It's raining steadily outside. Lifehouse's No Name Face album is comforting my swollen, aching mind, and as I sit here facing my open windows, I wish I could stay and write in this moment forever.
I wish I could loose myself in this song.
I wish I could stand in the ocean, arms raised and heart abandoned, waiting for clarity.
I wish I could fall asleep watching a romantic Christmas movie.
I wish that once again I could walk among the Roman Catacombs, meditating on humanity and it's incredible will to survive.
I wish I could forget what I choose to, and relive what I cherish.
I wish above all else that I could find peace right now, right here, and look no further for happiness or contentment.
The brokenness of the human heart is where it's beauty lies, but it's also where it's absolute terror thrives.
The beauty is where the redemption is found, the healing, the piecing together of the already broken pieces, the rebirth, the joy and the love that stems from being given a second chance.
The terror is anger, jealousy, pride, fear, pain, discontentment and lack of thankfulness, lack of grace and humility. And hopelessness.
The combination of hopelessness and discontentment is perhaps not the most lethal of heart-born terrors, nor the most painful, but without a doubt it is the most strangling and disabling combination.
You feel like you'd rather be anywhere, doing anything else with anybody else than here, with these people and this task at hand, but at the same time, hopelessness sets in and the realization (however false it may be) that you can't get out and you can't change your life right now freezes you.
You are overcome with emptiness and a little bit of fear.
So you carry on in day to day life, stuck on autopilot, sinking deeper and deeper into yourself and the corners of your mind that cling wildly to any fragile string of hope they can. You have to be careful, though, those fragile shreds can only take so much before you, in a frantic rage, shatter them all into infinite pieces.
It's a fine balance to learn how to walk.
A line that puts more than your hope and contentment at risk- it starts to jeapordize a little bit of your sanity, and a lot of your reserve and will to keep fighting.
As the sky only gets darker, and the days only grow shorter, the cold starts to seep deeply into your psyche and soon, everything has a dark side. And that quickly becomes the only side you can see.
Your love for the weather, and the season and the time of year (however strong it may be) is overwhelmed in a crashing wave of depression and lack of sleep.
Your friends become your enemies.
Everyone who calls, texts, messages you is only out to get you, and the idea of returning phonecalls and texts is enough to deplete your emotional resources completely. So you withdraw completely.
The hours tick by, and sometimes you sleep too much.
Other times, you sleep too little.
No matter how much sleep you do or don't get, you're always exhausted.
Disillusioned, disenchanted, disengaged, disenfranchised, disqualified, disgusted, disturbed.
Disorder.
Seasonal Affective Disorder.
SAD.
Buy a sunlamp.
The winters here are dark, bitter and cold.
But they're also beautiful....
And it's people like me who are seasonally affected by the weather, but love it too much to change their scenery, that are the hopeless ones.
Because we're willing to suffer through it, we're striving to feel more alive.
Because we're willing to go a little bit depressed, we're trying to gain something fleeting to write about.
Because we're not willing to be moved, we're willing to take the good moments and stretch them on as long as possible, even though they rarely outnumber the bad moments.
It's a little bit abnormal, a little bit unstable, and a lot of pain for those around us.
We don't mean for it to be any of those.
I apologize.
........
I think the weather's just starting to get to me, a little bit.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
I Am Awake Past Midnight And Sentimental Too
12:23 AM strikes again.
I tried to retaliate by watching another episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but that just made me sleepy. Which was the point, and almost worked until I got a late-night text just as I was dozing off, and here I am now, wide awake and wishing I had turned my phone off before bed. Alas, I'm never that smart.
The past few days have been overcome with hustle and bustle, holiday preparations, a strong feeling of loneliness and music. And writing. I did some more work on the short story fairy tale, but it's nowhere near completion yet.
It snowed here during the first part of the week!
I remember it very clearly.
I was at Ben and Natalie's house on monday night for dinner; the forecasts called for snow but we saw no sign of it. Raelyn and I were driving home at around 9PM when suddenly, the first flakes started to fall. Slowly at first, barely visible. But then they grew.
We listened to Christmas music most of the way home, and as I sat there, humming along to Frank Sinatra's Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas and staring out of the window at the black night and white flakes falling all around us, I had the strongest urge to just break down and cry.
Snow is the least pretentious out of all precipitious substances. I think that's why it made me cry. I felt like I had been putting up a front all day long that day, and I was tired of it. Then the snow started falling and made me feel like I didn't have to put up that front any longer, and then I realized how exhausted I was and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I cried.
It felt good.
The next day was Tuesday, and I still felt like I was putting up a front.
I went to Singer Hill with Natalie, Raelyn and Charity, and we all wrote for an hour.
I love having people in my life who deeply understand the same things that I deeply understand.
Mutual understanding begets mutual appreciation and mutual appreciation begets mutual acceptance. And wonderful hugs. Life's beautiful when you find someone else who shares the same sort of heart you do. Whether it's an actor's heart, musician's heart, or a writer's heart, that sort of mutual understanding begets a lifetime of reassurance and love. I felt better after that, although my only wish is that it could have lasted longer.
That night I tucked up in bed and watched A Streetcar Named Desire which, strange as it may seem to those of you who are lucky enough to have watched it, is a strongly comforting film to me. It sort of puts everything to rights in this unstable, unruly world we live in. I'm not sure how, I think it might just be the memories I have associated with it. They involve the people who know my heart the best, because they share the same one. :)
Wednesday dawned bright.
Julia -style omelettes and fresh coffee made the previous few days' offhandedness seem distant and unimportant.
My parents and I escaped from the house for a few hours and saw the newest Disney movie, Tangled.
We were adamant we knew all the voice-overs by ear.. Amanda Seyfried, Adrian Brody, and Raquel Welch.
We were desperately wrong on all of them. It was fun...:)
The rest of Wednesday was spent preparing for Thanksgiving. I was appointed to set the table, which in our house, is a pretty big deal. My mom is infamous for her beautiful table settings, so if you're still living under her roof and it's your job to set the table, you want to make sure it's done absolutely perfectly.
I like to think I did a fairly nice job, but I'm too afraid to ask. ;)
What really hit me wednesday night as I was going to and from the hutch, to the butler's pantry, to the table and back again, was how much I missed my grandmother.
Years ago, the hutch sitting in our front hallway belonged to her. Residing in it are all of my mom's favorite dishes, the dishes that belonged to Grandma Annie. Ever since I was little, I have always loved looking at the beautiful things inside that hutch. Over the years, some things have been broken, some things have been taken out and put somewhere else, and some things have been put in and rearranged countless times.
The one thing that never changes, however, is the smell. Ever since as far back as I can remember it's always smelled the same. Among the beautiful etched glass dishes, and hand painted salt and pepper shakers from distant shores, there is a shallow brown dish with my grandmother's favorite potpourri in it. That dish of potpourri has been in there ever since before I came along, and no matter who inherits the hutch, I can guarantee you right now that that dish of potpourri is never going to leave that cabinet.
The smell alone is enough to reduce me to cosmic tears.
It's every comforting, sad, beautiful, tragic, overjoyed, aching, unyielding and familiar thing that you could ever imagine, all at once. It's enough to make your heart hurt a little bit, because of the memories and the feeling of emptiness.
Like you've lost something. I have lost something. I've lost her, and very rarely does a day go by when I don't think about her and wish with all my being that I could have her back, if only for a day.
Thanskgiving is always an emotional holiday. Literally. There are so many endorphins in all that food, it makes you go sort of emotion-crazy.
But it's always the one holiday that makes me miss her the most and I don't think it's because of the food, or because of the tradition of remembering what you're thankful for, or because it's always spent with family...
I think it's because it's the one holiday that she's chosen to come down and be among us as much as she can. It's the holiday that I feel her around the most, and I think that's another reason why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
It's like she's there, celebrating with us, thankful for one more day that she can almost spend with us, until we can all someday see her again.
I would give away every single book, every single cd, every guitar, every movie, every notebook, and every dollar that I have if I could just listen to her voice telling me all that she's seen from Heaven.
I would give myself and everything else I had if I could just hold her hand and talk with her for a little bit.
I miss her so much.
She's the glue that has held this family together from the beginning.
I just wish she had been given the chance to hold us together for a little longer. And that is selfish of me, but I can't help it. I didn't get as much time with her because I'm so much younger than my siblings and cousins, but that's life. God makes everything happen for a reason, and I'm learning to be thankful about it even though it's really hard.
Thursday morning was met with long-awaited-for contentment and happiness.
Thanksgiving was beautiful in every way and not to be cliched, but I am sincerely thankful to have experienced it with my family and close friends, and my Grandma Annie.
That brings us to today, which was spent in recovering from last night's merriment, and cleaning the hurricane mess that great parties always seem to leave behind. I also worked, which was less than exciting because it was completely dead by 7'0'clock.
Tomorrow, or I should say 'later today' will be spent decorating for Christmas and hopefully shaking that annoying front that seems to creep up every now and then, feeding on loneliness and inconsistencies.
.....
If I didn't have to run my butt off in order to work off all the excess food I consumed over the past few days, I might have made myself pancakes tomorrow morning.
The things we do for skinny people jeans.
:)
Goodnight world, sweet dreams.
I tried to retaliate by watching another episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but that just made me sleepy. Which was the point, and almost worked until I got a late-night text just as I was dozing off, and here I am now, wide awake and wishing I had turned my phone off before bed. Alas, I'm never that smart.
The past few days have been overcome with hustle and bustle, holiday preparations, a strong feeling of loneliness and music. And writing. I did some more work on the short story fairy tale, but it's nowhere near completion yet.
It snowed here during the first part of the week!
I remember it very clearly.
I was at Ben and Natalie's house on monday night for dinner; the forecasts called for snow but we saw no sign of it. Raelyn and I were driving home at around 9PM when suddenly, the first flakes started to fall. Slowly at first, barely visible. But then they grew.
We listened to Christmas music most of the way home, and as I sat there, humming along to Frank Sinatra's Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas and staring out of the window at the black night and white flakes falling all around us, I had the strongest urge to just break down and cry.
Snow is the least pretentious out of all precipitious substances. I think that's why it made me cry. I felt like I had been putting up a front all day long that day, and I was tired of it. Then the snow started falling and made me feel like I didn't have to put up that front any longer, and then I realized how exhausted I was and I just couldn't take it anymore, so I cried.
It felt good.
The next day was Tuesday, and I still felt like I was putting up a front.
I went to Singer Hill with Natalie, Raelyn and Charity, and we all wrote for an hour.
I love having people in my life who deeply understand the same things that I deeply understand.
Mutual understanding begets mutual appreciation and mutual appreciation begets mutual acceptance. And wonderful hugs. Life's beautiful when you find someone else who shares the same sort of heart you do. Whether it's an actor's heart, musician's heart, or a writer's heart, that sort of mutual understanding begets a lifetime of reassurance and love. I felt better after that, although my only wish is that it could have lasted longer.
That night I tucked up in bed and watched A Streetcar Named Desire which, strange as it may seem to those of you who are lucky enough to have watched it, is a strongly comforting film to me. It sort of puts everything to rights in this unstable, unruly world we live in. I'm not sure how, I think it might just be the memories I have associated with it. They involve the people who know my heart the best, because they share the same one. :)
Wednesday dawned bright.
Julia -style omelettes and fresh coffee made the previous few days' offhandedness seem distant and unimportant.
My parents and I escaped from the house for a few hours and saw the newest Disney movie, Tangled.
We were adamant we knew all the voice-overs by ear.. Amanda Seyfried, Adrian Brody, and Raquel Welch.
We were desperately wrong on all of them. It was fun...:)
The rest of Wednesday was spent preparing for Thanksgiving. I was appointed to set the table, which in our house, is a pretty big deal. My mom is infamous for her beautiful table settings, so if you're still living under her roof and it's your job to set the table, you want to make sure it's done absolutely perfectly.
I like to think I did a fairly nice job, but I'm too afraid to ask. ;)
What really hit me wednesday night as I was going to and from the hutch, to the butler's pantry, to the table and back again, was how much I missed my grandmother.
Years ago, the hutch sitting in our front hallway belonged to her. Residing in it are all of my mom's favorite dishes, the dishes that belonged to Grandma Annie. Ever since I was little, I have always loved looking at the beautiful things inside that hutch. Over the years, some things have been broken, some things have been taken out and put somewhere else, and some things have been put in and rearranged countless times.
The one thing that never changes, however, is the smell. Ever since as far back as I can remember it's always smelled the same. Among the beautiful etched glass dishes, and hand painted salt and pepper shakers from distant shores, there is a shallow brown dish with my grandmother's favorite potpourri in it. That dish of potpourri has been in there ever since before I came along, and no matter who inherits the hutch, I can guarantee you right now that that dish of potpourri is never going to leave that cabinet.
The smell alone is enough to reduce me to cosmic tears.
It's every comforting, sad, beautiful, tragic, overjoyed, aching, unyielding and familiar thing that you could ever imagine, all at once. It's enough to make your heart hurt a little bit, because of the memories and the feeling of emptiness.
Like you've lost something. I have lost something. I've lost her, and very rarely does a day go by when I don't think about her and wish with all my being that I could have her back, if only for a day.
Thanskgiving is always an emotional holiday. Literally. There are so many endorphins in all that food, it makes you go sort of emotion-crazy.
But it's always the one holiday that makes me miss her the most and I don't think it's because of the food, or because of the tradition of remembering what you're thankful for, or because it's always spent with family...
I think it's because it's the one holiday that she's chosen to come down and be among us as much as she can. It's the holiday that I feel her around the most, and I think that's another reason why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday.
It's like she's there, celebrating with us, thankful for one more day that she can almost spend with us, until we can all someday see her again.
I would give away every single book, every single cd, every guitar, every movie, every notebook, and every dollar that I have if I could just listen to her voice telling me all that she's seen from Heaven.
I would give myself and everything else I had if I could just hold her hand and talk with her for a little bit.
I miss her so much.
She's the glue that has held this family together from the beginning.
I just wish she had been given the chance to hold us together for a little longer. And that is selfish of me, but I can't help it. I didn't get as much time with her because I'm so much younger than my siblings and cousins, but that's life. God makes everything happen for a reason, and I'm learning to be thankful about it even though it's really hard.
Thursday morning was met with long-awaited-for contentment and happiness.
Thanksgiving was beautiful in every way and not to be cliched, but I am sincerely thankful to have experienced it with my family and close friends, and my Grandma Annie.
That brings us to today, which was spent in recovering from last night's merriment, and cleaning the hurricane mess that great parties always seem to leave behind. I also worked, which was less than exciting because it was completely dead by 7'0'clock.
Tomorrow, or I should say 'later today' will be spent decorating for Christmas and hopefully shaking that annoying front that seems to creep up every now and then, feeding on loneliness and inconsistencies.
.....
If I didn't have to run my butt off in order to work off all the excess food I consumed over the past few days, I might have made myself pancakes tomorrow morning.
The things we do for skinny people jeans.
:)
Goodnight world, sweet dreams.
Friday, November 19, 2010
"You, you never looked so good, sipping life down like I wish I could.."
-Tomorrow Never Comes a Day Too Soon- Flogging Molly
Sometimes, all I do is spend time worrying about what the future will bring. I'm analyzing every aspect of the present, wondering how it will change in the years to come, wondering who will be in my life that isn't now, and also who it is in my life now that will be missing in the future.
I waste precious moments of today, dreaming and longing for tomorrow. I distress over where I want to live, how I will end up there, who will come with me, where I will work, how I will make ends meet and if I'll ever fall in love while I'm away from home.
Will I be able to write as much as I want to? Will I be able to breathe as much as I want to?
Will there be sufficient space for my dog I plan to adopt when I move out?
Will I be able to come back and visit often?
Will I miss my family? Will I never come home to live in Oregon again?
Will I really be by the ocean in Ireland?
Will I get there in the next five years, or will it take my entire life to get there?
Am I being unrealistic?
Am I really sure that's what I truly want?
Am I going to be okay on my own?
Constantly, incessantly, in and out, in and out, in and out of every day this is what I do.
When does it end?
It doesn't. It should, and today I realized it will.
I was at work tonight, flitting about in the usual Friday night dinner rush, wrapping silverware here, busing tables there, taking names at the door, watching the clock, planning every next move, eyeing the seated tables and guessing how much time would pass before I could give their table to a new party, etc. I was tired, but I was very busy, so I didn't really notice.
I remember vaguely thinking at one point, "Will I always be this lucky at finding jobs?" I didn't even realize then how lucky I really was.
8:15 rolled around and the restaurant was completely full. One of my bosses, (I have three), Kyle sauntered up to me and asked me what I thought in regards to clocking out. I told him it was up to him. He told me to stick around for a little while longer, as all the tables in the restaurant were still full, and if anybody walked through the door I'd have to resurrect the waiting list.
My other boss Patty, Kyle's mom, was sitting at the counter chatting with a couple of regulars who come in every Friday (and most Saturdays). She called me over and told me to come and join their little band of conversation, saying, "If anybody walks in you'll see them," with a merry twinkle in her eye. So I did.
We laughed and talked and Patty and I told them the story of how I came to work there, and Patty said lovely, nice things about my work ethic, and my personality. They asked what my plans for school were. I told them I wanted to be a writer, they smiled and Patty was surprised and excited.
Then we started talking about Thanskgiving, and she said that she was spending it with her two sons (You guessed it, Eric is the other son and my other boss) and a few more of the employees who don't really have anywhere to go. I was struck by this, and momentarily reflected on just how much of a family they all are. We all are.
Then she asked me if my family was doing something, in a roundabout way of making sure that I had somewhere to go on Thanksgiving.
Wyatt, one of the servers, brought Patty her Caprese salad that she had ordered. She immediately demanded me to go grab a plate because she invariably insists on sharing all of her food with me when she gets it. I told her I loved her because she always shares with me and she laughed. I went and got a plate and she put the basil, tomatoes and mozarella cheese with bread cubes on my plate and after I had finished it, she ensured I had second helpings of her delicious salad. She wouldn't take no for an answer. :)
She told me that tomorrow she's going to train me to start taking to-go orders over the phone, and how to work the digital dining computers we have, because it's high time I take on more responsibilities rather than just standing by the door, waiting for customers. I'm really excited for that.
After I clocked out, ordered a pizza and had a few minutes to myself, drinking cocoa and reading about Alexander Pushkin, I went to thank her again for sharing some of her salad and to tell her and the regulars goodbye and that it was nice to talk to them again.
She pulled me in for a hug, and then said she'd see me tomorrow.
She's like a mom to everyone, and I love that about her.
I walked to the car and I realized that I don't need to worry about what the future will bring, because I have an amazing life right now. If you waste too much time thinking about tomorrow, you'll miss the blessing of today entirely, and I'm done doing that.
I also don't need to worry about how it will all come together, because God will inevitably provide for me, just the way he's done here with the most amazing first job anyone could ever have.
He's given me yet another family, in a place I honestly can say I did not expect to find one. That's what your workplace should be, I think. Warm, and comforting and familial and full of love, of hope.
I'm always going to be okay, you know?
No matter how much I worry, or how much life hurts sometimes, I'm always going to have something to hold onto.
Someone to hold onto. Whether it's a sister, a parent, a close friend, a lover, a cousin or even an employer.
I'm ready for my thirst for life to be driven by today, not by tomorrow.
I'm just going to soak up the time I have left in this place until it's time to leave.
I'm blessed, and I'm thankful that I get to love going to work every night.
It's good to be reminded of all that we take for granted.
It keeps us grounded. It keeps us human.
Goodnight....
Sweet dreams. :)
Sometimes, all I do is spend time worrying about what the future will bring. I'm analyzing every aspect of the present, wondering how it will change in the years to come, wondering who will be in my life that isn't now, and also who it is in my life now that will be missing in the future.
I waste precious moments of today, dreaming and longing for tomorrow. I distress over where I want to live, how I will end up there, who will come with me, where I will work, how I will make ends meet and if I'll ever fall in love while I'm away from home.
Will I be able to write as much as I want to? Will I be able to breathe as much as I want to?
Will there be sufficient space for my dog I plan to adopt when I move out?
Will I be able to come back and visit often?
Will I miss my family? Will I never come home to live in Oregon again?
Will I really be by the ocean in Ireland?
Will I get there in the next five years, or will it take my entire life to get there?
Am I being unrealistic?
Am I really sure that's what I truly want?
Am I going to be okay on my own?
Constantly, incessantly, in and out, in and out, in and out of every day this is what I do.
When does it end?
It doesn't. It should, and today I realized it will.
I was at work tonight, flitting about in the usual Friday night dinner rush, wrapping silverware here, busing tables there, taking names at the door, watching the clock, planning every next move, eyeing the seated tables and guessing how much time would pass before I could give their table to a new party, etc. I was tired, but I was very busy, so I didn't really notice.
I remember vaguely thinking at one point, "Will I always be this lucky at finding jobs?" I didn't even realize then how lucky I really was.
8:15 rolled around and the restaurant was completely full. One of my bosses, (I have three), Kyle sauntered up to me and asked me what I thought in regards to clocking out. I told him it was up to him. He told me to stick around for a little while longer, as all the tables in the restaurant were still full, and if anybody walked through the door I'd have to resurrect the waiting list.
My other boss Patty, Kyle's mom, was sitting at the counter chatting with a couple of regulars who come in every Friday (and most Saturdays). She called me over and told me to come and join their little band of conversation, saying, "If anybody walks in you'll see them," with a merry twinkle in her eye. So I did.
We laughed and talked and Patty and I told them the story of how I came to work there, and Patty said lovely, nice things about my work ethic, and my personality. They asked what my plans for school were. I told them I wanted to be a writer, they smiled and Patty was surprised and excited.
Then we started talking about Thanskgiving, and she said that she was spending it with her two sons (You guessed it, Eric is the other son and my other boss) and a few more of the employees who don't really have anywhere to go. I was struck by this, and momentarily reflected on just how much of a family they all are. We all are.
Then she asked me if my family was doing something, in a roundabout way of making sure that I had somewhere to go on Thanksgiving.
Wyatt, one of the servers, brought Patty her Caprese salad that she had ordered. She immediately demanded me to go grab a plate because she invariably insists on sharing all of her food with me when she gets it. I told her I loved her because she always shares with me and she laughed. I went and got a plate and she put the basil, tomatoes and mozarella cheese with bread cubes on my plate and after I had finished it, she ensured I had second helpings of her delicious salad. She wouldn't take no for an answer. :)
She told me that tomorrow she's going to train me to start taking to-go orders over the phone, and how to work the digital dining computers we have, because it's high time I take on more responsibilities rather than just standing by the door, waiting for customers. I'm really excited for that.
After I clocked out, ordered a pizza and had a few minutes to myself, drinking cocoa and reading about Alexander Pushkin, I went to thank her again for sharing some of her salad and to tell her and the regulars goodbye and that it was nice to talk to them again.
She pulled me in for a hug, and then said she'd see me tomorrow.
She's like a mom to everyone, and I love that about her.
I walked to the car and I realized that I don't need to worry about what the future will bring, because I have an amazing life right now. If you waste too much time thinking about tomorrow, you'll miss the blessing of today entirely, and I'm done doing that.
I also don't need to worry about how it will all come together, because God will inevitably provide for me, just the way he's done here with the most amazing first job anyone could ever have.
He's given me yet another family, in a place I honestly can say I did not expect to find one. That's what your workplace should be, I think. Warm, and comforting and familial and full of love, of hope.
I'm always going to be okay, you know?
No matter how much I worry, or how much life hurts sometimes, I'm always going to have something to hold onto.
Someone to hold onto. Whether it's a sister, a parent, a close friend, a lover, a cousin or even an employer.
I'm ready for my thirst for life to be driven by today, not by tomorrow.
I'm just going to soak up the time I have left in this place until it's time to leave.
I'm blessed, and I'm thankful that I get to love going to work every night.
It's good to be reminded of all that we take for granted.
It keeps us grounded. It keeps us human.
Goodnight....
Sweet dreams. :)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Blog Stalking, Harry Potter Raving, and Serial Attraction to Blondes Unveiled..
So recently I've discovered a few blogs that interest me.
Here's the glitch: they sort of belong to people I either A) know socially, but have never talked to in my life, or B) used to know rather well and then things got awkward and I haven't talked to them in over 8 years.
So, half of me wants to follow their blogs, but the other half doesn't want to be thought of as really weird and out of place. So then I consider the follow anonymously option. But I can't tell, is that really creepy? Because it seems creepy to me. I don't know. Maybe it's not.
I can't bring myself to do it.
But then I feel creepy just checking up on their blogs every now and then without actually following them.
Hmmmmm.
Much consideration!
Like right now, I sort of feel like a stalker. But then I was thinking, is it even possible to stalk blogs? I mean, they're blogs, for goodness' sakes. They're supposed to be followed religiously and checked up on and read and laughed/cried at and they're created for the purpose that people outside of your social circle can know you and know what you're thinking about.
Am I right?
So then, why am I scared to follow these certain blogs publicly???
I am so irrational sometimes! It really does drive me insane.
Moving on to other current and more important events, TONIGHT IS THE MIDNIGHT SHOWING OF HARRY POTTER 7!!!!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so excited to be reunited with my favorite onscreen characters. Seriously, I think I was born to marry Draco Malfoy. Not the actor, but the actual character. Don't ask me how that's going to work. I'm still figuring it out, but I'm pretty sure it's going to happen someday.
I know, I know, he's like the Prince of Darkness, or whatever you diehard Potter/Weasley fans like to call him, but deep down under that sexy, cold, sneering exterior is the heart of a sad, lonely man who's never truly been loved.
Yet.
You have to understand something about multidimensionality (which Draco holds the world record placement of), multidimensional people are very misunderstood.
This is probably due to the fact that in the midst of all their insane, whirling dimensions and personalities, some poor, foolish bystander is hit with the more unfortunate dimension of that individual being in a hurry, being violently ill, or suffering from a slight case of intense embitterment towards potential arch-rivals. Hey, having to deal with multiple layers of character and feeling is hard to deal with. You try treating everyone nicely when you can't even honestly describe what it is you're feeling because it's so intertwined with depth and multidimensionality. (I really like that word).
Anyways, I'm an eternal fan of Draco Malfoy, because I can see good in him. I think it might have been all the "Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger" Fanfiction I read back in the day.... Oh, do not give me that look. You know you did it, too. And even if you didn't, you thought about it. Everybody did.
Anyways, in my days, I have read an abundance of Harry Potter fanfiction, and I do believe it has enriched my life in various ways. I'm not going to lie, I am the epitome of "the biggest Harry Potter nerd ever".. Like, you don't even know. I don't even want you to know.
That is how big of a HP nerd I am.
As I was saying, in those particular fanfics of the Dramione persuasion (I know, right? these people are GENIUSES!), you really see a different side of Draco. One that JK Rowling subtly hinted at (and you would only pick up on that if you were a true diehard HP nerd), but that was gloriously expanded upon in the world of HP fanfiction.
It boggled the 12 year old mind to no end.
Anyways, I feel that this is a different story for a different time......
and I'm going to move on now, before I rip my reputation any farther into miniscule shreds.
You might have been able to tell, that I am very immensely excited for the midnight showing tonight.
I'm even excited to go to work, because I know that after work, I'm going straight to the theater to wait in line for several hours in the wind and the cold and the possible snow and the anticipation is SPEWING! S.P.E.W.!!!
hahahaha! yes.
(Harry Potter joke).........
Wow. This post has taken an unfortunate turn for my credability as a generally normal human being.
Time to fix that.
Today I'm working on getting ready for Thanksgiving, and I plan to take a trip to the library to pick up my next adventure into the world of Russian literature!
Eugene Onegin- a novel in verse.
Alexander Pushkin.
Bring. It. On.
BTW: before I go punch down some dough, you all need to hear this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtzCIBNOHzM
I wish to marry this man, too.
I think I have a serial attraction to blondes....
O.o
Here's the glitch: they sort of belong to people I either A) know socially, but have never talked to in my life, or B) used to know rather well and then things got awkward and I haven't talked to them in over 8 years.
So, half of me wants to follow their blogs, but the other half doesn't want to be thought of as really weird and out of place. So then I consider the follow anonymously option. But I can't tell, is that really creepy? Because it seems creepy to me. I don't know. Maybe it's not.
I can't bring myself to do it.
But then I feel creepy just checking up on their blogs every now and then without actually following them.
Hmmmmm.
Much consideration!
Like right now, I sort of feel like a stalker. But then I was thinking, is it even possible to stalk blogs? I mean, they're blogs, for goodness' sakes. They're supposed to be followed religiously and checked up on and read and laughed/cried at and they're created for the purpose that people outside of your social circle can know you and know what you're thinking about.
Am I right?
So then, why am I scared to follow these certain blogs publicly???
I am so irrational sometimes! It really does drive me insane.
Moving on to other current and more important events, TONIGHT IS THE MIDNIGHT SHOWING OF HARRY POTTER 7!!!!
AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so excited to be reunited with my favorite onscreen characters. Seriously, I think I was born to marry Draco Malfoy. Not the actor, but the actual character. Don't ask me how that's going to work. I'm still figuring it out, but I'm pretty sure it's going to happen someday.
I know, I know, he's like the Prince of Darkness, or whatever you diehard Potter/Weasley fans like to call him, but deep down under that sexy, cold, sneering exterior is the heart of a sad, lonely man who's never truly been loved.
Yet.
You have to understand something about multidimensionality (which Draco holds the world record placement of), multidimensional people are very misunderstood.
This is probably due to the fact that in the midst of all their insane, whirling dimensions and personalities, some poor, foolish bystander is hit with the more unfortunate dimension of that individual being in a hurry, being violently ill, or suffering from a slight case of intense embitterment towards potential arch-rivals. Hey, having to deal with multiple layers of character and feeling is hard to deal with. You try treating everyone nicely when you can't even honestly describe what it is you're feeling because it's so intertwined with depth and multidimensionality. (I really like that word).
Anyways, I'm an eternal fan of Draco Malfoy, because I can see good in him. I think it might have been all the "Draco Malfoy/Hermione Granger" Fanfiction I read back in the day.... Oh, do not give me that look. You know you did it, too. And even if you didn't, you thought about it. Everybody did.
Anyways, in my days, I have read an abundance of Harry Potter fanfiction, and I do believe it has enriched my life in various ways. I'm not going to lie, I am the epitome of "the biggest Harry Potter nerd ever".. Like, you don't even know. I don't even want you to know.
That is how big of a HP nerd I am.
As I was saying, in those particular fanfics of the Dramione persuasion (I know, right? these people are GENIUSES!), you really see a different side of Draco. One that JK Rowling subtly hinted at (and you would only pick up on that if you were a true diehard HP nerd), but that was gloriously expanded upon in the world of HP fanfiction.
It boggled the 12 year old mind to no end.
Anyways, I feel that this is a different story for a different time......
and I'm going to move on now, before I rip my reputation any farther into miniscule shreds.
You might have been able to tell, that I am very immensely excited for the midnight showing tonight.
I'm even excited to go to work, because I know that after work, I'm going straight to the theater to wait in line for several hours in the wind and the cold and the possible snow and the anticipation is SPEWING! S.P.E.W.!!!
hahahaha! yes.
(Harry Potter joke).........
Wow. This post has taken an unfortunate turn for my credability as a generally normal human being.
Time to fix that.
Today I'm working on getting ready for Thanksgiving, and I plan to take a trip to the library to pick up my next adventure into the world of Russian literature!
Eugene Onegin- a novel in verse.
Alexander Pushkin.
Bring. It. On.
BTW: before I go punch down some dough, you all need to hear this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtzCIBNOHzM
I wish to marry this man, too.
I think I have a serial attraction to blondes....
O.o
I'll Be Your Detonator
I have the tendency to fall in love with something different every single day.
This may sound unstable to you, but it's enriching to me. :)
Today, I have absolutely fallen in love with the phrase, "I'll be your detonator." (My Chemical Romance's new single, "Nanananananana...etc...")
I have also fallen in love with this verse from that same song, "Let me tell you 'bout the sad man, shut up and let me see your jazz hands. Remember when you were a madman, thought you was batman? And you hit the party with a gas can, kiss me you animal!"
Sometimes you just feel like you would kill to have written something by someone else.
This is one of those times.
This may sound unstable to you, but it's enriching to me. :)
Today, I have absolutely fallen in love with the phrase, "I'll be your detonator." (My Chemical Romance's new single, "Nanananananana...etc...")
I have also fallen in love with this verse from that same song, "Let me tell you 'bout the sad man, shut up and let me see your jazz hands. Remember when you were a madman, thought you was batman? And you hit the party with a gas can, kiss me you animal!"
Sometimes you just feel like you would kill to have written something by someone else.
This is one of those times.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
My Life IS Actually Average
- last beverage? water
- last phone call? uhhhhhhh Natalie...
- last txt message? pretty sure it was Nat.. Nope. It was Adam.
- last song you listened to? wellll to be completely honest.... I was just listening to the Ting Tings. Yes... you can hate me, throw fruit at me, be ashamed of me, never talk to me again... as long as you keep reading my blog I really don't care.
- last time you cried? yesterday. I think. I honestly don't remember yesterday. I might have cried a little bit when I attempted to do the splits the other day. I ALMOST DID THEM!
HAVE YOU EVER:
- Dated someone twice? nooooope.
- been cheated on? no.
- kissed someone and regretted it? haha... wouldn't that be unfortunate? I can see regretting the timing, or the circumstance, or even the person... but to ever regret the actual kiss would be so sad...
- lost someone special? yes
- been depressed? yes. I wrote about it and I felt better.
- been drunk and threw up? i've never thrown up because I was drunk...
FIRST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
- Green
- Orange
- Purple
THIS YEAR, HAVE YOU:
- made a new friend? sure.
- fallen out of love? yeah. I became jaded on a lot of people and things this year.
- Laughed until you cried? this is a regular occurance in my life. I am incredibly lucky that way!
- Met someone who changed you? yes. :)
- Found out who your true friends are? you have no idea.
- Found out someone was talking about you? hahahah!.... yeah. Found out they were talking about me a LOT...;)
- kissed anyone on your friend's list? noooo.
- How many people on your friend's list do you know personally?.... that is a really good question. Not all of them.
- How many kids do you want to have? the right amount. Somewhere between "awww" and "AAARGH!!!!"
- Do you have pets? Nooo! I am desperately in want of a doggish companion... :(
- Do you want to change your name? "That's not mah name! That's not mah name!"... I told you. I TOLD you.
- What did you do for your last birthday? I went downtown with mum and Nat to Powell's and then met dad for dinner. That Pumpkin Cheesecake was to die for and I'm still dreaming about it.
- What time did you wake up today? 8:30 ish...
- What were you doing at midnight last night? I was sleeping. I wish I was sleeping now.
- name something you CANNOT wait for? I CANNOT wait to hear good music on the radio.
- what are you listening to right now? "Men Are All the Same" - The Used. The title caught my eye. It's.... well, it's The Used, so it's brilliant. But I'm not in the mood for something so intense and emotional. AHHH! ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS- MARIAH CAREY JUST CAME ON! WHOOOOO! :D
- Websites? Blogspot. Facebook. Netflix.
- eye color? hazel
- relationship status? I hate this term. It makes me feel cold, unreal, distant and objectified. I AM A PERSON. NOT A STATUS.
- favorite book? right now? One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss. Because I am JUST that childish at 12:16 in the morning.
- zodiac sign? sagittarius. I don't know which one that is. I want to say it's a goat. But I'm pretty sure capricorn is a goat. Maybe I'm the whale. I don't know if there is a whale, but that's what I feel like right now, so I'm just going to go with that. (read: self-pitying slur).
- Do you have a crush on someone? yes. He's eight. He's got beautiful brown eyes and his name is Benjamin Johnson. He is my Spider-Man, I am his Hannah Montanna. It has been that way since he was three years old. :)
- Primary school? homeschooooooooled. And the Hayes' house. :P
- Middle school? a whole lotta BS.
- colleges? none at the moment. I'm being one of those delinquent-types and taking a year off.
- hair color? brown
- Long or short?.... I'm sorry... There is no noun here?
- height? not tall. 5'3".... maybe.
- found a new pet peeve? yes. People come into work all the time, and when I tell them there's going to be a wait, they look at me like I'm the filth of the earth and then proceed to wave their ugly necks around in the air, seeking out some distant table in the back as if I have completely just lied to them and am selfishly hoarding tables so that narcissistic and self-satisfying people like themselves (Yes, that was you, creepy cannoli-obsessed man with douche bag hair) have to wait an unnecessary amount of time and starve nearly half-to-death before getting a table and a meal. I feel like they also think I'm going to spit in their pizza or something. Which is ridiculous. I wouldn't waste the saliva.
- what do you like about yourself? my ability to rant in well-scripted sentences.
- piercings? my ears.
- tattoos? I have many ideas...
- righty or lefty? can you say ambidextrous?.... i am fairly certain I misspelled that.
FIRSTS:
- first surgery? emergency appendectomy.
- first piercing? mah ears.
- first best friend? Rosie. She's the teddy bear my grandma gave to me when I was born and she was the defender of innocence and defeater of nightmares of my childhood days.
- first sport you joined? I joined a soccer league once....
- first vacation? uhhh first time I ever flew on a plane was to Dallas, TX for a friend's wedding. First bona fide vacation was Disneyland. :D
RIGHT NOW:
- sleeping? Are you mentally retarded?
- On the phone? NO.
- eating? I wish.
- drinking? sipping on my water that is about to vanish entirely...
- I'm about to? Throw my iPod against the wall for the absolute crap it insists on playing.
- listening to? Sexy Love - Ne Yo
- waiting for? dream state.
YOUR FUTURE:
- kids? yeah.... One named Jude, one named Atticus and one named Everett.
- marriage? Nope. I plan to birth all three of my sons out of wedlock.
- career? Won't need one. I'll be getting child support from my baby daddies and welfare from the government. who needs a job these days? I'll be living off foodstamps. My sons will be forced to commit crimes and join gangs and I will outlive all of them, except the one who is in prison for 25 to life...... I'm not sure how this turned into a political rant, but it's late so don't bother me about it.
WHICH IS BETTER:
- lips or eyes? Eyes.. (Cheesy line alert!!!:) "they are the windows to the soul, after all"..... (...Gag).
- hugs or kisses? hugs. Altho, I can think of several people I would like to get a kiss from. Is it weird that Jon Bon Jovi is one of them????? O.o
- shorter or taller? definitely taller. :)
- older or younger? definitely older.
- romantic or spontaneous? surprise me. Wait....
- nice boobs or a nice bum? Gotta say, I'm not a boob person, so I'm going to go for the nice bum. Always a plus.
- sensitive or loud? Who actually desires to be around someone loud? Like... there's lots of lovable people who happen to be loud, but they're not lovable BECAUSE they're loud. Who is into that? "Oh, washboard abs and a caring heart? Ppppsh!!! Who needs that? I want someone louder than a diesel-y garbage truck through an open window on a saturday morning! Ohhh Yeahhhhh.." Like seriously? Ew.
- hook-up or relationship? relationship.
- trouble-maker or hesitant? ..........well.... I'm hesitant enough. so, let's go with someone who likes to have fun. regardless of the consequences. :D
HAVE YOU EVER:
- kissed a stranger? I'm not going to lie: I have always wanted to do this. It is on my bucket list. I will probably never work up the guts to do it.
- drank hard liquor? yes
- lost glasses/contacts? I lose my glasses frequently.... I'm afraid one day they're going to get up and walk away because they don't feel loved.....
- danced in the rain? yes.
- broken somebody's heart? I don't know... I hope not.
- had your own heart broken? Yes.... The incident that happened the other day involving the spilled cup of cocoa was particularly heartbreaking.
- won a bet? Yes. :)
- turned someone down?Yes
- cried when someone died? I'm not heartless. I bawled for days after MJ died.
- fallen for a friend? This is woman's biggest flaw.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
- yourself? Celine Dion has taught me no other way than this.
- miracles? "YOU SEXY THING!!!".... Please tell me everybody understands this song reference?
- love at first sight? No. Well. I don't know. Not really.
- heaven? Yes.
- santa clause? Every legend is born from some truth......:)
- kiss on a first date? awww helllll nah! Shawty don't put out fah nobody!... Horrible and pathetic attempt at having a shred of culture: check.
- angels? Yes.
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY
- done something terribly embarrassing? My life is embarrassing.
- had more than one girlfriend/boyfriend at a time? no.
- did you sing today? Yes. very out of tune, too.
- ever cheated on somebody? Nope.
- if you could go back in time how far would you go? Pretty much as far back as the British Invasion. So.... 1961? .....
- do you like bananas? Not as much as I like this QUESTION ABOUT BANANAS!
- are you afraid of falling in love? Isn't everybody a little bit afraid of falling in love? Unless it was to be with Sam Worthington. Then I wouldn't be afraid. Oh no. Not at all.
- posting this as "100 truths"? No. That is dumb. I might not have a life, but I'm not dumb.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
A Non-Exaggeration.
It was 8 PM tonight, and I was going to make myself some cocoa, paint my toenails, and go to bed early because I've had a splitting headache all day long.
I was sitting there on my bathroom counter, painting my toenails a sparkly shade of dark purple, and listening to Celine Dion because it has indubitably been one of those days when the only thing that makes honest sense is to drown yourself in a lack-of-sleep-induced Celine Dion comatose.
I think I've heard Only One Road 8 times today. I'm not exaggerating.
Anyways, I was sitting there, wriggling my toes around in an effort to dry them, and slowly sipping on a delicious cup of hot cocoa.
There's a delirious sort of magic about cocoa that I haven't quite figured out yet. It sort of muddles together all conscious thought and feeling into one giant mess of comfort and a incredible desire, nay, need of two things: to revert to childhood, or to be cuddled in a way that is unrivalled by any cuddle you've had before in your life.
Like I said, I don't pretend to understand it. That's just how it is.
It completely envelops you, and at the same time, leaves you feeling so incredibly hollow and empty, it's almost unbearable. Until, that is, you take the next sip and then you're overcome in an overwhelming haze of bliss and liquid, chocolatey perfection.
When you're having one of these days, when you depend solely on a cup of cocoa for imminent survival, the last thing on earth that you could possibly handle would be to somehow lose that single cup of cocoa.
Guess what happened to me?
In a twisted, contorted sort of effort to reach behind me and grab my ipod dock to set on my lap so I could switch the song, I clumsily knocked over my steaming cup of happiness and spilled it all over the bathroom counter.
I'm surprised I didn't burst into a fountain of tired tears right then.
No, instead I said a few choice words, shook my head in angry disbelief and jerkily started to clean it up with tense, frustrated movements. That was the last chance at comfort I had before I planned to sleep away my day of screaming headaches and pre-meditated muteness!!! And no, of course I was not about to go down and make myself another cup. First of all, I didn't want a WHOLE new cup of cocoa. I had drank half of that and was only wanting another half a cup. Second of all, I didn't want any OTHER half-cup of cocoa, I wanted THAT one, the one that was currently flowing in a torrent over the bathroom counter tile and into a pool at the bottom of the porcelain sink. Cursing the world and, in turn, every single belligerent cup of cocoa out there, I switched off the bathroom light, grabbed the ipod and stomped my way into my room; pausing my pity-party fit only to pick a song that I felt was worthy enough to witness my childish tantrum, I parked my butt in my deskchair and proceeded straight here.
With Bon Jovi's "Lie to Me" playing on repeat for the 7th time.
..... 8th time.
And now, I'm tired and upset and cocoa-less and my headache is still pounding against my temple mercilessly.
At least my toes look cute.
I was sitting there on my bathroom counter, painting my toenails a sparkly shade of dark purple, and listening to Celine Dion because it has indubitably been one of those days when the only thing that makes honest sense is to drown yourself in a lack-of-sleep-induced Celine Dion comatose.
I think I've heard Only One Road 8 times today. I'm not exaggerating.
Anyways, I was sitting there, wriggling my toes around in an effort to dry them, and slowly sipping on a delicious cup of hot cocoa.
There's a delirious sort of magic about cocoa that I haven't quite figured out yet. It sort of muddles together all conscious thought and feeling into one giant mess of comfort and a incredible desire, nay, need of two things: to revert to childhood, or to be cuddled in a way that is unrivalled by any cuddle you've had before in your life.
Like I said, I don't pretend to understand it. That's just how it is.
It completely envelops you, and at the same time, leaves you feeling so incredibly hollow and empty, it's almost unbearable. Until, that is, you take the next sip and then you're overcome in an overwhelming haze of bliss and liquid, chocolatey perfection.
When you're having one of these days, when you depend solely on a cup of cocoa for imminent survival, the last thing on earth that you could possibly handle would be to somehow lose that single cup of cocoa.
Guess what happened to me?
In a twisted, contorted sort of effort to reach behind me and grab my ipod dock to set on my lap so I could switch the song, I clumsily knocked over my steaming cup of happiness and spilled it all over the bathroom counter.
I'm surprised I didn't burst into a fountain of tired tears right then.
No, instead I said a few choice words, shook my head in angry disbelief and jerkily started to clean it up with tense, frustrated movements. That was the last chance at comfort I had before I planned to sleep away my day of screaming headaches and pre-meditated muteness!!! And no, of course I was not about to go down and make myself another cup. First of all, I didn't want a WHOLE new cup of cocoa. I had drank half of that and was only wanting another half a cup. Second of all, I didn't want any OTHER half-cup of cocoa, I wanted THAT one, the one that was currently flowing in a torrent over the bathroom counter tile and into a pool at the bottom of the porcelain sink. Cursing the world and, in turn, every single belligerent cup of cocoa out there, I switched off the bathroom light, grabbed the ipod and stomped my way into my room; pausing my pity-party fit only to pick a song that I felt was worthy enough to witness my childish tantrum, I parked my butt in my deskchair and proceeded straight here.
With Bon Jovi's "Lie to Me" playing on repeat for the 7th time.
..... 8th time.
And now, I'm tired and upset and cocoa-less and my headache is still pounding against my temple mercilessly.
At least my toes look cute.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
I Love College Love Me Do I Love You
Do you remember the song I Love College by Asher Roth?
Yeah. I just spent the entire 4 minutes of that song lying on the floor of my bedroom staring up at the star-shaped paper lantern that I got from IKEA.
I'm so enlightened by that experience.
"....Where is my life going?"
Yeah. Exactly.
So, my cousin bought me this amazing coffee mug from New York as my graduation present a few months ago. It's a Beatles collector's item, or something like that. It's black and with big red letters it says, "ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE" on the front. Alternating in grey and charcoal shades all around the sides of the mug, it repeats in different sizes and fonts "Can't Buy Me Love," "Love Me Do," "She Loves You" and "All You Need Is Love" . My absolute favorite part about this mug, however, is that on the inside lip, three words are printed in perfect, red ink: Love Me Do.
It's almost a challenge to me everytime I raise it to my lips.
Love Me Do.
Gaaaaahhhh! It blows my mind everytime. Inspiration can strike you everywhere, you know. Even in the simplest of coffee mugs.
Inspiration has also struck me here, in the simplest of photographs.
Yeah. I just spent the entire 4 minutes of that song lying on the floor of my bedroom staring up at the star-shaped paper lantern that I got from IKEA.
I'm so enlightened by that experience.
"....Where is my life going?"
Yeah. Exactly.
So, my cousin bought me this amazing coffee mug from New York as my graduation present a few months ago. It's a Beatles collector's item, or something like that. It's black and with big red letters it says, "ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE" on the front. Alternating in grey and charcoal shades all around the sides of the mug, it repeats in different sizes and fonts "Can't Buy Me Love," "Love Me Do," "She Loves You" and "All You Need Is Love" . My absolute favorite part about this mug, however, is that on the inside lip, three words are printed in perfect, red ink: Love Me Do.
It's almost a challenge to me everytime I raise it to my lips.
Love Me Do.
Gaaaaahhhh! It blows my mind everytime. Inspiration can strike you everywhere, you know. Even in the simplest of coffee mugs.
Inspiration has also struck me here, in the simplest of photographs.
I'm writing a new short story. It was completely inspired by this picture, and I'm not sure why. Something about it screamed: "WRITE ME!" and I was compelled to acquiesce.
To a writer, everything has a story. People have stories, memories have stories, paintings, photographs, music, buildings, cars, businesses, etc. Everything has a story, but not every story demands to be written. The ones that pull you so intently that you can't bring yourself to look away, however, those are the ones that you have to obey.
Those stories are where inspiration is born.
You never know where it's going to happen, but when it does, it's magic.
:)
In other news:
You all should go check out the funniest blog in existance.
http://www.hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/
I almost pee my pants every single post.
It's the pictures. They're hilarious.
Well, that's about all I had to say tonight.
Oh, except for I learned to say 'I love you' in Irish the other day and I was really excited about it.
:D
The end.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Running, Capt. Wentworth, and Lyric of the Week
I am so in love with running.
I realized this today as I was walking the last block in to my house after pounding the hell out of two miles. Nothing beats that feeling of unbridled power. Or the swagger you get after the run's over and the sound of Rihanna's Rude Boy is pulsing provocatively in your ears. It's like the ultimate power stance, the ultimate cardio high. Ahhhh I love it so much!!!!!
Running releases so much tension for me. It's like the ultimate de-stressor, I feel like I could go for miles and miles and miles and never get enough.
___________________________________________________
I just finished Persuasion. A sense of dignified accomplishment occupies my existance, and a quiet thread of inspiration is winding its way through the muddled thoughts of my brain.
Captain Wentworth is lovely, but of course, incomparable to Mr. Knightley.
That's mostly all I got from the book. It was beautifully written, and I'm excited to discuss it with the book club on Sunday evening, but nonetheless, I felt like Anne was far too quiet and complacent for my liking, Lady Russell could have done with a nice, long vacation somewhere far, far, FAR away, Sir Walter deserved a comeuppance and Charles Musgrove was the true hero of the novel for constantly putting up with and being devoted to Mary.
___________________________________________________
Lyric of the week:
"you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot. Happy Christmas my arse, I pray God it's our last."
The Irish have an impeccable way with words.
:)
I realized this today as I was walking the last block in to my house after pounding the hell out of two miles. Nothing beats that feeling of unbridled power. Or the swagger you get after the run's over and the sound of Rihanna's Rude Boy is pulsing provocatively in your ears. It's like the ultimate power stance, the ultimate cardio high. Ahhhh I love it so much!!!!!
Running releases so much tension for me. It's like the ultimate de-stressor, I feel like I could go for miles and miles and miles and never get enough.
___________________________________________________
I just finished Persuasion. A sense of dignified accomplishment occupies my existance, and a quiet thread of inspiration is winding its way through the muddled thoughts of my brain.
Captain Wentworth is lovely, but of course, incomparable to Mr. Knightley.
That's mostly all I got from the book. It was beautifully written, and I'm excited to discuss it with the book club on Sunday evening, but nonetheless, I felt like Anne was far too quiet and complacent for my liking, Lady Russell could have done with a nice, long vacation somewhere far, far, FAR away, Sir Walter deserved a comeuppance and Charles Musgrove was the true hero of the novel for constantly putting up with and being devoted to Mary.
___________________________________________________
Lyric of the week:
"you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot. Happy Christmas my arse, I pray God it's our last."
The Irish have an impeccable way with words.
:)
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Today
I woke up at 4:30 this morning to put my sister and niece on a plane back to Florida after a two-week visit.
I cried and cried and cried all day long yesterday and this morning and now it is 2:15 in the afternoon and I'm simply too tired to cry anymore.
Everytime someone I love comes and goes in my life, I ask myself why on earth do I want to move so far away from home?
Everytime someone I love comes and goes in my life, I ask myself why on earth do I want to move so far away from home?
Then I realize the real reason. If you aren't the one to leave in the first place, you're always going to be the one left behind. At least if you're the one who is leaving, you have something to look forward to whether you're visiting your family or going home to your life.
I do, however, refuse to believe that goodbyes only get easier. They don't.
Goodbyes are the worst part of life, and they're inescapable.
How fatally depressing is that?
How fatally depressing is that?
I guess if you never get the chance to say goodbye to someone, you never really get the chance to show them how much you care. But it still sucks.
After we left the airport, we went to breakfast. 7 AM is undoubtedly the earliest I have ever been seated at a restaurant awaiting my food. I was only reminded once again of the healing power of pancakes and hashbrowns and a strong cup of coffee. I really truly believe I've found the secret to life, here. I can't even imagine what a rainy morning at the coast would do if you added it to the equation. Imagine being tucked up in a sleepy beach house with pancakes on the griddle, and a steaming mug in your hands, raindrops meeting waves outside your windows, Brandi Carlile in the background. Oh, the healing power of simplicity.
I can't wait for the day when that will be my life. I've thought about it so much, it feels like a memory.
I'm going to see this when I look out my window, someday.
And I'm going to see this on my way to work, someday.
And this? This is going to feel like home, someday.
It's all going to be part of my story, someday.
My own story.
My home, my writing, my Donegal. My life, my song, my joy. My heartache, my homesickness, my laughter.
One of my favorite Brandi Carlile songs (which I've been heavily overdosing on the past 24 hours) is Before it Breaks. I wish I could share just one line and leave it at that, but it can't be done. The whole sung must be shared. Anyways, it reminds me of today, and it reminds me of my own story and my life to come, in Ireland, by the sea, writing and living and stumbling and laughing and loving my way through the pages of life.
Around here, it's the hardest time of year
Waking up, the days are even gone
The collar of my coat, Lord help me, cannot help the cold
The raindrops sting my eyes, I keep them closed
But I'm feelin' no pain
I'm a little lonely and my quietest friend
Have I the moonlight? Have I let you in?
Say it ain't so, say I'm happy again
Say it's over, say I'm dreaming
Say I'm better than you left me
Say you're sorry, I can take it
Say you'll wait, say you won't
Say you love me, say you don't
I can make my own mistakes
Let it bend before it breaks
I'm alright, don't I seem to be?
Aren't I swinging on the stars? Don't I wear them on my sleeves?
Went looking for a crossroads, it happens everyday
And whichever way you turn, I'm gonna turn the other way
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY3blVKAlyY
I'm learning to let it bend before it breaks.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Super Duper Love (Are You Diggin' On Me?)- Joss Stone
I just remembered this exercise my teacher had us do in our psychology class last year.
Every morning we had to write 5 things we were thankful for.
It was a good exercise, and on days like today when I don't really feel thankful for anything, it's a good reminder of all that I am lucky enough to have.
Today, I am thankful for the 17 Joss Stone songs on my iPod.
I am thankful for the blue sky and red leaves outside.
I am thankful for Eucalyptus Spearmint stress-relief lotion.
I am thankful for the sound of my neice laughing.
I am thankful for my beautiful bedset from IKEA.
I'm trying really hard to improve my mood today.
I hope it works.
Every morning we had to write 5 things we were thankful for.
It was a good exercise, and on days like today when I don't really feel thankful for anything, it's a good reminder of all that I am lucky enough to have.
Today, I am thankful for the 17 Joss Stone songs on my iPod.
I am thankful for the blue sky and red leaves outside.
I am thankful for Eucalyptus Spearmint stress-relief lotion.
I am thankful for the sound of my neice laughing.
I am thankful for my beautiful bedset from IKEA.
I'm trying really hard to improve my mood today.
I hope it works.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
A Letter to Juliet
I just watched the movie Letters to Juliet for the first time. Gotta say, I really wasn't that impressed. It was too easy to predict what would happen and the characters were badly developed. I was disappointed, because I love the idea of the plot, though. Or at least the bit about writing letters to Juliet.
People really do that! I just googled it.
I think it's fantastic....
I think it's fantastic....
Granted, I never really liked Romeo and Juliet, but the romance involved in the idea of writing a letter to Love's most famous female and receiving a reply is, admittedly, too tempting to refuse.
I guess it really doesn't even have anything to do with being a romantic. Forget the entire Juliet part. People could be writing letters to Katherine of Aragon or St. Isabel of Castillo for all I care. It's just the idea that people have enough faith to believe they can tell someone long dead their stories, whatever they involve, and that there's a team of people who care enough about the world to take the time to respond to every single letter. I think it shows just how wonderful humanity can be.
Yes, we are a sinful people, and yes, we are a fallen world.
But God has given us enough grace, and an innumerable amount of chances, to try and redeem our faults. And when I hear a story like that, the story of writing letters to Juliet and undoubtedly receiving a response from one of her faithful secretaries, I realize that there is some good left in the world.
There are still people out there trying to make the most of the second, third, fourth, etc. chances that God has bestowed upon us. These secretaries of Juliet are angels. They're giving people who don't feel like they have anyone to talk to the chance to be heard and comforted. Validated. Received. Accepted.
There are still people out there trying to make the most of the second, third, fourth, etc. chances that God has bestowed upon us. These secretaries of Juliet are angels. They're giving people who don't feel like they have anyone to talk to the chance to be heard and comforted. Validated. Received. Accepted.
What a beautiful way to use the gift of words, and the gift of understanding.
Someday, in my wild abandon and farfetched travels, I will make a pilgrimage to fair Verona, and spend the afternoon in the courtyard of the Casa di Giulietta. I will write my own letter, tape it to the wall, and hope wildly that the reply will come soon.
And when it does, I'll give thanks to God for the beautiful world we live in, and for the chance to be a part of something so beautiful and so precious.
Shaking out the glitter....
I'm learning things.
Everyday.
Yesterday I learned that fried plantains are delicious, and people from Cuba have wonderful smiles.
I also learned that section A120 is the best place at the Rose Garden to sit for Celtic Thunder-sized events, and how it's not what you experience, but who you experience it with that makes all the genuine difference in the world.
Last night was a fairytale.
It kind of seems like a dream, really. I keep thinking today, "did all of that really happen?"
It did happen, and it was wonderful.
The concert was phenomenal! I'm so glad I was able to go, and that I was able to go with my dearest friend Natalie. Before the concert we went to dinner at Pambiche, a delicious and authentic Cuban restaurant on 28th and Glisan.
It was heavenly! I can't wait to go back and eat there again.
I had Croquetas (deep fried codfish and potato wedges served over a cilantro, carrot and red onion salad) and Pollo Frito (creole fried chicken served with garlic mojo sauce). Not to mention this incredible avocado salad in a sour orange dressing and the best durn cup of Mexican hot cocoa you could ever have......
I think I was honestly more excited about the food than the concert. It was to die for!
I've been moving really slowly all day, though. All the excitement, the clapping, the bagpipes, avocados and extreme anticipation kind of wore me out.
I feel like I overdosed on glamour, Cuban food and Irish music.
I'm having troubles shaking the pounding drums and weeping violins from my ears, and wiping the glitter from my tired eyes.
Is it weird that a song you've never heard before can remind you of a place you've never seen?
Is it weird that this place you've never seen feels more like home than the place you've grown up in?
That a culture and a language and a landscape all completely foreign to your ears and eyes can seem so familiar to your heart?
Hmmm..... These are the kind of thoughts rattling around in my head this afternoon.
Today, I'm learning the importance of a patient heart and a treasured dream.
I also learned that there are ways to make vanilla misos, which are the closest things to vanilla soy lattes that you can get without using an espresso maker.
Having an ex-Starbucks barista for a sister has its perks. :)
I'm also learning to never underestimate the power of a good Disney movie, like The Jungle Book.
And so, with these important life lessons learned, and now shared, I leave you.
P.S.
I went with the boots last night.
Definitely the wisest choice.
They looked fab and were super comfortable.
:)
Everyday.
Yesterday I learned that fried plantains are delicious, and people from Cuba have wonderful smiles.
I also learned that section A120 is the best place at the Rose Garden to sit for Celtic Thunder-sized events, and how it's not what you experience, but who you experience it with that makes all the genuine difference in the world.
Last night was a fairytale.
It kind of seems like a dream, really. I keep thinking today, "did all of that really happen?"
It did happen, and it was wonderful.
The concert was phenomenal! I'm so glad I was able to go, and that I was able to go with my dearest friend Natalie. Before the concert we went to dinner at Pambiche, a delicious and authentic Cuban restaurant on 28th and Glisan.
It was heavenly! I can't wait to go back and eat there again.
I had Croquetas (deep fried codfish and potato wedges served over a cilantro, carrot and red onion salad) and Pollo Frito (creole fried chicken served with garlic mojo sauce). Not to mention this incredible avocado salad in a sour orange dressing and the best durn cup of Mexican hot cocoa you could ever have......
I think I was honestly more excited about the food than the concert. It was to die for!
I've been moving really slowly all day, though. All the excitement, the clapping, the bagpipes, avocados and extreme anticipation kind of wore me out.
I feel like I overdosed on glamour, Cuban food and Irish music.
I'm having troubles shaking the pounding drums and weeping violins from my ears, and wiping the glitter from my tired eyes.
Is it weird that a song you've never heard before can remind you of a place you've never seen?
Is it weird that this place you've never seen feels more like home than the place you've grown up in?
That a culture and a language and a landscape all completely foreign to your ears and eyes can seem so familiar to your heart?
Hmmm..... These are the kind of thoughts rattling around in my head this afternoon.
Today, I'm learning the importance of a patient heart and a treasured dream.
I also learned that there are ways to make vanilla misos, which are the closest things to vanilla soy lattes that you can get without using an espresso maker.
Having an ex-Starbucks barista for a sister has its perks. :)
I'm also learning to never underestimate the power of a good Disney movie, like The Jungle Book.
And so, with these important life lessons learned, and now shared, I leave you.
P.S.
I went with the boots last night.
Definitely the wisest choice.
They looked fab and were super comfortable.
:)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)