Rough Morning

Jehovah Rapha: The God Who Heals.

II Corinthians 12:9-10

"And he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'... That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

"Because of my dad's death, I understand the gospel now in a way I never did before." -My Youth Ministry teacher, this morning.

Because of my mom's cancer, I understand the gospel now in a way I never did before.
Because of my mom's cancer, I understand God's love for me more than I have ever understood before.

I may still be struggling with the trauma of that hole in my past, and the way it impacted my 11 year old mind, but still, God is so good.

He really, really loves me.  And my mother.  My father.  My sisters.

Trials are blessings- and even though I'm still healing, and it's been almost eight years and I'm still not over it, God's bringing me through it.

God, please give me the strength to share this story.

Please give me the courage to share your amazing work through this horror in my life.

I feel you touching me with the Holy Spirit at this moment.

Work through me. Thank you for the cancer.  Thank you for healing my mother.

Thank you for always loving me.

I'm sorry that I've let the cancer keep me from being closer to you.

I'm sorry that deep, deep down in the hiddenness and bitterness of my heart, that I've been harboring anger against you.

I'm sorry for my rebellion.

I've tried to accept the cancer- and I finally have, but I'm still running away from accepting that it came from you.  That you allowed this to happen.  That you would ever let my family hurt so much.

I'm sorry I was blind to my anger- my aggression- my blame- my hurt.

I've gone through the years allowing myself to experience you in certain areas of my life- growing in harsh pride to think that I'm in control- and that I can grow closer to you in this area, but keep you away from that area, and definitely not acknowledge your presence at all in the cancer that wracked my mother's sick, small body.

Because how could a God of love and blessing ever bring that to her? To me?

.... How could a human being be so selfish?  How can I possibly be that ungrateful?

I'm sorry for my pride.  I'm sorry that I felt so scathed by you.

I count it all joy.  Everything you give is good, Father.

Forgive me, God, for my sin against you.  Heal me, please.

Turn the darkness into light.  Let the sun rise on my past.  Make me whole again- a new creation under you.

"If grace is an ocean, I am sinking."