Welcome


Welcome to a world of poetry and soliloquoy-

A world of dogmatic digressions and serious exhortations on frivolity and grandeur.

My brain is like a circus. These are chronicles of the circus-freaks and sideshows and mysterious wonders which I carry with me on a daily basis.

I am, therefore I write.

I write, therefore I arrive.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Writer's Block



I HATE WRITER'S BLOCK.


I've just spent the last hour and a half writing a very detailed beginning to a very interesting story- the plot of which I don't even fully comprehend yet. Beginning a story is always the hardest part for me, ergo it always takes me the longest time. Once I get past the beginning, its smooth sailing- but oftentimes I never fully get past the beginning because by the time I get the beginning half-finished, I'm completely burnt out and never pick the manuscript back up again.... Which is where I am now. I've spent far too much time on it for it to only be half a page long, but, there's not much I can do about how slow of a writer I am, is there?....

It's just getting interesting too. I'm just about to discover how certain key elements coincide to form the whole plotline. I can't give up now.

But... I've spent so much time on wording the few sentences I do have so perfectly, that I'm tired and at a standstill.



I don't want to give this one up, however.

The plotline, that which I do know of it, is far too intriguing to let go of. It needs to be written, and in turn, read.

It's something I know I want to write, because its the kind of stuff that makes up the songs I love to listen to, the movies which invoke the most emotion in me, the mindless sort of tragedy which captures my attention and twists my heart into an eternal love affair with the myriad of complications created by instability, long-suffering and loss.

I wish I could share the scheme of the plot with you..

But I don't want to risk it being stolen, or being anticipated for when its not ready, and not to mention the fact that I don't even know enough of it to talk about it yet...

So here I am, blogging about my writer's block, frustrated that I've just written a genious fifteen-or-so sentences and can't seem to squeeze anything else out of my warped mind,

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Musings on Dreams and Monologues

I wrote this monologue last year.
Some of its based on harsh truth, other parts are overexaggerated truisms that only slightly mirror the corners of my mind.

Nobody's Listening-

"I think I'm wasting my life.
I don't know what it is that I live for. I don't think I have a purpose.
It's not a bad thing- lots of people don't have purposes... In fact, some people just copy other people's purposes. You know those people- they were the kids in your career development counseling classes- the ones who didn't know what they wanted in life, so instead, they put something down that they didn't want. Then, they started lying to themselves, and pretty soon, the believed the lie. They became exactly who they didn't want to be.
I'm not one of those people- I used to want something.... Something big- I was destined for greatness, in any form.... I didn't know exactly what it was that I wanted. But... I knew that I didn't know... So... I had to have known something, right? I knew that I didn't want an average, safe life. I wanted to fall, I wanted to get hurt! I didn't want to wake up every day for the morning commute, just to come home that night to the wife and kids I'd wish that I didn't have. I didn't want that. I wanted to make a difference, I wanted to make a statement- to live my life for the greater good- the greater good of living the way you want to live.... Not the way everyone tells you to live. I wanted to be a light- a beacon- a symbol of resistance.
I wanted to be the one at organized rallies, the "man with the megaphone", the one who's shouting his heart out to a crowd who is so moved by the words coming out of his mouth, that they stand completely still.
.....but nobody was listening. I screamed, and I screamed, but nobody cared.
I woke up one morning, turned on my tv.... And World Word 3 was staring me in the face. It was laughing at me. "Ha ha! I win. Nobody cares about what you have to say. I've already said it all."
.... Nothing's been the same since that day. I just feel like nobody's listening anymore.
Nobody's listening to that crazy, homeless guy on the street corner in NYC, prophesying about the end of the world. Nobody's listening to the man behind the pulpit in front of the congregation every sunday at church- nobody's listening to him. Nobody's listening to that little voice on the inside- you know, the one that tells you when you're doing something wrong. Nobody's listening to our world leaders- they're so screwed up anyways, nobody wants to listen to them.
Nobody's listening to the people they care about. Nobody's listening to the guy next door who's crying his eyes out because his wife's leaving him because he has an alcohol problem.
Nobody's listening to their parents. Countries are at war with other countries, citizens are at war with other citizens, and families.... families are at war with themselves!
And what are we doing? We're covering our ears and screaming at the top of our lungs, "NA NA NA NA NA NAH I CAN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!!"
........
I'm not saying we all need megaphones. I'm saying we need to take the fingers out of our ears, and we need to listen. But, like I said, nobody's listening to me. Nobody cares about anybody else, remember? It's a dog-eat-dog world- survival of the fittest.
So. If you want to survive here, you better start running, fast- and don't ever look back. And remember, no matter how much you wanna change the world, you can't. Because nobody's gonna listen to you.
What did I end up doing with my life? Nothing. It's up to you if you wanna end up the same."


Crossroad-

I stand at a crossroad
Behind me is emptiness
A life without a dream
Ignorance, pain and loneliness

Another day, another dollar
Another dreamer in a mad, mad world
Do you ever wonder if you're living a lie?
All you have to do is open your mind

I know where I'm going
I may not get there in this lifetime
But sooner or later we all experience
That which we dream
Don't we?

It's not enough for me to know
That life happens every day
I need to know that dreams can happen
To feel the rush of excitement

Eyes wide
Soul open
The long expanse of road in front of me
Cluttered with new dreams and new realities

I breathe, knowing that they're all mine
Mine for the taking
I think of a life without that glorious ambiguity
And I step forward

Because a life full of failed
And forgotten dreams
Is better than a life with no dreams at all

Empty
Wasted
Forgotten
Just like the road behind me

Dreams-

Dreams

Who are we to understand them?
To try and comprehend that frail
Mystical, dangerous, ethereal magic

A dream planted deep in the soul
Flourishes and blossoms
Into the most beautiful reality

But a soul without a dream to nurture
Is as empty and sad as a life without love-
Which is the harshest reality

Without our dreams, how do we know who we are?
All his childhood, the astronaut dreamt of the stars
Ever since she was little, the painter dreamed of colors

The writer bleeds ink
The musician cries melodic tears
We are what we dream

Our stars are limited only by our minds
And our incapability to believe
To believe in our dreams

To trust in our dreams
and know that someday we will reach them
And when we do, we will be lying amongst the stars


Do You Have a Dream?-

Do you have a dream?
Nobody is too old, too poor, too lonely
Too sad, too unfortunate to dream

Sometimes dreams are the only things that motivate us
To stay alive

You are defined by what you do
Not by what you dream
But what you dream of drives you
To do the things you do

Nobody said dreams were perfect
Nobody said dreams always come true
Dreams are flawed, cracked and far-off

But it's better to have dreamed
One outlandish, impossible, farfetched
And unrealistic dream
Than to never have dreamed a single dream at all

If we didn't dream- how would we live?
If there was no motivation, no standards, no imagination-
Would you want to live in that world?

Mock not the starry-eyed dreamer
For in reality he is richer and more powerful than the highest king
and wealthiest noble

For he has an eye to see the light of the future
While the others dwell in the darkness of today

Shades of Grey

I came across a paper I wrote for a creative writing class almost four years ago.
The paper as a whole wasn't that great, but the conclusion caught my eye.....
Its probably one of my most favorite paragraphs I've ever written.

The story was about a woman who had become addicted to heroin, and upon loosing her boyfriend, developed multiple personality disorder. She later got clean and became mentally stable again; the ending paragraph is supposed to be written a few years after her breakthrough.

"The months and years that followed are a whirling blend of emotions and colors. Different colors represent different themes and different days. There are the occasional reds of passion, and the soft blues of calm, but mostly, my life is still a rainbow of metallic; brilliant shades of gold and dark silvers, buttery coppers and harsh blacks. Every once in a while I catch myself falling back into what I used to be. Days like those make me realize, that no matter how many splashes of red or blue fill my life, my rainbow will always have striking but heartbreaking shades of grey. And no matter how many times my life changes for the better, I am still a blank canvas; full of emptiness, and fear."

thoughts?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Pancakes

I admit it.

Recently, I have become very, very addicted to "The Secret Life of the American Teenager".
Shameful, isn't it? I can't help it! ABC Family has always drawn me in with its overdramatized tv shows.... one of my guilty pleasures, definitely.
I've been rewatching all the episodes on Hulu. I'm on episode 22 of the first season... and I'm so completely hooked. It feels good to get this out, though.
Hopefully you guys will still love me, and not shun me for the rest of my pathetic life. :)

Anyways... it's 12:42 AM and as much as I love the new show, I've been watching it for a few hours already and I don't want to keep watching it right now.
The power went out about twenty minutes ago.
That was intense.
Luckily, I had already turned off the computer, so it wasn't like I was in the middle of a really important scene....Phew, that was close.
I'm listening to the Black Eyed Peas.
Not really sure why. I haven't listened to them in forever.... and mostly they annoy me.
Like right now. The song Pump It is really grating on my ears.
Ah, there we go. Everclear. Short Blonde Hair. Welcome back to the 90s- Portland, Oregon style.
mmmm......
Do you ever wonder about how popular local bands get?
Like...the other day.. I was listening to an Everclear song, and randomly, I thought, "I wonder if anybody in Australia has ever heard of Everclear... I wonder if anybody in Australia has ever heard of Portland."
It's interesting, isn't it, how the complete center of our social world is unknown in other parts of the world.
Makes you feel a lot smaller, and humbler, doesn't it?
That's how it makes me feel.
"Oh, I'm an Oregonian, we're so awesome...blah blah blah."
When, really, somebody on the other side of the world would say, "Hm, that's nice. I've never heard of Oregon before. Must be really unimportant."
...That's when the lights would flash, and you'd come to a screeching halt, and there'd be a fat lady, singing in a loud operatic voice, "REALITY CHECK!!!COME BACK DOWN TO EARTH!!!"
yeah.
That really is the way my mind works.

Speaking of Opera, Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries just came on my iPod.
I feel slightly on edge....but you know, I don't know why this is even on one of my opera cds. It's more like...Opera Without Words. Or, just classical.

So I'm realizing that I blog a lot about music. I really am trying to not make every blog post sound the same.... but I've just got a lot to say about music.
Music is awesome! Why shouldn't we be talking MORE about music?
Seriously.
Music is one of those rare gifts that can bring anybody together.
You may hate someone with a fiery passion, but if there's a song on the radio you both love, all emnity is forgotten for those fleeting four minutes as the music washes over you.
It's beautiful.

And you know what else is a rare gift that can bring anybody together?
Tea.
Ask anybody you know- if tea is around, the atmosphere is automatically calm and introspectful.
Why is that? Does it have something to do with those endorphin things? Is that even biologically sound?...........Probably not.
Music and tea.... and John Cusack movies.
What else do you need for a day of doing nothing and loving every minute of it? Oh. That's right. You also need a close friend, a boxset of all ten seasons of Friends, and a huge bowl of Tapioca pudding...and pancakes.
Pancakes are the ultimate breakfast of happiness.
Nothing bad happens over pancakes..... and pancakes are, probably, the greatest late-night snack ever invented. When I move out (so as not to disturb anyone), and live by myself, I will go into my kitchen late at night and make myself pancakes....and I'll probably serve it with a glass of red wine.
Yeah, that sounds like me. :)

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Colazione Da Tiffany

I'm listening to the original version of Moon River.
You know, the one that Audrey Hepburn sings in "Breakfast at Tiffany's"
Henry Mancini wrote this song specifically for the movie, and specifically for Audrey's vocal range....(have some random trivia knowledge. ;P )
Audrey has a lovely voice.

I have a large movie poster from Breakfast at Tiffany's in my bedroom. Its in Italian, "Colazione da Tiffany". I've been to Italy, and I've seen almost all of Audrey's most brilliant movies.
Sabrina, Funny Face, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Roman Holiday, are just a few of my favorites.
I think Breakfast at Tiffany's is my favorite though... it holds a very special place in my heart.
Ever since I was a young, young girl, I've loved the song Moon River.
I have memories of sitting on the carpet of the house I grew up in, looking up at the ceiling, listening to Moon River playing on my parents cd shuffler and thinking how someday I wanted to sail away on my own Moon River. The poetry of the song and the vivid scenery created a fantastic imagination in my young mind....
And so, when I got older and saw Breakfast at Tiffany's for the first time, you can imagine my delighted surprise when the scene unfolded in front of me where Holly Golightly is sitting out on her fire escape, with a beautiful old guitar, singing Moon River to while her sadness away.
I knew then, that this was going to be one of my favorite movies.

I don't just love Breakfast at Tiffany's for the song, however.
Its the charm and the sophistication, the warm-heartedness and the proud demeanor, the mix of old Hollywood tinged with new and exciting technicolor wonder, the comedy, the tragedy and the familiarity that drew me in and captured my heart forever.

The world of Breakfast at Tiffany's is impossible to not fall in love with.... for its the world that everyone desires. The imagination, the inspiration, the love and the emotion it creates.
Haven't you ever wanted, on a particularly bad day, to dress up in your finest pearls and hop in a cab to Tiffany's, with a coffee and a danish?
Haven't you ever suffered from the mean reds? Or wanted, on a passing whim, to steal a mask from a ten cent store? How about hop on a train once a week to visit a dear friend in Sing Sing.... or stick your telephone in an old suitcase to muffle the noise, and block out the world?

This story is about the chance to start over.... to leave behind all thats ever caused you pain.
To journey somewhere new, to find yourself, and to fall in love.
Off to see the world, for there's such a lot of world to see.
..... I guess they really did write the song for this movie, didn't they?
I've always identified with Holly Golightly- "A freespirit, a wild thing..."
But always terrified that someone is going to stick me in a cage.
But on the journey that is life, you realize that the only person who can stick you in a cage is yourself.
Life is always what you make of it..... So make the best of it that you can.
And if you're having a bad day, pop in Breakfast at Tiffany's... Whether in Italy, or America, the movie inspires the same passion and thirst for life at its fullest.




Moon river
wider than a mile
I'm crossing you in style, someday
oh dreammaker, you heartbreaker
wherever you're going, I'm going your way
two drifters
off to see the world
there's such a lot of world to see
we're after the same rainbow's end
waitin' round the bend
my huckleberry friend
moon river and me.......

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Walden

I picked up my old copy of Walden; Or, Life in the Woods by Henry David Thoreau today and began to flip through the familiar pages, reading the excerpts I had underlined when I first read it.
I thought I'd share. :)

Economy-

"Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant? We should live in all the ages of the world in an hour; ay, in all the worlds of the ages. History, Poetry, Mythology!- I know of no reading of another's experience so startling and informing as this would be."

"All change is a miracle to contemplate; but it is a miracle which is taking place every instant."

"Of a life of luxury, the fruit is luxury, whether in agriculture, or commerce, or literature, or art."

"The life which men praise and regard as successful is but one kind. Why should we exaggerate any one kind at the expense of the others?"



Clothing-

"For he considers, not what is truly respectable, but what is respected."

Architecture-

"Oe peice of good sense would be more memorable than a monument as high as the moon."

Where I Lived-

"The winds which passed over my dwelling were such as sweep over the ridges of mountains, bearing the broken strains, or celestial parts only, of terrestrial music. The morning wind forever blows, the poem of creation is uninterrupted; but few are the ears that hear it."

"Both place and time were changed, and I dwelt nearer to those parts of the universe and to those eras in history which had most attracted me. Where I lived was as far off as many a region viewed nightly by astronomers. We are wont to imagine rare and delectable places in some remote and more celestial corner of the system, behind the constellation of Cassiopeia's Chair, far from noise and disturbance."

"Every morning was a cheerful invitation to make my life of equal simplicity, and I may say innocence, with Nature herself."

"Morning brings back the heroic ages. I was as much affected by the faint hum of a mosquito making its invisible and unimaginable tour through my apartment at earliest dawn, when I was sitting with door and windows open, as I could be by any trumpet that ever sang of fame. It was Homer's requiem; istelf an Iliad and Odyssey in the air, singing its own wrath and wanderings. There was something cosmical about it; a standing advertisement, till forbidden, of the everlasting vigor and fertility of the world. The morning, which is the most memorable season of the day, is the awakening hour. Then there is least somnolence in us; and for an hour, at least, some part of us awakes which slumbers all the rest of the day and night. Little is to be expected of that day, if it can be called a day, to which we are not awakened by our Genius, but by the mechanical nudgings of some servitor, are not awakened by our own newly-acquired force and aspiration from within, accompanied by the undulations of celestial music, instead of factory bells, and a fragrance filling the air- to a higher life than we fell asleep from; and thus the darkness bear its fruit, and prove itself to be good, no less than the light."

"The millions are awake enough for physical labor; but only one in a million is a wake enough for effective intellectual exertion, only one in a hundred millions to a poetic or divine life. To be awake is to be alive. I have never yet met a man who was quite awake. How could I have looked him in the face?"

"To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of arts."

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

"If I should only give a few pulls at the parish bell-rope, as for a fire, that is, without setting the bell, there is hardly a man on his farm in the outskirts of Concord, notwithstanding that press of engagements which was his excuse so many times this morning, nor a boy, nor a woman, I might almost say, but would forsake all and follow that sound, not mainly to save property from the flames, but, if we will confess the truth, much more to see it burn, since burn it must, and we, be it known, did not set it on fire."

"Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. I drink at it; but while I drink I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is. Its thin current slides away, but eternity remains."

Reading-

"To read well, that is, to read true books in a true spirit, is a noble exercise, and one that will task the reader more than any exercise which the customs of the day esteem."

"The orator yields to the inspiration of a transient occasion, and speaks to the mob before him, to those who can hear him; but the writer, whose more equable life is his occasion, and who would be distracted by the event and the crowd which inspire the orator, speaks to the intellect and heart of mankind, to all in any age who can understand him."

"A written word is the choicest of relics. It is something at once more intimate with us and more universal than any other work of art. It is the work of art nearest to life itself. It may be translated into every language, and not only be read but actually breathed from all human lips; -not be represented on canvas or in marble only, but be carved out of the breath of life itself."

"Books are the treasured wealth of the world and the fit inheritance of generations and nations."

"The book exists for us perchance which will explain our miracles and reveal new ones."

Sounds-

"Sometimes, in a summer morning, having taken my accustomed bath, I sat in my sunny doorway from sunrise till noon, rapt in a revery, amids the pines and hickories and sumachs, in undisturbed solitude and stillness, while the birds sang around or flitted noiseless through the house, unti by the sun falling in at my west window, or the noise of some traveller's wagon on the distant highway, I was reminded of the lapse of time."

"Follow your genius closely enough, and it will not fail to show you a fresh prospect every hour."

"It seems as if the earth had got a race now worthy to inhabit it."

"Every path but your own is the path of fate."

"Commerce is unexpectedly confident and serene, alert, adventurous, and unwearied."

"I am refreshed and expanded when the freight train rattles past me, and I smell the stores which go dispensing their odors all the way from Long Wharf to Lake Champlain, reminding me of foreign parts, of coral reefs, and Indian oceans, and tropical climes, and the extent of the globe. I feel more like a citizen of the world at the sight of the palm-leaf which will cover so many flaxen New England heads the next summer, the Manilla hemp and coconut husks, the old junk, gunny bags, scrap iron, and rusty nails."

"All sound heard at the greatest possible distance produces one and the same effect, a vibration of the universal lyre, just as the intervening atmoshpere makes a distant ridge of earth interesting to our eyes by the azure tint it imparts to it."

"It is no honest and blunt tu-whit tu-who of the poets, but, without jesting, a most solemn graveyard ditty, the mutual consolations of suicide lovers remembering the pangs and the delights of supernal love in the infernal groves. Yet I love to hear their wailing, their doleful responses, trilled along the wood-side; reminding me sometimes of music and singing birds; as if it were the dark and tearful side of music, the regrets and sighs that would fain be sung. They are the spirits, the low spirits and melancholy forebodings, of fallen souls that once in human shape night-walked the earth and did the deeds of darkness, now expiating their sings with their wailing hymns or threnodies in the scenery of their transgression."

"Expressive of a mind which has reached the gelatinous mildewy stage in the mortification of all healthy and courageous thought."

Solitude-

"Sympathy with the fluttering alder and poplar leaves almost takes away my breath; yet, like the lake, my serenity is rippled but not ruffled."

"There is commonly sufficient space about us. Our horizon is never quite at our elbows."

"I believe that men are generaeelly still a little afraid of the dark, though the witches are all hung, and Christianity and candles have been introduced."

"There can be no very black melancholy to him who lives in the midst of Nature and has his senses still."

"In the midst of a gentle rain while these thoughts prevailed, I was suddenly sensible of such sweet and beneficient society in Nature, in the very patterning of the drops, and in every sound and sight around my house, an infinite and unaccountable friendliness all at once like an atmosphere sustaining me, as made the fancied advantages of human neighborhood insignificant, and I have never thought of them since. Every little pine needle expanded and swelled with sympathy and befriended me."

"Some of my pleasantest hours were during the long rain storms in the spring or fall, which confined me to the house for the afternoon as well as the forenoon, soothed by their ceaseless roar and pelting; when an early twilight ushered in a long evening in which many thoughts had time to take root and unfold themselves."

"Society is commonly too cheap...... We meet at meals three times a day, and give each other a new taste of that old musty cheese that we are."

"I have a great deal of company in my house; especially in the morning, when nobody calls."

"Let me have a draught of undiluted morning air."

"She was probably the only thoroughly sound-conditioned, healthy, and robust young lady that ever walked the globe, and wherever she came it was spring."

Visitors-

"I think that I love society as much as most, and am ready enough to fasten myself like a bloodsucker for the time to any full-blooded man that comes in my way."

"One inconvenience I sometimes experience in so small a house, the difficulty of getting to a sufficient distance from my guest when we began to utter the big thoughts in big words. You want room for your thoughts to get into sailing trim and run a course or two before they make their port. The bullet of your thought must have overcome its lateral and ricochet motion and fallen into its last and steady course before it reaches the ear of the hearer, else it may plough out again through the side of his head."

"To him, Homer was a great writer, though what his writing was about he did not know."

"There was a certain positive originality, however slight, to be detected in him, and I occasionally observed that he was thinking for himself and expressing his own opinion, a phenomenon so rare that I would any day walk ten miles to observe it, and it amounted to the re-origination of many of the institutions of society."

"Finally, there were the self-styled reformers, the greatest bores of all, who thought that I was forever singing, 'this is the house that I built; this is the man that lives in the house that I built;' but they did not know that the third line was, 'these are the folks that worry the man that lives in the house that I built'."

The Village-

"Not till we are lost, in other words, not till we have lost the world, do we begin to find ourselves, and realize where we are and the infinite extent of our relations."

"A field of water betrays the spirit that is in the air. It is continually receiving new life and motion from above. It is intermediate in its nature between land and sky. On land only the gras and trees wave, bt the water itself is rippled by the wind. I see where the breeze dashes across it by the streaks or flakes of light. It is remarkable that we can look down on its surface. We shll, perhaps, look down thus on the surface of air at length, and mark where a still subtler spirit sweeps over it."

"Give me the poverty that enjoys true wealth."

Friday, January 8, 2010

Sad Songs and Waltzes

"It's a good thing that I'm not a star, you don't know how lucky you are.
Though my record may say it, no-one will play it, sad songs and waltzes aren't selling this year."

I love Cake.
If you've never heard of them, I regret to inform you you're missing out on pure lyrical genius.
However, if you're one of those people who listen to music for the beat and never pay any attention to the actual lyrics, don't bother.... you'll get bored easily.
As for those of you, like me, who listen to music to hear the stories other people tell, Cake is incredible.
I had a point to this blog, and it wasn't to prove to you how awesome my music tastes are, honestly, but I got lost in the song and now have absolutely no idea what I had planned on saying.
*sigh*
Oh wait, I remember.... I didn't actually have a point. I had lots of points. And none of them are connected in absolutely any way, whatsoever.... Story of my life.

I watched Benny and Joon last night.... I love that movie. I think I must have seen it twenty times, at least. Its one of my favorites, and I find myself quoting it all the time.

"Have we an internal sequin issue to deal with, Benjamin?"

"Some cultures are defined by their relationship to cheese..."

"They used to be fat and juicy, but now they're twisted. They had their lives stolen. Well, they taste sweet, but really they're just humiliated grapes."

"... A woman deeply and hygenically disturbed..."

................................. I've always wanted to make grilled-cheese sandwiches with an iron, or mash potatoes with a tennis racket.... and not to mention, vacuuming the comforter on a bed sounds ridiculously tempting, as well. :)

I've always wanted to paint on those huge, life-sized canvases, too.
Sometimes, I think if I could just have all the time and the money in the world to spend on painting, I would. I tell myself that someday, I'll have a special room in my house just for painting.... with windows leading out onto a small balcony, facing a river, like in The Notebook.
And all the brushes will be organized in glass jars, the canvases will be stacked against a wall, splattered aprons hung neatly on a hook, with the rustic scent of oil paints filling the room.

Maybe I'll take up art classes again.
My eyes just completely glazed over as I thought up that fantastic oasis.
...I'll have to have lots of rooms in my house for all the things I love.
A room for painting, a room for music, a room for writing, a huge kitchen, a room for photography......
.... All this, and I'll probably end up in a teeny-tiny one bedroom walk-up above a delicatessen on a busy street.
That doesn't sound so bad, though....Actually, it sounds pretty good to me.

I think I'm going to make myself some Tapioca pudding tomorrow.
Tapioca pudding is one of God's greatest gifts to mankind.
I usually only eat it when I'm sick, because its such a comforting food and doesn't make my stomach feel any sicker.
But, on rare occasions, certain circumstances arise when Tapioca is called for by the greatest forces of nature.... At least, the greatest forces of nature which govern my life.

Tapioca pudding cures all evils.
All sadness, all heartbreaks, all downer days, all moody blues, all mellow yellows, and all mean reds.
And it relates back to Benny and Joon, now that I think of it.
Wow, I've come completely full-circle.
And its about time, because the Nyquil I took to help me sleep is kicking in and my fingers are fumbling as my mind grows fuzzy.
So.....
I don't know what the point of this was.
But, what I have learned, is that Benny and Joon is a great movie to watch with friends, wherever life takes me I'll still find the time and place to do the things I love, and Tapioca changes my outlook on life when I'm feeling down.

In retrospect, I feel a lot better about life than I did when I sat down to type.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Coffee and Swingsets

Today I had a coffee date with my family.
Not my biological family, but my "soul family" as I like to call them.
We came together unexpectedly, through a drama production that, unbeknownst to us, would end up changing all of our lives forever.
People think we're just one of those "cast families" that every production has.
We are, but we're also so much more than that.
Anyways, we all came together to drink coffee and catch up for the first time since before Christmas Break.
I began to realize today just how lucky we all are.
As I sat and watched my family interact with each other, I realized that the seven of us are all as different as we could possibly be.
It's actually amazing to me that we all get along the way we do- honestly, it's pretty miraculous.
Some of us are quieter, more observant and thoughtful, some of us are loud and energetic and stubborn, some of us are spontaneous, and some prefer a set schedule.
Some are dreamers, some are realists, some are lovers and some are definite fighters.
If you were to ask me two years ago if I thought that this group of people would end up becoming a family, I'd probably roll my eyes and say, "Yeah, right." and walk away, shaking my head in disbelief.
.....but here we are.
Stuck with each other til the end. :)
In all honesty, though, the fact that we're all different is why we get along so well, I think.
Its because we're varied that we can work through difficulties and disagreements and are able to discuss important things without a fallout.
We're a balance. We compliment each other, like French bread and red wine.
Somehow, we manage to bring out the best in each other.
These people make me want to become a better person. They challenge me, grow me, love me, encourage me, inspire me, strengthen me, teach me.
Everytime we get together, its a growing experience.
Every day is a new adventure.

Its with them that I play on swings in a park late at night on Christmas Eve, with them that I read poems in the dead of night in empty cemeteries, its with them that I have discussions about love languages, its with them that I make up stories about people from eras gone by who leave their mark on everyday items such as an inscription on a cane, its with them that I take walks through empty fields at night, sitting on crates in a pitch black abyss, and talk about life, its with them that I decorate trees and untangle billions of Christmas lights, its with them that I drink tea and talk about the future with, with them that I play and sing songs together with, with them that I cook dinners, with them that I pray prayers which increase my faith, with them that I laugh uproariously, with them that I watch Sabrina until two-thirty in the morning.

I can't explain why we're a family or how we are a family....
But I know that God has put these wonderful people in my life for a reason.
We're all meant for something, and I believe that these people are in my life to help me find what I'm meant for.
what I'm meant to do.
Like I said, they inspire me. :)
I think the greatest part about this family is the love.
Love is such a powerful entity, and I'm not one to give it easily as I've always been a "hold your cards close to your chest" person.
But if there's one thing that we all agree on, its how much we love and need each other.
We've all seen our shares of ups and downs, and we've all had our desperate hours of need....
and now we know that if we're ever in need again, someone, if not six other someones, will always be there. Always.
And that alone is reason to keep these people in my life.
As if there weren't a billion other reasons. ;>)

1:28 AM

Lately, I seem to have been developing Insomnia.
I don't exactly understand where it came from, or what is happening in the dark recesses of my mind to spur on this extreme change in my sleeping pattern, but I'm rolling with it. For now.

I'm hoping that by getting the chance to write out all my sleep-deprived thoughts, I'll slowly work my way out of this new development and back into the old familiarity of falling asleep by eleven and waking up at seven.

I can't tell whether that's what made me create a blog, or the fact that I just watched Julie and Julia earlier today and can't get the glamorous idea of sharing my incessant thoughts with the entire world out of my head... or maybe I've secretly always wanted to do this, but have never had the gumption to just get out and do it.
Whatever the truth may be, here I am.
Listless, hazy, heavy-eyed and contemplative.
Trying to see the world through those infamous rose-colored glasses.

So.... this is it.
Welcome to my brain.
I can't promise you anything of any real worth coming out of it, but sometimes I do have my moments of profound clarity. Sometimes. :)

This might be a rather boring first entry, but, as it is, I am not apologizing for something that you have the choice whether to read or not.
However, to make up for the lack of intrigue, I supply this poem I've just come across in one of my favorite poetry books.

I am an Idea
Conceived in the mind of the Universe
And interpreted in the minds
Of the individuals I meet

Within myself I am constant
Yet, I am as everchanging
As the people who interpret me

I can control my actions
But I cannot control their thoughts
Therefore, I must do what I think right
And let others-
Think what they will
-Javan from his book, "Footprints in the Mind"

Rather insightful, don't you think?
I just fell completely in love with the first phrase, "I am an idea."
Its one of those ridiculously romantic phrases that captures your heart and makes you want to change the world...
Or, at least, try to make something about your life extroardinary.

With these rambled thoughts, I leave you.
My first blog entry.
The start of something new.
The possibilities are endless.
:)