn't get out of there until ten after midnight.

Something about Black Friday prep and the next 72 hours being absolute madness at our store.

Anyways, I'm sure you all know what's coming, so I'm not going to waste any more words on an  explanation.

I am thankful for:

• The fact that this year has been the best year of my life to date.
• Coastal wind storms.
• Rainy afternoons spent tucked up on a couch, reading my Bible, hearing people that I love laugh.
• Ecola Bible College
• All of the amazing, unique, inspiring, funny, beautiful people I met this year and all the many ways they impacted me.
• The overwhelming moments when my Savior brought me to my knees before Him in supplication, mercy and love this year, and for the beautiful and wholesome location for those moments to take place in.
• The way the Prom smells at midnight in the middle of Summer.
• Sam's Seaside Cafe and all of the countless dollars and hours spent there, in moments of weakness, exhaustion, togetherness, happiness, laughter, comfort, peace, eating homecooked food for unbeatable prices, listening to the greatest collection of 80s superhits nonstop, and surrounded by colorful walls and twinkle lights. 
• The way the ocean changes colors.
• My second mother, Vange Alderrman, whom I met early this year.  She became the best manager I've ever had, a dear friend, and someone who took extremely wonderful care of me every day this Summer- she nourished my dreams more than anyone else ever has in my life.  She used to tell me everyday that all she wanted was to see me get there someday- to Ireland, to culinary school.  Every single day she would tell me that. I miss her.
• The beautiful and rare collection of older ladies I worked alongside at Sesame and Lilies.  Not a day goes by when I don't think of something wonderful that they taught me about life, about housekeeping, about being fabulous.
• The glorious, challenging, sometimes exhausting gift that is working outside in the elements for a natural preservation program, and the way HRAP sharpened and nurtured my mind and thirst to learn new, fantastical things about our world.
• The way my loves smile at me after I have fed them.
• The fact that my boys used to bring food over to my house just so I could cook it for them. 
• The fact that everytime I bake cookies I am reminded of my Brooklyn, and how we would bake cookies together and watch Disney Movies, and how many wonderful times we went grocery shopping together. 
• The fact that my friend Zachary Matthew Ricks is the grandfather I've never actually had. 
• Nights spent sitting on the kitchen floor, drinking tea and talking about puffins and boys with my beautiful roommates, Nikki and Lynn. 
• Fridges that you can write messages on.
• How candles light the darkness.
• The gift of being taught by my favorite people how to do exciting and crazy new things like longboarding.
• Adventure Levels
• No-Maintenance-Mondays
• Falling in love.
• The 3 mile drive to Indian Beach, and the greatest selection of music that always played while rolling into the parking lot, surrounded by many beautiful, tan surfers who drove fantastic VW Buses and for the cheap thrill that that can bring to you when you're having a crappy day.
• Remnant bible study, and how it grew me and forced me into relationship with my most favorite people, and how it made me trust them- and depend on them. God is good.
• People in my life who love me enough to stay up until very late at night playing trivia with me. I'm always going to need those people.
• The way John Mayer sounds to my heart.
• My Wesley, my farmboy, and how he loves me so.  
• Roman Candle Fights on the Fourth of July with the happiest bunch of crazy people I know. Favorite memory.
• The way your feet ache after a long day, because it means you have worked hard.
• Burns and scrapes because they mean that you are getting your battle scars.
• My one and only Becca, because she always is there to laugh with me, to listen to me, and to remind me ever-so-sweetly that love is, indeed, patient.  And it is, indeed, kind.  And that no matter how rude the customers are to me: I can't send her mini-rants via text message describing in minute, expletive detail just where those nasty customers can stick their arrogance, because it's not right. God knew what He was doing when He gave her to me.  I couldn't live my life without her.
• Forgiveness of sins and wrongdoings
• The Cross
• My mother and the way she will continue to hold me until the very, very end.
• My father, and his emotional strength after many years of sitting solidly through..... silt and smudges and ungratefulness.
• My sisters and the woman they challenge and prepare me to be.
• My nieces, Lily and Allie, their difference in  size, age and personalities. Their existence blesses me daily. 
• My nephew, Aiden, and his inescapable smile.
• My soul family- my Raelyn, my Natalie, my Benjamin and my wee baby Keller.  The way they push me.  The way they accept my every flaw willingly and humbly. 
• My Lexis, and my Zoe- without them I would be lost, for they are my compass. 
• Funny, sweet coworkers who I can laugh with and who I can dance with, in the drive through window, and who will hug me and tell me everything is going to be okay when people get especially mean and the job gets especially exhausting. 
• For my Mi Famiglia family.  For Patty, and Lisa and for my Travis. All of whom I need.
• Tips, and how they pay for gas money.
• The ability to breathe.
• Excellent health which I do not  deserve- and a lifetime full of sweet, incredible, magical, priceless memories.  

I am an extremely blessed person.

There is so much more to be thankful for.  

Let us all rejoice and with gladness in our hearts give thanks for this day, which the Lord has made, for each and every one of us.

Blessings to all of you on this holiday.

I pray you stay safe and warm and happy and that you are loved by your earthly family as much as you are loved by your Heavenly family.

XoXo lovers,

-Hannah

All You Need Is Less

November, November.

I always say my favorite month is October, and then November sets in and I'm hard-pressed to find a more unrivalled beauty.

I was rereading the notebook I kept over the Summer last night, and it's strange, because it all feels so recent- like I've only left just yesterday- but the dates on the entries are from so many months ago.

I've been home for over 2 months now.

And as much as I would have hated to admit it when I first got here, I've started to settle in again.

Starbucks is going very, very well.  The people I'm working with there are unique and opposite and funny and I feel a wealth of inspiration to write about because of their quirks.

My boss calls me Lisa Loeb and I've already gained respect for my sharp tongue and quick sarcasm.

I started working again at Mi Famiglia, which has been more than enriching.

Going back there, to those faces that I love, and those people who brighten my life, felt more like coming home than coming home did, in some strange way.

Especially when one of them whom I hold very dear to me smiled when he saw me and said, "Oh, aren't you a sight for sore eyes." and then pulled me in for a great hug.

I'm always going to feel like I belong there- and in the middle of a strange upheaval and overwhelming change of scenery and feeling a strong sense of loss, I have something that is never, ever going to change. Mi Famiglia is family.  When I'm there, I need less from the rest of my life, because I feel like what I need is in front of me.  The people, the food, the atmosphere.  It's what I want out of life.

So I've been working a lot, lately- and I've been taking one day at a time.

Right now, my sister and her kids are in town for a month, and so I've been spending a lot of time with my family- which is good.

I've been thinking about dying my hair blonde- and trading in my hipster glasses for contacts and leather skinny jeans.

I just want to change a little bit.

Attraversiamo.

I'm ready to cross over.

Lovers, I miss you.

I hope all is well.