SAD

It's raining steadily outside. Lifehouse's No Name Face album is comforting my swollen, aching mind, and as I sit here facing my open windows, I wish I could stay and write in this moment forever.

I wish I could loose myself in this song.

I wish I could stand in the ocean, arms raised and heart abandoned, waiting for clarity.

I wish I could fall asleep watching a romantic Christmas movie.

I wish that once again I could walk among the Roman Catacombs, meditating on humanity and it's incredible will to survive.

I wish I could forget what I choose to, and relive what I cherish.

I wish above all else that I could find peace right now, right here, and look no further for happiness or contentment.

The brokenness of the human heart is where it's beauty lies, but it's also where it's absolute terror thrives.
The beauty is where the redemption is found, the healing, the piecing together of the already broken pieces, the rebirth, the joy and the love that stems from being given a second chance.
The terror is anger, jealousy, pride, fear, pain, discontentment and lack of thankfulness, lack of grace and humility. And hopelessness.

The combination of hopelessness and discontentment is perhaps not the most lethal of heart-born terrors, nor the most painful, but without a doubt it is the most strangling and disabling combination.

You feel like you'd rather be anywhere, doing anything else with anybody else than here, with these people and this task at hand, but at the same time, hopelessness sets in and the realization (however false it may be) that you can't get out and you can't change your life right now freezes you.
You are overcome with emptiness and a little bit of fear.
So you carry on in day to day life, stuck on autopilot, sinking deeper and deeper into yourself and the corners of your mind that cling wildly to any fragile string of hope they can. You have to be careful, though, those fragile shreds can only take so much before you, in a frantic rage, shatter them all into infinite pieces.

It's a fine balance to learn how to walk.

A line that puts more than your hope and contentment at risk- it starts to jeapordize a little bit of your sanity, and a lot of your reserve and will to keep fighting.

As the sky only gets darker, and the days only grow shorter, the cold starts to seep deeply into your psyche and soon, everything has a dark side. And that quickly becomes the only side you can see.
Your love for the weather, and the season and the time of year (however strong it may be) is overwhelmed in a crashing wave of depression and lack of sleep.
Your friends become your enemies.
Everyone who calls, texts, messages you is only out to get you, and the idea of returning phonecalls and texts is enough to deplete your emotional resources completely. So you withdraw completely.
The hours tick by, and sometimes you sleep too much.
Other times, you sleep too little.
No matter how much sleep you do or don't get, you're always exhausted.
Disillusioned, disenchanted, disengaged, disenfranchised, disqualified, disgusted, disturbed.

Disorder.

Seasonal Affective Disorder.

SAD.

Buy a sunlamp.
The winters here are dark, bitter and cold.
But they're also beautiful....
And it's people like me who are seasonally affected by the weather, but love it too much to change their scenery, that are the hopeless ones.
Because we're willing to suffer through it, we're striving to feel more alive.
Because we're willing to go a little bit depressed, we're trying to gain something fleeting to write about.
Because we're not willing to be moved, we're willing to take the good moments and stretch them on as long as possible, even though they rarely outnumber the bad moments.
It's a little bit abnormal, a little bit unstable, and a lot of pain for those around us.
We don't mean for it to be any of those.
I apologize.
........
I think the weather's just starting to get to me, a little bit.